Journey Through Grief

On The Edge

2011-05-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

This picture deeply touches my heart. It has been so long since I have held my sweet Evan in my arms. My emotional state has taken a drastic turn from being somewhat strong to plunging off the cliff into a sea of tears. I knew this would happen the closer we got to Evan's birthday and the anniverary of his death. Earlier today I just sat in the cemetery and cried. The damn has officially broken. I just wanted to be close to him. I also let out some choice words about losing my precious little boy. It has been almost three years and my heart hurts more and more each day. I am truly just sitting in my own self pity. Nate is so strong and seems to have peace about Evan being in Heaven. I know that he is in Heaven but he should be here in MY arms. It is just not fair!

I want to hold him and touch his soft little skin. I want to wipe away his tears when he gets hurt. I want to ease his fears when he is scared. I want to listen to him complain about doing his homework. I want to see the smile on his face and light in his eyes when he achieves his goals. I want to see him drive his first car or walk across the stage with a diploma in his hand. I want to see the puppy dog look in his eyes when he falls in love. I want to see him teach his children all about Jesus. I can only dream.

I love you sweetheart...

Note to self....Stock up on tissues! There is a reason why toilet paper is for the "other" end.

That Time Of The Year

2011-05-04T16:43:00.000-07:00

It is yet again that dreaded time of year for us. The month of May used to be such an awesome time as Evan's birthday was approaching and we were always busy planning a party. Planning a party is exactly what I SHOULD be doing right now. I should be taking him to pick out party supplies while arguing with him about the number of people he should invite. Nate and I used to spend hours getting the yard ready. I always loved the smell of honeysuckle and the fresh flowers everywhere. The trees are usually blooming and everyone is out enjoying the beautiful weather. Now all of that just brings the emotions surrounding his death even more prevalent. I feel bombarded with Mother's Day, Evan's birthday, and the anniversary of his death all in one month. On top of that all the other kiddos we are close too are also celebrating May birthdays and growing older.

I have to say though, this past Mothers Day was absolutely wonderful. We traveled over to the Missouri Botanical Gardens and let the kids play. We walked through the endless beauty of the gardens while taking some great photos of our kiddos. It was just a relaxing day spent with family who loves us! My sweet hubby bought me such a beautiful Emerald ring in honor of Evan's birthday.

Here are a few pics from Mother's Day...

Empty

2011-04-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

The mere sight of this empty Easter basket is the epitome of our life without Evan. It is such a clear illustration of the emptiness in our lives, the hole in our hearts, and the sadness that hangs over are heads like a cloud getting ready to rain. At times that is just how I feel. I can only hold it in for so long before I let the flood gates go! I think by now I am getting very good at putting a smile on my face and muddling through, especially during a holiday.

While I am so grateful to fill the other baskets, Evan's will ALWAYS remain empty.

A Gift To Remember

2011-04-21T14:03:00.001-07:00

One of the greatest fears among parents who have lost a child is that people will forget about our precious children who left this world so soon. Time moves on and people return to "normal", but we are left to pick up the pieces of this tragic devastation. I have literally been in a store and wanted to scream, " I have a little boy named Evan who died almost three years ago!" For fear of ending up in the local loony bin I usually try and keep my composure! So as you can imagine when someone remembers or thinks of Evan it is deeply touching.

A dear friend of mine brought this back from her recent trip to Disney World. When Evan passed away we were literally packing our bags to leave for Disney. We were suppose to be getting on a plane the day we buried him. Since Evan did not get to go, my friend brought this special souvenir back for him.

Sometimes it's the little things that bring a big smile to my face.! Thank you so much for thinking of my special angel...

Oh The Places We'll Go....

2011-03-24T19:41:00.000-07:00

Upon reading my blog one could think that I tend to dwell or be stuck in my so-called life, as my ramblings are surely so depressing. Well this IS my life! We are living this life of grief while trying to pick up the pieces and attempt to put them back together, fully knowing that the puzzle will never be whole again.

Lately the weather has been so beautiful! On Sunday morning we asked Noah what he wanted to do expecting to journey off to the zoo or the park. He calmly stated that he wanted to go the the cemetery and have lunch with Evan. How sad is it that my sweet 5-year old suggested going "to the cemetery" to have lunch with his brother? I will never get used to this and his words nearly sent me into a frenzy of tears. I just wanted to scream "this is not fair!" But we gladly indulged his desire and headed off to see Evan with a quick stop at McDonald's first. We also needed to decorate Evan's headstone for Easter. So instead of obsessing over the matching outfits my boys should be wearing for the holiday, decorating at the cemetery is what we got to do instead.

So here is a photo of my three little boys together. I would much rather have their picture taken at a beach or a park, but due to this life of grief this is all I get!

As you can probably tell it has been a hard couple of days full of tantrums and tears on my part!

Things To Do List....

2011-03-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Grocery shopping
Dentist App.
Laundry
Get new flowers for Evan's headstone

SIGH.....

The Empty Room

2011-03-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

Since Evan passed away his bedroom his room now sits dark, cold, and empty. It is pretty much just as it was when he took his last breath. His little toys are right where he left them. His mattress sits bare because the coroner's took his bedding when they took him. A dear friend of mine has his bedding along with his precious little Jammie's he was wearing the night he died. I just cannot bring myself to retrieve these items.

Lately Noah has been begging to sleep in Evan's room. Just the thought feels like a nauseating sucker punch to my stomach! He goes in there quite frequently to play or whatever brings him closer to Evan. He usually climbs on the top bunk where Evan died and sits. It absolutely breaks my heart! Noah has lost his brother and there is nothing I can do to take his pain away. Now that Noah is older the reality of Evan's loss has become so much more evident.

Nate and I are both so conflicted about letting Noah sleep in Evan's room. It is not that we don't want him in Evan's things, it is that I am terrified that he might die in there. For most parents this would be a paranoid way of thinking. For Nate and I it is very real. I did have a child die in there and I am afraid it could happen again. I try my best to rationalize my fears and trick my mind into believing that it couldn't possibly happen again, but so far it's not working. Some of the other parents in the SUDC program find comfort in letting their subsequent children have the room. I have heard from moms that they feel like there is a guardian angel watching over the room. It would be so much easier if I could believe this.

Nate and I have talked about this over and over. We finally agreed that we need to make it past 6 years and 1 week and then discuss letting Noah have Evan's room. As much as we don't want to I remind myself that Noah has lost so much. Who are we to take this privilege away from him? I think if we changed the entire room it may make it easier. Maybe this is just my wishful thinking. Then what do we do with all of Evan's things? How can I possibly "box" up the memories and treasures of my beloved child? And, if we don't let Noah have his room is he going to think that he is not as good as Evan? I am so conflicted...

Here is a photo of Noah sleeping with Evan's favorite Spiderman action figure. He sleeps with it every night and is very protective over it. I think it's Noah's way of keeping Evan close to him.

Journey Through Faith

2011-01-29T20:43:00.001-08:00

Do you ever just want to shout to the top of your lungs about something you're so passionate about? In this blog I spend a great deal of time talking about Evan and how his devastating loss has impacted our lives in many ways. Sometimes I forget to focus on how much God has truly made an impact in our lives as well as others through our story. I know that I make mention here and there, but I need to remember and convey to others that God is the reason we continue on the way we do.

Lately it seems that other people around me have shared how losing Evan has made a difference in their lives. I often live in my own, dark, cold, world of grief and despair that I sometimes fail to recognize the impact we have on others. I want so desperately to know that Evan is still working and making a difference from Heaven.

A few weeks ago a VERY dear friend of mine and her husband were baptized! I cannot tell you enough how this touched my life! Evan's passing was a big part in her journey to Christ as she searched for healing and understanding by leaning on the Lord. I am so blessed to have such an awesome friend and to know that Evan took part in leading her down her spiritual path which led to a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am so honored to have been a part of this!

It has been more than two and a half years since Evan passed away. By the grace of God we grow stronger each day. Lately it has been on my mind to tell people how God has worked in our lives after Evan's death. In those first few terrifying months God was so close we could almost reach out and touch him! He was right by our side understanding our pain and grieving right along with us. Our stories are endless. I am so blessed to have such a loving God watching out for me as I am truly so undeserving. I just want to show everyone the power of God's influence in our life and that we are living proof that He is also a faithful God. God doesn't promise us a life of constant glory, but He does promise to walk beside us and carry us through the darkest of times.

I can see God's hand in areas of my life many years ago that were steps in preparing me for the tragedy we have endured. God knew that Nathan and I were going to lose Evan before he was even born. I found Christ through having Evan and thus began the journey to faith that would be tested to enormous strengths. God put people in our lives that He knew would help in the midst of darkness. We found out that we were pregnant with Evan on a Sunday morning. Nate and I looked at each other in excitement and we headed off to church for the first time. Yes! The day we found out that Evan was coming began our journey of faith. I could seriously go on and on....

