We managed to survive Nate's grandfathers funeral. His passing was not at all the hard part. After all, that is suppose to be death's calling, ninety years old and ready to go! Being in the funeral home just brought back all those terrible feelings, the smells, the looks, the overwhelming quietness. It was just too much. I just hid in the hospitality room for the most part. It is also amazing how the mind works. I started remembering things that I hadn't until now.
These few days after have proven to be very difficult. As everyone around me is getting ready for Christmas, I am just trying to survive. I so desperately want to just crawl in a hole and stay there, but I know there are certain things I have to do for Noah. He deserves so much more than we can give him right now. Last night I was telling Nate that I need to get name tags for presents. He asked me why? It then occurred to me that we don't need name tags on the presents when all of them are for Noah. I so badly want to buy Evan something just to put under the tree. Sure, I can buy something, but he will never open it, this year or ever. This is just another piece of our harsh reality. Not to mention going into a store is pure torture. People are either happy and cheerful, or greedy. Both are hard to see and to deal with.
Today is just one of those days where I just cry all day. I keep hoping things will get better, but that is not happening. If I could just make it through the next few weeks, I will be okay. Everyone tells us that the firsts are the hardest. This is the first Christmas without Evan. I can't imagine ever "celebrating" anything without him.
Last week we attended our first SUDC meeting.(Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) This was truly a surreal expeience. The entire time I kept thinking I would much rather be sitting in an AA support group, or any other group for that matter. There are five families in the group. We sat around and listened to each of their stories. It was so scary how similar our stories are. All of these children died in their sleep and had mild viruses. The only difference was that Evan was older. The other little ones were 2 and 3 years of age. This meeting really didn't give Nate and I much hope for an answer, as these parents didn't ever get any more answers. We have been told that we have a better chance with Evan being older at his time of death. All I can do is just keep praying.
One of the hardest parts in this journey is the total loss of control. I feel like I have no control over anything and my world continues to spin in the wrong direction. My child died and I have to somehow learn to live with it, however and whenever that may be. Right now that idea to too far fetched. I would give anything in the world just to have things back the way they were. I miss the stability that I once had.
Friday Five: Easter Weekend
1 week ago