I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new, I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart. Repost if you have someone in Heaven!
Since Evan passed away Noah has never really questioned exactly how he died. We have talked about Evan's death and that he is in Heaven, but the circumstances surrounding his death have never quite sunk in his little mind. By this I mean the fact that Evan died in his sleep, in his room, in his bed. While Noah is aware of this he has never shown any fear of dying.
Just Recently Noah has developed an intense fear of dying. In his innocent little mind he really thinks that he is going to die. Nathan and I have been dreading this and knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. In Noah's world Evan went to Heaven and won't return. We talk about Heaven and how wonderful it is all the time. He has been asking how Evan died and questioning the details. How do you explain this to a child when we really don't have answers as to the cause of his death? I can't tell Noah that there was some type of accident that won't happen to him. I have said that Evan was sick but every time Noah gets sick, he is going to think he will die too. Last week I picked him up from school and he asked me, "Mommy am I going to die tonight?" That stabbed right through my heart! He also relates Evan to being a big brother. In his mind Evan has always been the "big brother" and now that he is, he thinks it is his turn to die. The night Evan passed there was a bad thunder storm. He also attributes that to Evan's death. When a thunder storm rolls through he fears that the storm will take him to Heaven just as it did Evan. I hate the fact that my child has to go to bed at night wondering if he will wake up. Nate and I worry about that every night and have tried so hard to make bedtime as normal as it can be.
It breaks my heart that Noah has to think about these things. All of this is hard for an adult to comprehend let alone the mind of a child. It is also one thing for Nate and I to carry these fears, but to see my sweet four-year old sustain such a burden saddens me even more. Nate and I talk to Noah and try and reassure him that he will be okay. I feel like I am lying to him every time I say this. How can I be sure that he will be okay? I can only pray...
I am happily married to my high school sweetheart, Nathan. We have two wonderful little boys, one who now lives in heaven. On May 31st, we found Evan in his bed already with the angels. He was classified SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death In Childhood) We have recently learned that Evan may have suffocated due to complications from having croup.I know that God has a plan in all of this. I just have to trust!