People often tell me how strong I am. I know that I have mentioned this before but I am not strong at all. God provides me with the strength I need and I owe everything to Him. I want to make more out of Evan's death. I especially want non-believers to hear our story of loss and faith so that maybe they will be impacted to seek a relationship with Christ. I want people to hear how God has worked in or lives! I need for Evan's death to have a spiritual purpose.

I firmly believe everything that happens in life is just a part of God's bigger plan. I certainly don't understand is all and some things I know that I am not meant to know. I just have to have faith and trust that God will guide me down the path set for me.

In this you greatly rejoice, and then now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)

1st Birthday

2011-01-20T17:14:00.000-08:00

Call me a lazy blogger! It has been more than a month since I last blogged. The holidays are pretty challenging to get through and rec-coup time was much needed. The month of January has proven to be a crazy, busy month as well.

January 19th was Chase's first birthday! I cannot believe that this year has gone by so fast. I love this little boy more than words can express and his little personality is blossoming by the day. He is such a sweet little guy and has brought so much hope back to Nate and I. He has a little sparkle in his eyes that remind us so much of Evan. Not to mention he looks so much like him as well. Noah is head over heals in love with him and literally cherishes every moment with him. Each morning Noah climbs into the crib and cuddles with him. Nate and I love to lay in bed and listen to the giggles and laughs over the monitor. Evan used to do the same thing when Noah was a baby. It is so awesome to see these two amazing little boys grow closer and closer each day. I just pray that they keep this loving relationship. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these two awesome little boys here on earth that keep us going each day.

Anyway Chase's birthday was very hard. In general birthdays are such a struggle for me. While I am so grateful that one of my children is another year older, I just can't help to think the worst thoughts. How many birthdays will we get with our little ones? I can only pray that we have MANY more!

Here is our little cake-covered munchkin...

Merry Christmas From The.....

2010-12-20T13:11:00.000-08:00

Allens? What do you put on a card when you have lost a child? This is a question that arises each time I sign a card whether birthday or Christmas. Sometimes I put Evan's name on it and other times I just put the Allens. It doesn't seem fitting to leave his name off when he is still our child, just not physically present.

We have not sent out Christmas cards since December 2007. That was the last Christmas that Evan spent with us. This year I decided it was time to take photos and send the cards. Being an overwhelming emotional task Nate and I decided to make a laugh out of it. Then we couldn't decide whether to include first names, last names, etc.

This is the photo and the message. We didn't include any names...

From Our Misfits To Yours....

Have A Merry Christmas And A Blessed New Year

A Candle In The Window

2010-12-15T14:06:00.000-08:00

Sunday, December 12th was the world wide candle lighting led by the Compassionate Friends Group. For those who do not know what that is, it is the support/grief group for parents who have lost children of any age. Of course this is the club that nobody wants to be in. So every year the candle lighting begins at 7:00 p.m.

Here is our candle in honor of Evan...

A big thanks to all those who lit and candle for Evan and sent us pictures. It means so much to us that people remember Evan!!!

The Grief Monster (Written In My Own Self Pity)

2010-12-08T19:40:00.000-08:00

Nathan and I had some much needed time alone the other night as we drove an hour to retrieve a Santa gift for Noah. We just needed time to connect and this usually means reflecting on our life together and the tragedy we have come to know quite well.

Grief is like a monster always lurking around us. In my honest opinion it is like the Devil always rearing his head in the midst of provoking sin. Unlike the Devil we can't fight this awful monster. Nathan and I agreed that we are stuck in this life with the monster who has taken control over our lives. At least that is how I feel at times. Sometimes I feel trapped in a dark room with no way out and no one to hear my screams. Sure we have our good days but even on our best days there is a shadow of sadness that looms in every part of our being.

When we wake up in the morning there is again the realization that this is not a dream. I pass Evan's dark, empty room each morning as I walk down the hallway to get the boys. Everything in his room is just as he left it with his little toys sitting on shelves and his clothes folded neatly in the drawers. His little pajamas from the night before he passed away are sitting on the bed unwashed. I often find myself just laying on his bed holding his jammies close to me, as his smell is all I have left to hold onto. His toothbrush is sitting on his dresser with remnants of toothpaste between the bristles. I sometimes sit in my own self pity and cry wondering how this became our life. This is the life of grief.

I leave to take Noah to school and always pass a school bus or two reminded that I didn't put Evan on the bus. I pass the funeral home on my way to Noah's school where I stood next to my precious child laying in a casket for hours on end. We attend church were I touched his little face one last time as the funeral directer slowly closed him in, knowing that I would never again get to touch his soft skin or hold him in my arms. While on our way to St. Louis the other night we passed the cemetery where he is buried. It was dark, cold, and pouring rain. I said to Nate "there's our sweet little boy".

People often tell me how strong I am and the fact is I am not at all. The strength that I do have comes from God and each day I pray for Him to help me put one foot in front of the other. Some days are certainly easier than others. Nathan and I remind ourselves that we are so blessed and have so much to be grateful for. The two wonderful little boys that we have here on earth is the medicine that keeps us going.

The other morning while having coffee with a dear friend she reminded me that our story makes her appreciate her children even more. This is such a wonderful thing to hear. I hope that people everywhere love their children and make each and every moment count.

Conversation

2010-11-22T11:02:00.000-08:00

Listening to a conversation between two VERY egotistic moms who where competitively bragging about their children.....

Mom #1

My third grader made the honor last quarter!

Mom #2

My third grader got first place in the fundraiser!

Mom #1

My third grader won the talent contest!

Mom #2

My third grader got the "best behavior" award this semester!

And the boasting went on and on...Sure we all love to shine upon our kiddos accomplishments, but I seriously thought I was listing to an episode of "Desperate House Moms" if such a thing exists!

My Thoughts

My third grader is laying in a casket six feet under the ground....sigh...

Right now I would give anything if my third grader was sitting in the principal's office.

I Shall Believe!

2010-11-14T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, the holidays are coming upon us. For parents who have lost a child this typically means lots of tears, heartache, sadness, envy, despair, and whatever horrible feeling one could have. This year as I already see the decor overwhelming the stores I am determined not to feel sad! I keep telling myself that it has to get better and that Evan gets to spend Christmas with Jesus Christ himself. That is truly amazing!

Each time I walk into a store I find myself looking for items to decorate Evan's headstone with. I am searching for a big plastic Santa that can withstand the implementing weather conditions. I also mentioned to Nate that we should decorate the outside of the house this year. We have always done it big in the past and have not since Evan died. That is one of our goals this year! For now I am working on manipulating my brain into believing!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

Do you think if I say this to myself enough times I might actually start to believe it?

Happy Halloween Evan

2010-10-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Halloween is one of the hardest to get through. I think because Evan loved costumes so much. He dressed up just about everyday and wore them everywhere!

These are our favorite photos of Evan. Happy Halloween sweetheart!
We love you!

The last time we carved pumpkins...

Note: Evan always liked to dress like Daddy!

My Long Lost Passions

2010-10-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit to being a super lazy blogger lately! I can attribute this to..........uuumm.........still thinking.........or just plain lack of motivation! UGH....

Before Evan passed away I thought of myself as a crafty queen. In essence I LOVED crafts! I loved scrapbooking, painting, and just merely creating things unique. Scrapbooking was where my first and greatest passion was. I was always up to date on just about everything that related to Evan and Noah. I have beautiful books that have become so terribly painful to just sit and look at. It is almost like looking at pictures of someone else's family. The smiles on everyone's face is priceless and I cannot even begin to have that feeling now. Everyone in the photos looks SO happy and on top of the world. That feeling doesn't exist in our world anymore. Don't get me wrong, we still feel happiness but it is certainly scarce. I also despise taking photos and I do it just to get it done. A dear friend of mine set up a scrapbooking week in September. Needless to say this was the first time I sat and attempted to scrapbook. It literally took everything in me to put two pages together and that was on day four! Nonetheless those pages were completed!

I also loved to make baby names for nursery's. I could make them match any theme or decor and they turned out so cute! I just recently completed a set for the same dear friend and I felt such a great sense of accomplishment! In my world it is easy to feel worthless because everything takes so much effort to do and sometimes I just don't get things done. Emotions play such a big part in this.

I am slowly learning that my passion for the things that I once loved is hard to come by. I find myself struggling to find happiness in my past endeavors. As we have learned to create a "new normal" in life I think I need to find new passions!

A Hard Lesson Learned

2010-09-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

What I have learned from the tragic death of our son...

Bad things really can happen to my family

Time will NOT heal this gaping hole in my heart

Crying everyday is part of my life and that's okay

Grave blankets come in "child size"

Headstones are covered under home owners insurance

That children really can die for no apparent reason

That the coroner and medical examiner aren't the same

To lean on my husband (I am so lucky to have him)

The bond between siblings is unlike any other ( I believe that Noah has a special connection to Evan that we don't)

That a band aid or a kiss won't make Noah's pain any better

I love my sister more than I ever knew

This isn't a dream and I'm not going to wake up

Sleep is overrated

Coffee is a good thing

Life is precious and can be taken away at any moment

We may never know how or why Evan was taken from us

My friends are such a blessing in my life

Grief has many side effects (Hair loss, weight changes, anxiety)

Finding true happiness is a daily struggle

Behind every smile is a fountain of tears

Sitting in the cemetery and pleading for God to send him back doesn't work

It's the things I don't expect that are the hardest

Don't sweat the small stuff

People can and will cause us more pain even after suffering the loss of our son

Sitting in the cemetery in the dark is not scary

I have been referred to as "that mom"

I am no longer scared of dying

That life is NOT fair (Child abusers get to keep their children)

Losing a child is a life sentence

To trust in God and know that He is always there for me!

A Special Gift From Far Away...

2010-09-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

When I became pregnant with Chase I joined a "Due in January" message board on Cafemom. I have met so many wonderful women who have been such a wonderful support. Last month some of the girls decided to do a book exchange for our babies. We set a $5 price limit and mailed our books. I received the book I'll Love You Forever and another book of manners for Chase. I'll Love You Forever means so much to us as the poem is inscribed on the back of Evan''s headstone. When I found out that Evan was a boy I bought the book and wrote a special message inside. I used to sing the poem to him quite often. Evan and Noah both have a copy and I have been meaning to buy one for Chase, but it has proved to be an emotionally challenging task. I am so grateful that it was just sent in the mail! Now Chase has his very own copy...

A few days later I received the book, Mommy Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heaven, from the same girl. This is truly one of the sweetest books I have ever read! I am always looking for reassurance that Evan is okay and this book certainly brings some much needed affirmation. Sometimes it is the simplest things in life that bring a smile to my face. A complete stranger from far away decided to do something to make my day a little brighter. It means so much!

Thank you so much Nikki!

2010-08-24T13:21:00.001-07:00

Here is a photo of Evan's first day of Kindergarten...

It is August and that means the start of school. I have come to dread this time of year. I think it hits me harder than his anniversary date and I am not really sure why. Our school district began school on the 17th. I just wanted to hide from the world all week. I didn't even want to see or hear a school bus! I had to stay off facebook to avoid everyone talking about the teachers their kiddos had. To be honest, I felt like a little kid left out of the game. Everyone got to send their kids off to school except me. I guess you can say that it was mere jealousy. I kept imagining what it would be like to take his picture on his first day of 3rd grade. That will never happen. Thank goodness my reinforcement team showed up for coffee and bagels. I am so blessed with such an amazing group of friends!

I truly treasure the Kindergarten year that Evan did have. He was blessed with an incredible teacher and I loved being a part of his class! It saddens me to know that Kindergarten is ALL he will have ever had. I wonder if there is school in Heaven?

Noah's birthday was on Thursday. I literally had to pull myself out of the dumps and pull it together for him. This was not easy and it took every ounce of my emotional strength to get through it. How unfair is this? Every major milestone and/or holiday is riddled with sadness as well has happiness and hope for the future. Noah deserves his birthday to be recognized with enthusiasm and excitement.

I decided to sink myself into a Superhero cake that Noah so desperately wanted. I am pretty proud of how it turned out!

Look A Like

2010-08-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share these pictures of our boys. Each photo was taken between 6 and 7 months of age. Out of the three we are SO amazed at how much Evan and Chase look alike! Chase is slightly bigger than Evan was, but I cannot believe just how much he looks like Evan.

Evan

Evan

Chase

Noah

And Noah.....well we usually say Fed Ex or UPS!

2010-08-04T06:08:00.000-07:00

Well our trip to Hilton Head was almost two months ago. I had worked myself up to taking a family portrait and actually quite content with how it turned out. Now here is it is two months later and it is beautifully framed and still sitting on the floor. I keep looking at the last family photo we had taken and cannot bring myself to replace it. We all looked so happy and on top of the world. I look at the photo and wonder what it would be like to actually be that happy again. More importantly we had Evan. We were living life with our two beautiful little boys and couldn't have been any more grateful! We had light in our eyes and the glow on our faces showed it.

I am all to aware that when I take this family portrait down I will never again have a photo with all the members of our family. I had to settle with Evan's name in the sand. I had intended to put our new family photo on the wall along with two boys on one side and Evan's name on the other. That is just NOT the way it is suppose to be!

Things I NEVER Thought I Would Do..

2010-07-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

In the life of a parent who has lost a child...

Today when Nate gets home we are heading to the cemetery to "clean" Evan's headstone and grave. I never thought the cemetery would be such a big part of our lives and quite frankly, it sucks.

I never imagined my life this way. Nathan and I have found ourselves doing things that we never thought would be a part of our life. Here are a few examples...

Pick out a casket for our little boy

Read our son's autopsy report

Receiving our child's death certificate in the mail

Having casual conversations with the coroner

Having the medical examiner release Evan's blood for further testing

Ordering a medical freezer to store his blood leftover from the autopsy

Interview with reporters

Benefit to raise money for a rare cause

Talk about my child's death and thinking what an sad lifetime movie it would be

Sitting with another grieving mother and understanding every incomprehensible thing she says

Decorating my child's headstone for each different holiday

Cleaning bird poop off of his stone

Having to go to therapy to cope with everyone else's problems that have beat us down even more

(Insert sigh...)

I think my emotional state was stronger during the month of May. Lately I cry at just about everything. All I can think about is how much I miss Evan and how after two years, I STILL cannot believe he is gone. School is going to start soon and I dread this time each year. I can't stand to walk through the stores and look at the school supplies and the cute little Spiderman backpacks. Of course he probably would have outgrown Spiderman by now.

He should be getting ready for 3rd grade. Instead we are living the 3rd year without him...

Evan's Birthday

2010-07-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

Evan's birthday was almost two months ago and I still have not blogged about it. I am a little behind due to busyness and blogger website issues. Anyway, we decided to have another balloon release in the cemetery the day before his birthday. Noah got to release 8 red balloons representing Evan's 8th birthday. He let them go and then shouted "Here they come Evan!" It was so sweet to hear Noah say that yet so sad at the same time. After Noah let his balloons go everyone else let theirs go. Off to Heaven they went!

In the past few months two young girls in our area have passed away in accidents. One of them, a six-year old girl, is buried next to Evan. Both families were having benefits to raise money to cover funeral costs. We decided to ask everyone to bring a "superhero" toy to donate to the girls benefits. We were able to put together 12 large baskets. The Kindergarten teachers from the school Evan attended also donated a Spiderman bicycle! How awesome is that? We felt so honored that everyone wanted to be a part of Evan's birthday. It was so wonderful to make something good out come of his birthday. A BIG thanks to everyone who supported us and the girls' families! Nate and I are truly grateful!!!

The photo of Noah standing by Evan's grave just breaks my heart. It is something a mother should NEVER see. I want so badly for Noah to have Evan here by his side but the harsh reality is just not so. It is so sad to even have to see pictures of a birthday celebration in a cemetery, let alone ones own child. There are no party games, no little children running around acting crazy, no presents to be opened, and more importantly, Evan doesn't get to blow out the candles on his cake. This is when the anger gets to me! I don't think I will EVER get used to this.

Blog Under Construction

2010-07-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

Well, the site that I use to create my blog layout is currently experiencing troubles and hopes to have things figured out soon. Therefore my blog is going to be in renovating mode. Please be patient until everything gets in order. I am also thinking for re-naming my blog and focusing on our Journey Through Grief as well as our everyday life. What do ya think? Any suggestions???

A Break From Reality

2010-06-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I was hoping to do a special post during the end of May, but due to technical trouble with the blogger website my post was unsuccessful. My mission failed.

Onto to bigger things! We just returned from a fabulous trip to Hilton Head Island. This vacation was much needed after the emotional roller coaster that May brought. I am just so glad that it's over. I realize that we live every day without Evan, but his birthday and angel anniversary in one month can be cause for a psychotic break! This is what we get to look forward to with each passing year.

I know that I have blogged about the fact that everywhere we go we tend to see a rainbow. We were traveling through Tennessee and off in the distance was a beautiful rainbow! Evan seems to be wherever we go and God certainly lets us know! Our balcony overlooked a pond with a fountain in the middle. Each morning the light hit the water and produced the most beautiful rainbow. It was such a blessing to see!

Our trip was filled with warm sun and much needed relaxation. Noah and Chase were absolutely wonderful and we all had such a great time. Went went with my sister and her boyfriend as well. We layed on the beach, played in the sand, drank fruity drinks, watched alligators from our balcony, and even kept the economy going with a little shopping. A visit to the Coach store was a highlight as always! That is my secret addiction!

I think this was the first time that we truly enjoyed ourselves. I know in my heart that Evan is always with us in everything we do. Our lives have been filled with so much sadness that we are slowly learning how to live. Each day brings a new challenge but we somehow make it through. It seems that Noah is somewhat lost in life without Evan and it becomes evident more and more each day. He had a hard time trying to find other children to play with and he can usually make friend wherever he goes. We were surprised at how incredibly rude some people were, even the kids. Noah finally just asked me why Evan couldn't come down and be with him. This breaks my heart when he says these things because I know how badly he is hurting. It was so sad to watch other children with their siblings running on the beach and playing in the sand and there was Noah without Evan by his side. We wrote Evan's name in the sand and a little girl came over and began stepping on his name. This of course did not go over well with Noah. He was so upset and is still talking about being mad at her. The little girl didn't mean any harm and obviously did not know. Noah is just so sensitive to anything regarding Evan. While this makes me so sad, at least I know that Evan is still always on Noah's mind and in his heart.

One mission I had during this trip was to take a family photo. We have not done this since Evan passed away. The thought is just so emotionally draining. How do we take a family photo without one of our children? With tears behind each smile we managed to get it done. I wanted photos done by the ocean. There is a certain peace about the sun setting over the beautiful blue water. Heaven is supposed to be so incredibly beautiful! The beauty of the ocean makes me think of Evan and what he is experiencing. I feel so close to him there.

Poem

2010-05-30T13:11:00.000-07:00

I will lend to you, for a little time, A child of mine He said
For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back take care of him for me?
He'll bring you his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there, I want this child to learn.
I have looked the wide world over, in search of teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain
Nor hate Me when I come, to take him home again?"
Dear Lord", Thy will be done
For all the joys this child shall bring,the risks of grief we'll run
We'll shelter him with tenderness,we'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay
But should the angels call for him, much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Sent From Heaven!

2010-05-24T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just had to post this photo of the rainbow we saw this evening. Today is Evan's birthday and this was such a special surprise! I know that I have shared pictures of our rainbows before. It seems that on special occasions such as holidays or vacations we see a rainbow. We saw our first one that day we buried Evan. They seem to pop up occasionally. I think this is Evan's way of telling us that he is okay. Happy Birthday my sweet angel!!!

I will post pics of the balloon release tomorrow...

May

2010-05-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Evan's 8th birthday is on Monday. Each day is getting harder and harder. I should be scrambling around like a fool making plans for his party. Instead I am gathering items that I want to take to the cemetery to decorate his headstone.

Every year the month of May was always our favorite. Spring was here and the weather was usually nice. Evan's birthday was on the 24th and we all could not wait for summer. I used to love the smell of the blooming flowers and the sound of birds chirping on the cool sunny mornings. Nate and I would spend days getting the yard ready for a party. Now all these things are just a painful reminder of the tragedy in our lives and how we are changed forever.

I miss watching Evan get more and more excited as each day got closer. I miss how grateful he was to get presents and how everything always revolved around Superheros. Now each year his birthday will come and go and in our minds he will always be 6. Nate recently mentioned that we need to go and get him a present. This is when I just want to sit and cry...

Evan's aunt posted this on my facebook page this morning. Sometimes it is the little things that help me get through the day.

I know how much you love me as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me I know you'll miss me too, but when tomorrow starts without me please try understand that a angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand and said my place was ready in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I love. Don't think we're far apart. For everytime you think of me I'm right here in your Heart. Mom I'll always be your sweet little angel in Heaven! "Happy Birthday Evan"

Thanks Connie for brightening my day!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

This is the Cherry Tree that Nate, Noah, and I planted one year ago today in honor of Evan. It is absolutely beautiful and has blossomed so well!

As for today it is just another day without Evan. People are always concerned about how we do around any holiday, but everyday is hard just in different ways. We have found that the days leading up to are usually harder. The month of May is especially hard as his birthday and angel anniversary are just a week apart. I should be with Evan talking about his birthday party. I wonder what theme would he choose and who he would want to invite. Nate and I try to guess what he would be into right about now. My guess is Star Wars. I can only pretend...

This year we are discussing what we should do to honor him. The thought of "celebrating" his birthday is just a stab through my heart. After all, we get to spend Evan's 8th birthday in a cemetery. In everything that we have been through in 2 years Nate and I just don't know if we have the emotional energy. Maybe we should celebrate his 2nd year in Heaven.

Today my husband gave me the most wonderful present. The Mother's Day before Evan passed away he and I spent hours planting flowers. I set the flowers where they were to be planted and Evan dug the holes. He would say to me. "Is this deep enough mom?" He said in his Kindergarten Graduation letter that he wanted to spend the summer planting flowers with his mom. I will always cherish that day! Anyway, later that fall it was time to pull the flowers most of which had died. Nate brought several of the petunia's in the house and I stuck them in a book and forgot about them. Well this year Nate retrieved them and had them preserved in a frame for me! I was so surprised and thankful to my husband for giving such a wonderful gift from Evan! It was absolutely perfect!

I spent most of the day just hugging and loving my little boys! I am so thankful to God that I am a mommy.

Happy Mother's Day!

My Dearest Angel...

2010-04-19T14:50:00.001-07:00

I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new, I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart. Repost if you have someone in Heaven!

Through The Eyes Of A Child

2010-04-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

Since Evan passed away Noah has never really questioned exactly how he died. We have talked about Evan's death and that he is in Heaven, but the circumstances surrounding his death have never quite sunk in his little mind. By this I mean the fact that Evan died in his sleep, in his room, in his bed. While Noah is aware of this he has never shown any fear of dying.

Just Recently Noah has developed an intense fear of dying. In his innocent little mind he really thinks that he is going to die. Nathan and I have been dreading this and knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. In Noah's world Evan went to Heaven and won't return. We talk about Heaven and how wonderful it is all the time. He has been asking how Evan died and questioning the details. How do you explain this to a child when we really don't have answers as to the cause of his death? I can't tell Noah that there was some type of accident that won't happen to him. I have said that Evan was sick but every time Noah gets sick, he is going to think he will die too. Last week I picked him up from school and he asked me, "Mommy am I going to die tonight?" That stabbed right through my heart! He also relates Evan to being a big brother. In his mind Evan has always been the "big brother" and now that he is, he thinks it is his turn to die. The night Evan passed there was a bad thunder storm. He also attributes that to Evan's death. When a thunder storm rolls through he fears that the storm will take him to Heaven just as it did Evan. I hate the fact that my child has to go to bed at night wondering if he will wake up. Nate and I worry about that every night and have tried so hard to make bedtime as normal as it can be.

It breaks my heart that Noah has to think about these things. All of this is hard for an adult to comprehend let alone the mind of a child. It is also one thing for Nate and I to carry these fears, but to see my sweet four-year old sustain such a burden saddens me even more. Nate and I talk to Noah and try and reassure him that he will be okay. I feel like I am lying to him every time I say this. How can I be sure that he will be okay? I can only pray...

Happiness

2010-03-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

I never really read my own blog. I live this nightmare everyday so reading it only adds to my despair. However, lately I have been scrolling through the endless paragraphs of total sadness. I have relived the tragedy that struck my perfect little family. When I say perfect I mean that in every sense of the word, or at least as perfect as the all American family can get. Nathan and I have always tried to do what was right. We met at 15, got married at 21, graduated with our college degrees, had two beautiful boys, and traveled to beautiful places. We literally had the world in our hands. Most of all we had God. When we had Evan we made a promise to raise him to love God as well. While we have always tried to be extremely grateful for our lives, our priorities have certainly changed. So have our worries.

The other day someone asked me if I was still a happy person after losing Evan. That can certainly be a loaded question in our world, especially when we have endured so much pain and sadness. How does one find happiness in the midst of such a devastating tragedy? What defines happiness anyway? Many people would say money or many would say love. Nathan and I are slowly learning to find true happiness again. The birth of baby Chase has brought back so much hope for us. We find ourselves smiling and laughing a whole lot more. But in every smile there is a sad feeling of loss. That will never go away.

Overall I would say that I am a happy person. God has been the biggest support through everything. Nathan and I live each day feeling so blessed for all we have. I feel so blessed that I have such a wonderful husband who is always there for me. We have been given the privilege of having such wonderful children. I feel so honored that God chose us to be parents of our boys. God gave us six wonderful years with Evan. Most of all, I personally feel so blessed to have such a loving God watching over me. A good friend recently told me something that is so meaningful. We are not put on this earth be happy. We are not promised a life of luxury, but God does promise to stand by us in times of pain. Nathan and I are living proof of that. We are here to serve and honor God and with him, anyone can find happiness.

Baby Steps Forward...

2010-03-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

I am blaming my lack of blogging on having a new baby. My days are certainly kept busy with the wonderful tasks of motherhood. I am loving every bit of it including the poopy diapers. I am just so thankful!

Anyway, my anxiety level has remained low and I am thanking God every step of the way. I have tried not to worry about everything that I think may go wrong and it has taken a lot of effort on my part.

This past week Nathan and I accomplished something big! We managed to get Noah to sleep in his own room again. For most people this would not mean much, but for parents who sit and watch their children sleep for fear of them dying, this is a huge step forward. I have done a lot of praying and I am coming to terms with the fact that I ultimately have little or no control over what happens. I can do my best to protect my children, but in the end God is in control. And, I must say that the first night I only made one trip down the hallway into Noah's room! I was so proud of myself! Since then some nights have been better than others, but nonetheless, it is a start. Noah was happy to be sleeping in his own room again. I realized just how much we all needed this to happen.

Chase sleeps with an Angelcare monitor under his crib mattress. It detects his level of breathing and an alarm will sound if there is no movement detected. This has given me a great deal of security at night. We have the option to use one for Noah, but we chose not to because he would have to learn to turn it off every time he gets out of bed. This would be a harsh reminder that his big brother died in his sleep. I don't want to put that fear in him. This is where I have to trust.

Anxiety Overload!

2010-02-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

Lately my emotions have been running on high! Having a new baby is such a wonderful experience, but lately the anxiety has become overwhelming. On Monday Chase began having little spasms that looked like a cross between and seizure and constipation. His little body would stiffen and his arms would jerk upward. This of course sent me into a panic frenzy! I started searching the Internet hoping to find something positive. I came across lots of horrible things which only added to my extreme stress level. I thought for sure that something terrible was going to happen to my baby. He had about 5 episodes total in the past few days. All I could do was sit and watch him all hours of the day. I literally could not eat or sleep.

I took him to see the pediatrician. The Dr. actually got to see what Chase was doing. He told me that he really didn't think it was anything neurological. He thinks it just might be acid reflux or bad gas. I am trying everything to convince myself that Chase is really okay. Can I accept the fact that my children may actually be okay?

This is what Nathan and I are left with! Evan passed away in his sleep and we are left worrying sick about our other children. And I mean sick! Every little thing that happens may be something horrible in my mind. It is almost as if I am looking for things to be wrong. I can't just accept that my children will be perfectly fine. The anxiety at this point is so incredibly overwhelming. I have spent two days functioning at a very low level. How do I learn to live and not worry about every little thing that happens with my children?

I have just been praying so hard that God will keep my children safe and healthy.

Note to self........STAY OFF THE INTERNET!

Guilt, Fear, & All Of The Above...

2010-02-08T20:28:00.001-08:00

Bringing home a new baby has been so wonderful, yet fearful at the same time. Chase is doing well and Noah is very much in love with him. Noah is just so excited to have a little brother. In all the happiness we feel, the emptiness also consumes our thoughts. A big event just happened in our lives and Evan isn't here to share in all the joy. He would be so happy to have a new little brother. My heart just breaks to think that Chase will never know Evan and how special he was except through pictures, videos, and stories. We get to tell Chase all about his big brother who now lives in Heaven. We will one day have to take him to the cemetery and show him where his big brother is buried. He will never get the privilege of running around in superhero costumes pretending to save the world with Evan by his side. This makes me so sad. I thank God that Chase still has Noah.

The guilt has also set in. What would Evan think? I keep telling myself that he would be so happy for us having a new baby, but a part of me wonders if he thinks that we are moving on without him. This thought brings me to tears. I like to think that Chase was handpicked by Evan and sent to bring us the hope of a happy future.

With having a new baby comes an immense amount of fear. For any mom the fear of something happening to their baby lurks in their minds. In our world it is a harsh reality. My anxiety level is so high! I worry about every little thing, wondering if everything that Chase does is normal or not. As parents Nathan and I are left with the constant fear of something bad happening to our children. I watch both of them sleep desperately hoping they will be okay. I have to find a balance between just worrying and being neurotic. How do I learn to live normally and not worry that my children are going leave us? I just cannot bear the thought of losing another child.

I pray constantly thanking God that Chase is healthy and that he and Noah will stay healthy and safe. Six weeks before Chase was born we were told that there was a possibility he had Downs Syndrome. As soon as he arrived, the Neonatologist told us that there were no signs of Downs. Nathan and I prayed so hard for him to be okay. God has truly answered our prayers! We are so incredibly grateful!! I continue to pray every day that my children will grow into happy well-adjusted adults.

Our Newest Little Blessing!

2010-01-27T08:32:00.001-08:00

Here is our newest little miracle...

Chase Gabriel Allen

January 19, 2010

5:51 PM

7 Pounds 5 Ounces

20 1/4 Inches Long!

We are truly SO thankful to God. Chase is a healthy baby and we love him so much!!!

Evan would be so proud of him...

The Shoes

2010-01-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Christmas And The Future...

2010-01-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

We officially survived the holiday season. I actually think the preparation and anticipation was much worse than Christmas itself. I think not knowing what to expect was really the hard part. After Santa came on Christmas Eve, Nathan and I decided to watch the video of the last Christmas we had with both of our boys here on earth. It has been so long since I have heard Evan's voice! That was what really got to me. He was talking, laughing, and most of all, he was so healthy and alive. I just wanted to reach into the TV and grab him! He was just so loving and so sweet! He was more worried about everyone else opening their presents than his own. Evan was always so grateful. It has been a little over 19 months and I wonder what he would be like now. We miss him so much...

Christmas Day was spent with loving people surrounding us. My anxiety level was so high prior to that day that I thought for sure it was going to be terrible. Of course it was not easy, but we just focused on Noah and enjoyed every moment with him! He was so excited all day long. While it was great to see him thrive in the Christmas spirit, it was also sad to watch him open presents and enjoy Christmas without Evan by his side. I realized that Christmas Day is not any different than any other day really. Each day without Evan is always going to be hard, some just worse than others.

The past year has been filled with pain and hurt in more ways than one. My hopes for 2010 are quite high. I am determined that we are going to learn to truly enjoy life again. We have a a new baby due within days, and Noah who is full of life and holds us together. We also have the memories of Evan that will forever live in our hearts. For that, I am truly grateful!

One of my goals for 2010 is to learn to put my trust in God. I really struggle with this. While God has truly been a strength in our lives, I have such a hard time just giving all my worries to him. I still wake up and check on Noah every hour throughout the night. The thought of him dying in his sleep is constant, and with baby Chase coming soon, I have to learn to let my children sleep at night and trust that God will keep them safe.

Psalm 55:22 (NIV) Cast your cares on the lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

Another one of my goals to to focus on the blessings that surround us! I want to thrive in happiness and learn to view life in a more positive manner. With the tragedy that we have suffered it is so easy to sulk into darkness and despair, all of which I have done many times. While I know there will be many days of sadness and crying, I really want to try hard to learn to be truly happy again. My children deserve this!

Please keep us in your prayers as we are about to have our baby!

Christmas Memories

2009-12-24T15:17:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and our house is filled with the magic of Christmas and the emptiness in our hearts all at the same time. This is actually the first BIG year that Noah is experiencing the magic of Christmas. All day he has been anticipating Santa's arrival. We made some special cookies just for Santa. It is so awesome to see Noah get in the spirit and Nate and I have been trying our hardest to make special memories with him. Throughout the day I kept thinking that I should have both of my boys bouncing off the walls from all the excitement. It just isn't right that Evan is not here with us and the pain just lingers within.

While Noah is loving every bit of Christmas, Evan is never far from his little mind. Last night Noah crawled into the front window and looked out. He said to me, "Mommy do you know what my wish is?" I asked him to elaborate. He looked up into the sky and said, "Mommy, my wish is for Evan to come down from Heaven." He then asked me, "Do you think Santa Clause can bring him for me?" My heart just melted. It is times like these when I feel so bad for Noah not having his big brother by his side. There will forever be a void in our hearts. This is when I remind myself that Evan is spending Christmas in Heaven and there is no better place!

Have a wonderful Christmas and remember to focus on Jesus Christ for he is the true meaning of Christmas. Give your little ones lots of hugs and kisses! Children are the greatest gift and be thankful for each moment you have with them!

Our first Christmas with Evan!

Our last Christmas with Evan...

We love you sweetheart!

Feeling Beat Down

2009-12-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to feel completely and totally beat down. The past 18 months have been such a challenge and it seems like everything goes wrong. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant. Yesterday Nate and I went for an ultrasound to measure the baby. The doctor came in and told us that his little arms and legs were measuring smaller. What does this mean? My doctor said that it means that there is a slight possibility that our baby has Down Syndrome. The tech also saw a "fuzzy" spot on the baby's spine. My doctor then sent us to a perinatologist for another ultrasound and a better view of the baby. They viewed the spine and said that it was normal. HUGE blessing! They then confirmed the first measurements of the arms and legs, but also stated that this was the only marker they saw. There were no other indicators of Downs. The chance are very slim, but nonetheless there is still a chance. We had the choice to have an amnio done, but opted out of it due to the risk of early delivery and having a premature baby.

Of course this sent us into a whirlwind of emotions....again. It is starting to seem that we have this dark cloud hanging over us. I am trying so hard to stay positive and think the best! The genetic counselor we met with stated the there is also a good chance he just may be short. The fact that everyone in my family and Nate's family is very short gives me a great deal of hope.

I AM DESPARATLEY ASKING FOR PRAYERS!!! Please just pray that our baby is a normal, healthy baby and that God gives us the strength to handle whatever comes our way!

Happy Holidays? Not Really...

2009-12-02T18:18:00.001-08:00

Well, this post is probably going to be somewhat depressing to read due to my own self-pity! I have to admit that as much as I am trying to be positive about the holidays, they are becoming more and more difficult by the day. Nathan and I have been working on preparing for the holidays for quite some time. This past weekend was pure torture as we tried to put up Christmas decorations around the house. Since I am eight months pregnant, I thought I would get away with putting up a little tree and just a few decorations. Noah had bigger plans! He wanted a big Christmas tree and a house full of decor! So Nate and I thought it was only appropriate to indulge his desires. We decided to go all out, or at least on the inside of the house.

Saturday was the day we decided to do this. We discovered that we no longer had a big Christmas tree. We had forgotten that it had to be thrown away two years ago due to bad lights. So off we went to find a tree. Stores were busy, people were pushy, and this very pregnant mommy was trying to waddle around in all of it! We finally found a tree but they were sold out of lights. That was another adventure! After three hours and about 10 temper tantrums and many meltdowns later, we finally came home with a tree and lights! When I say temper tantrums and meltdowns, I must mention that Noah was great through all of this, so you can imagine who was having a hard time. Yes, me! I managed to cry over just about everything!

How are we going to have Christmas without Evan? This is just not fair! Last year we took off to Mexico, so we dodged Christmas and most of the festivities. This year is proving to be much harder. Pulling all of Evan's little Christmas things out of containers was absolute torture. His little ornaments are hanging on the tree and his little stocking is hanging on the mantle. Looking around my house one would think he is still here. It is just so sad. By Sunday, all I could do was sit in Evan's room and cry! I just want the holidays to be over.

The worst part of the weekend was having to decorate his little headstone for Christmas. While I wanted to make it look great, this is something that parent should never have to do. I also called the cemetery to order a grave blanket. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me who it was for. When I told her she replied, "So you need a child size?" This was another huge reality check. I actually had to order my child a grave blanket! This just sent me into a frenzy of tears! I don't get to buy all the fun toys that Evan would have wanted. I don't get to hear his special little Christmas wishes and watch the magic of Christmas unfold through his eyes. Instead I get to sit in my own sorrow and wonder what would have been. This seems to be my life story these days!

I know that I have to pull myself out of this awful state of sadness that I am in, at least for Noah's sake. I am probably doomed with pregnancy hormones vs. grief and loss. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. Is it always going to be this difficult?

By Sunday evening, I just sat a prayed for God to keep us strong...

The Struggle To Understand

2009-11-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

With losing a child, some people have certain expectations as to how we should act or certain decisions we should or shouldn't make. Evan's death left us devastated and hurt not knowing what each day would bring. Each day brings a different struggle as well as a new challenge. I never know what the next day will be like or how I will feel.

It has been 17 1/2 months since Evan left us. People assume that the more time that goes by or once you hit the year mark, things will get better. That is is merely an assumption. I get so tired of people saying that we should "learn" to do certain things or that we are "going to have to move on." No one has the right to say anything to us unless they have walked in our shoes for a day.

Each day I live with the fact that I walked into Evan's room and found him dead in his bed. For the first eight months, I relived this moment every hour of every day, almost as if I could change it in my mind. I would have panic attacks 10-15 times a day. I later found out this was considered PTSD. I live with the fact that Evan had to be taken away for an autopsy. Nathan and I had to sit in a funeral home and pick out a casket for our precious 6-year old little boy. The word casket should never be used in the same sentence as a child's name. We had to stand next to our child in a casket for 8 hours while everyone paid their respects. We had to walk behind six men carrying our little boy in his little white casket to be taken away forever. I never thought a cemetery would become such a big part of our life. I never thought I would have to pick out a headstone for my little boy.

Our search for answers has led us to make decisions we never even imagined. We had to send Evan's blood and tissue all over the country in hopes of someone helping us. Then after many long months and little answers, I had to open a package containing the last of Evan's blood and store it in a freezer in our basement.

I get to spend the rest of my life without Evan. I also get to watch all the other kids close to his age grow up and do the things that Evan should be doing right along with them. Each morning I wake up and this nightmare has not gone away. Every picture I see of Evan reminds me of what we don't have and how unfair this is. I cry every day! This is my own self-pity. The thoughts that I have on a daily basis are enough to make anyone crazy. I was driving home the other night in the cold rain. I passed the cemetery where Evan is buried and all I could think was there was my precious little boy in the dark, cold, rain, all by himself. I don't like this new life we are living!

Through all of this, Nathan and I have learned what it means to show respect and understanding towards each other. I may not always understand why he does certain things and he may not always understand what I do, but we always respect the other's decisions. People have different ways of dealing with certain situations. Some people seem to have their own opinions as to how we should do certain things.

I am incredibly saddened by how selfish some people can truly be because we don't do what they want us to. Until you have gone through what we have and walked a day in our shoes, I don't think anyone has the right to judge us or our decisions!

A Reason To Shop At Kohls!

2009-11-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

Okay, so if you ever need a reason to shop at Kohls, I will give you a good one. Back in August or maybe even September, one of the girls on "Team Evan" went into the Edwardsville Kohls soliciting a donation for the benefit. They were very receptive to helping! The manager stated that she had to contact the cooperate office to see what their store could do. Kohls ended up donating $500 to SUDC in honor of Evan! That is just awesome!! I expected a small donation of maybe $50 or so, but $500 just made our day! I am so excited! That brings our grand total up to $13, 500 raised and sent to SUDC on behalf of Evan! In addition to their donation, Kohls offered to send a few employees to help at the benefit. We graciously told them that we had enough people to help. Kohls then sent a group of employees to play trivia. So, when your doing your holiday shopping, remember to shop at Kohls. When they say "Kohls Care For Kids", they really mean that!!!

Halloween

2009-10-31T18:40:00.001-07:00

Today has certainly been a challenging day as well as trick or treating last night. It is just another example of continuing to live without Evan and all the life experiences we will miss with him. Evan absolutely loved Halloween. He loved to dress up! I used to say that everyday was Halloween in our house because the boys always played dress up, mostly in Superhero costumes.

Times like these are emotionally draining. Last night, the tears came when I was getting Noah ready to go trick or treating. I should have been getting two little boys ready to go. I kept wondering what costume Evan would have chosen. What Superhero would he be into now? His favorite costumes were his Spiderman costumes! He loved the red and the black. As much as I didn't want to let it go, we tucked his red one in his little casket and buried it with him. We thought he needed it more than we did. I will never again get to see Evan dressed up and ready for Halloween.

While these times can be filled with emptiness and pain, Nate and I are just so grateful to still have Noah to do these things with! While Evan is no longer here on earth with us, we still owe it to Noah to give him everything we have and to make his experiences wonderful. However, it breaks my heart for Noah not to have Evan by his side. I live with this thought everyday.

Halloween used to be such a great holiday for our family. We would begin thinking about costumes in August! The month of October was filled with lots of fun activities and trips to the "BOO at the Zoo" or Eckerts Fall Festival. Now, some of the things associated with Halloween such skeletons or headstones bring nothing but pain. This is the first of the big holidays we have to get through this year.

Here are some Halloween pictures of the previous years. In Evan's case, these pictures are all I have to hold on to...

Evan's 1st Halloween

This Halloween was my favorite! Evan wanted to be a pirate and was so insistent upon Noah being a parrot! He told me that "a pirate has to have a parrot!" So I spent hours cutting, stitching, and gluing felt into wings. Evan always came up with the cute ideas!

This was our last Halloween with Evan...

Final Total!!

2009-10-27T18:51:00.001-07:00

We officially have a final total for A Night For Evan! After all the hard work everyone put in to making this event happen, we are able to send $13,000.00 in honor of Evan to SUDC! (Sudden Unexplained Death In Childhood) This money will help parents like us who have little or no answers as to the cause of their child's death. The SUDC Program has helped us in so many ways, and for that, we are truly grateful. We are so happy to do something that Evan would be proud of! Thanks to everyone who made this possible!!! We could not have made this happen without all of the support!

A Night For Evan!

2009-10-13T18:24:00.001-07:00

All I can say is WOW! Our trivia night to raise money for SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) was extremely successful! Nathan and I were completely taken by the amount of support we had and how many people came to honor Evan. We had around 400 people, not counting the workers from "Team Evan". For the past three months, "Team Evan", which consisted of about 20 of our closest friends, worked their tales off to make this event happen. We solicited over 300 businesses and spent countless hours working on letters, flyer's, baskets, food, and various other arrangements. We could not be more grateful! God has certainly blessed us with an amazing amount of support in our time of need.

Our Trivia Night was a night that revolved around Evan. He loved Superheros so we thought that would be a great theme! Most people came dressed in some type of Superhero attire. Many even wore costumes! We also had a contest for the table with the neatest table decorations! The two winning tables consisted of a superhero table with everyone dressed in costumes and a handmade Spiderman decoration. Evan would have been so proud!

We also had about 75 items up for auction, all of which were donated from surrounding businesses. Then we had about 20 items for table raffle and about 40 items for silent raffle. We had items ranging from $10 to $900. During the big intermission, we had a live auction consisting of St. Louis Cardinals memorabilia. It was amazing! A BIG THANKS to all who donated to our event! We are so grateful!

People keep asking us what how much money we raised. We are waiting until Friday to announce the big total! Here are a few pictures from "A Night For Evan."

Final Sentence...Life Without Evan

2009-09-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of Noah on the beach...

It has been 151/2 months since we lost Evan. I think about him every hour of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't wonder what he would be doing right now. Each school bus brings tears, seeing other little ones his same age is grueling, yet we have the need to live vicariously through each one. While it is getting easier to be around children his same age, the sadness lingers constantly. I see pictures of kids and their accomplishments and my heart just breaks again and again. Evan should be doing those things also. In an attempt to dodge traffic one day, we took a detour and ended up passing the T-ball field where Evan played ball. Nate and I saw all the little boys in their little ball uniforms running on the field. We both lost it! Is it always going to be this way! I find myself avoiding certain situations because of fear.

I am beginning to understand that losing a child is a life sentence. LIFE WITHOUT EVAN! This means every holiday we don't get to by him presents or a new church outfit, every birthday we don't get to watch him blow out his candles, every wedding or graduation we get to wonder what would Evan be doing or would have done. All of these occasions in which people are generally happy and celebrating means we get to sit in a cemetery and cry! On the first day of school I sat and cried because I didn't get to put Evan on the bus and send him off to 2nd grade. I can't imagine this ever getting better. Our whole lives from now on will be "what would have been". All I can do is sit and reflect on memories and pictures from past holidays and events.

Sometimes waking in up in the morning is torture because I truly know that this is not a dream and I am not going to wake up. This won't go away. While in the middle of one of my meltdowns, I asked Nate, will this ever go away? Will we ever be truly happy again? I think back to our old life and how wonderful it was. We were living life to its fullest and enjoying each day with our wonderful boys. We had everything that most people only dream of. Now I walk past our family photo in our living room and see the smiles on our faces wishing that was us today. I see the happiness we once had and wonder if it is possible to ever feel that way again. Don't get me wrong, we still count our blessings every day and we are so thankful to have Noah.

We just recently took a vacation to Gulf Shores. We traveled with friends so Noah would have other kids to play with. The first day was very hard with the realization that all the kids were there except Evan. He should have been there with us! I kept thinking that we had to take a "family" vacation without one of our children. How can that be? We got to go swim in the ocean and play on the beach, but Evan didn't! How incredibly unfair!! This is when I remind myself that Evan is experiencing all the wonderful glories of Heaven and how awesome that is. I sat on the balcony and prayed for God to help us have a good time. I also asked God to send me a sign that he is with us. Two days later we had a small rain storm. After the rain we saw a beautiful rainbow over the ocean. It was so amazing! God was truly there with us and reassuring us that Evan is okay! Everywhere we go we get a rainbow! This is when I usually kick myself in the rear and remind myself to continue to be faithful!

What Is Normal?

2009-09-06T20:07:00.000-07:00

Another mom in our SUDC online support group posted this. It is so true in the lives of all of us who have lost our precious children...

What is normal now?

NORMAL is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and Easter.

NORMAL is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.

NORMAL is feeling like you can't sit through another minute without screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet at the same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.

NORMAL is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

NORMAL is not sleeping because a thousand "what ifs" go through your head constantly.

NORMAL is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some "noise" because the silence is deafening.

NORMAL is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.

NORMAL is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honour your child's memory and their birthday and surviving those days. And trying to find a balloon or flag that fits the occasion, "Happy Birthday"? Not really!

NORMAL is a new friendship with another bereaved parent and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children and worrying together over the surviving children.

NORMAL is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry or if there is food in the house.

NORMAL is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have 4 or 5 children because you will never see this person again, and is it worth explaining that one of them has passed away. And yet, when you say 4 children to avoid the problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.

NORMAL is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are "NORMAL".

Evan's Benefit

2009-08-22T15:23:00.001-07:00

“A Night for Evan” is a trivia night to honor our son, Evan David Allen
and to benefit the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program (SUDC),
a program of the CJ Foundation for SIDS.

Date: Friday, October 9th, 2009
Time: 6pm – 10:30pm
Place: Edwardsville Moose Lodge
7371 Marine Road
Edwardsville, IL 62025

Admission: $25.00 per person or $160 for a table of 8
Includes: Beer, Soda, Desserts,
and Ten Rounds of Trivia
(Bring your own snacks)
7pm – 10pm, Trivia

Decorate your table with your favorite superhero theme!
Prizes given for the most spectacular tables!

Raffles and Silent Auctions

For reservations or to make a donation, please call or email
Daven Allen at 618-655-1141 or allen8500@sbcglobal.net
Kristen Hill at 618-410-7856 or kristen121382@yahoo.com

All table reservations fully paid by September 18, 2009 will receive 10 free mulligan’s.

Please send cash or check to:
The Evan Allen Foundation (make checks payable to the Evan Allen Foundation)
P.O. Box 310, Edwardsville, IL 62025

All proceeds from the night will benefit the SUDC Program
For more information, please visit
www.sudc.org

The Long Search For Answers

2009-07-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

Caution: Contents may be disturbing to readers...

For the past 14 months, we have been on a desperate search to find answers as to the cause of Evan's death. We have been told many different things and led down many paths. It has been an incredibly gut-wrenching and horrific ordeal in trying to found out what happened to our precious little boy.

When the autopsy report came back and they told us that Evan had a virus in his lungs that "may" have caused his death, we knew then that there had to be something more. Evan's case then became part of the SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) program. They have helped us make several connections as well as reviewing his case and conducting more testing. Our first goal was to make sure that Evan didn't have a fatal genetic mutation or disease that could take Noah's life as well. This journey has led us to make calls and requests that parents should never have to do. I had to make the decision to send half of Evan's brain, along with other tissue and organs to San Diego, and the half to the CDC in Atlanta. Not to mention his blood being sent to five different doctor's in various cities. Doctor's and geneticists all over the country have helped us. I had to learn to read his autopsy report! Who wants to read about their child's body being cut apart like a science experiment? These are all things I had to become numb to in order to get them done. Nathan and I desperately wanted more answers!

During our long journey in finding out what happened to Evan, we have come up with many negative answers, as well as differing opinions. We have just recently been told by the CDC (Center For Disease Control) that Evan may have suffocated due to having croup as well. I didn't even know this was possible. According to my own pediatrician, intense coughing and inflammation to the airways can slowly cut of oxygen to the brain. We were told that Evan's brain more than likely shut down first before he even knew what was going on. This would explain why when we found him, he looked peacefully asleep. How does a parent accept this? Again, this starts another whole roller coaster of emotions. First it was the cough medicine and now suffocation? We have been beating ourselves up about this! Why didn't we take him to the ER? Could we have saved his life? Evan didn't really start coughing until he went to bed and had a 99.4 fever. How could something that seems so harmless be so fatal?

Nathan and I have come to the conclusion that we may never know exactly how or why Evan died. I think we just need to work on accepting that this happened, although the constant fear of Noah dying in his sleep plagues our every thought. At least if we had a concrete answer, we could breathe again. I guess this is where I have to really trust in God!

Back in April, we had the rest of Evan's blood sent to PGX Health in Connecticut for a genetic test to detect Long QT Syndrome, a fatal heart disorder. That was also negative. They called a few weeks ago and stated that they had some of his blood left over and that they were sending it to us. WHAT? I have to store my child's blood??? Being that this was the last of Evan's blood left, we had no choice. So, we ordered a medical freezer online. Yesterday that dreaded package came in the mail! It wasn't the cute maternity shirts I ordered from Old Navy, or something special for Noah. It was a frozen package containing Evan's blood leftover from the autopsy! As one could imagine, this sent our emotions into another spiral of sadness, anger, hurt, and whatever else you could think of! This blood is all we have left of our special little boy that used to light up a room with his charm and his smile...

The Veil

2009-07-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

As we get farther away from the day Evan became and angel, the more we are enjoying the things that we once did. Now that Summer is here, we are doing lots of fun summer activities with Noah.

We attended a 4th of July party over the weekend. Noah loved the fireworks! This is a good example of how we really try and have a good time with family and friends. We are getting to the point of actually starting to enjoy life again. While driving home, Nate and I discussed how we walk around with veils on our heads covering the pain and sadness in our hearts. We put on our happy faces and go out into the world. This only lasts so long before we hit a breaking point. We can only wear the veil for so long and then the time comes to take it off. For me, this usually means days of meltdowns. While the sadness and emptiness is always with us, we are learning to focus on the positive aspects of life. We still have so many blessings to be thankful for.

After a day distraction and fun the immense guilt creeps in. We don't get to do anything with Evan ever again. As time goes by it does seem like we wear our veils less and less, but they are still there. Our child died so how do we learn to live again? Slowly, we are learning to create a "new" normal for our life. While we will never stop missing Evan and the pain will always be there. I hope that someday the veils will disappear.

Fly Away

2009-06-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

I have been lazy about blogging lately. I am attributing this to lack of motivation and morning sickness! That is my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Anyway, I think the blogs about Evan's passing took everything in me. I needed to recover. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could read my blog because it is really depressing.

I am truly grateful to have the first year over with! While the pain is still so raw I know that most of the first happenings without Evan are over. Everyone has told us the first year would be the hardest. I think that it will always be hard no matter where we are in life. This summer has really been difficult. Now that the weather is warm, we have been taking Noah to do lots of fun things. I can't help be to think that Evan is missing out. Or, I should say that we are missing out on taking Evan to do fun things and miss seeing the smile on his face! Then I remind myself that Evan is experiencing true happiness that only happens in Heaven. He is completely free of pain and heartache.

This brings me to a discussion that Nate and I just recently had. All along, we have both said that it should have been one of us that died and not Evan. Evan should have gotten the chance to live a full life. But here is what I said to Nate. If God would have come down and asked us who gets to go to Heaven first, you or your precious son, what would we have said? I then ask myself, how could I have taken the opportunity to experience heaven and leave Evan behind in a world of sadness and pain? Would I have had the right to take Heaven away from my child? This thought has really changed my way of thinking. I certainly would have been very selfish to go before my child, even though that is not the way it should happen. Don't get me wrong. The pain of losing Evan will never go away, but at least it makes me feel better. My child was certainly chosen for a reason.

Okay, onto more important things. Two years ago this month we bought Evan his dirt bike. It all started when my dad's buddy brought his little boy's bike over. Evan was so thrilled! I only agreed to let him get close to it because I thought the loud noise would scare him. I was terribly mistaken. He begged to get on and Nate and I agreed. What was I thinking??? He hopped on this little dirt bike and took off! I could not believe that my almost 5-year old was riding a dirt bike! When I saw the look of confidence and amazement in Evan's eyes, I knew that he needed one of his own. In June of 2007, we bought Evan his very own dirt bike. Nate spent weeks searching for the perfect bike. We made a trip to Nashville, IL and brought back the bike. I will never forget that day. It was so special and Evan was so excited!! His bike was truly his passion, along with Spiderman of course. He was so proud of it. While I still sometimes wonder how on earth I ever agreed to get him one, I can truly say it was one of the best things we ever did with Evan.

As mother's, we tend to want to wrap our children in bubble wrap and keep them tucked away from the world. Evan always managed to talk me into almost anything. He used to say to me, "I can do it mom, just let me try!" While we want to protect our children, I think we also need to let them spread their wings and fly. Little did I know that Evan would one day become an angel and fly away. He only had 6 short years on this earth. I am so grateful that we let him live to the fullest and experience the things he wanted to. Evan was also such a grateful child and doing things with him was so wonderful!

Here are some pictures of Evan's pride and joy. They didn't have a riding suit in the store to fit him so I had to order it online. I totally regret not having any pictures of him in his cute little suit.:(

God's Promise

2009-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Part III

The following days after Evan passed were incredibly difficult. We were living a nightmare. We found ourselves doing what most parents cannot even comprehend, nor should they have to. We had to make funeral arrangements for our little boy. Our hopes and dreams for Evan were about to be buried in a cemetery. We spent those days picking out a casket, flowers, music, and planning the service. At the funeral home, they told us that we had to go and get clothes for Evan. I asked what for? They replied, "to bury him in". I HAD TO PICK OUT CLOTHES FOR MY LITTLE BOY TO BE BURIED IN!!! At the time, I was not capable of understanding that. I remember driving through town and everyone was so happy and cheerful. Summer was almost here and the weather was beautiful. Everyone was going on about their lives and our world had just come to a screeching halt. We were so incredibly blessed with people who helped. Everyone just seemed to come together and do everything for us. We were completely surrounded by an immense amount of people bringing food, gifts, flowers, and whatever else they could think of. Complete strangers were sending things for us. We called them fairies.

The following Monday was suppose to be Evan's last day of school. He was suppose to graduate Kindergarten. We chose to go in Evan's honor and receive his little kindergarten diploma. This would be the only certificate he ever received. I really wanted him to have it. His school was so incredibly supportive. After the ceremony, everyone went down to the playground and released balloons for Evan. What was suppose to be such a happy event was riddled with sadness for the loss of our little kindergartner.

The next day was the wake. Attending a wake is hard enough, but attending your own child's is grueling. Having to stand next to your child in a casket for hours is just about as bad as finding him in his bed. Nate and I got to be the first to see Evan. We stood outside the funeral home and prayed for God to give us strength to see Evan. We were completely terrified to say the least. When we walked in and looked at his little body laying there, we almost felt guilty for not losing it. They did a wonderful job with Evan, but is was so obvious that it wasn't him any longer. God had taken his soul home. We also wanted Noah to get to say goodbye. We held him up and let Noah say what he wanted to. He told Evan goodbye and that he loved him in the sweetest little voice. No child should ever have to do this! Noah's big bother would not be able to play superhero's ever again in this lifetime. The wake lasted about 7 hours. All I wanted to do was be close to Evan. I kept touching him because I knew that I would never again get to feel him. The amount of people that came to support us and say goodbye to Evan was so humbling.

The next day was Evan's funeral. Nathan and I stood in my parents bathroom talking about how we could not believe we had to get ready for our son's funeral. Does it get any worse than this? The funeral itself was beautiful, if you can call it that. Everyone did such a wonderful job with the pictures, music, and everything else. This is where I need to mention the most incredible aspect of those days surrounding Evan's death. That would be God. I truly believe that God literally walked right by our side during the darkest days of our life, and continues to do so today. When we walked in the church, it was completely sunny outside. During the service the pastor read a letter from Evan's teacher. She mentioned that when she hears thunder, she will think of Evan knocking his blocks down. The song "Word of God Speak" played, and in the song, it talks about pouring down rain to wipe the tears away. It began to thunder, followed by pouring rain! I remember sitting there praying for it to clear up so we could go have the graveside service. By the time the church service was over it was sunny and clear, as if it never rained! We got one more chance to see him before they closed the casket. After everyone left the auditorium, we walked up to Evan to say goodbye. Nate and I held each other and Noah. We told Evan how much we loved him and that we would see him again someday. They closed the casket with my precious little boy and his Spiderman costume beside him.

After the church service was over, we headed for the cemetery. Watching six men pick up my child's casket was also another one of those unthinkable, heartbreaking moments. They were taking my child away forever!!I remember being supported by people while walking behind. My child was then being loaded into a hearse and taken away. We went to bury our little boy. At the cemetery, we released six balloons in honor of the six wonderful years we had with Evan. We let them go and shouted, "To infinity and beyond!" Then we left my little boy in the cemetery all by himself. That thought was horrible.

This is another amazing God moment. When we returned to the church we noticed a beautiful rainbow above the church! It was truly remarkable. It was actually an upside down rainbow. We were told they are called halo's and that is suppose to mean an angel is watching over you. It was such a wonderful sign from God! We knew that Evan would be okay, but we really felt like God was telling us that we're going to be okay. Somehow, we were going to have to make it! This was God's promise to us. He was then, and still is our strength through all of this. I look back to that Friday night before he passed, and also at things that happened months before Evan died and saw God's hands in our life.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The Day Evan Earned His Wings

2009-05-29T18:19:00.001-07:00

Part II

The next morning, Noah came into our room and woke us up. Being the fact that Evan was up coughing, I wanted to let him sleep. We all went downstairs to eat breakfast. 8:00 came and Evan was still not up. I was sitting on the couch with a very unsettled feeling. I grabbed Noah and we started up the stairs to Evan's room. We walked into his room calling Evan's name. Evan was sleeping on the top of his bunk bed facing the wall. I said to him, "Evan! It's time to get up!" I knew instantly that something was wrong! I pushed on his little back and felt the coldness through his shirt. I then stepped up on the side of the bed in a panic and saw my precious little boy just laying there. I touched his arm and he was so cold and stiff. His color was very yellow with purple spots all over his face. I began screaming hysterically. I kept telling Evan to wake up and that he had a ballgame to get ready for! In my mind, I thought that Nate would be able to wake him and that this wasn't really happening. Nate came running up the stairs and rushed into Evan's room. I remember pacing back and forth screaming what happened? Nate was yelling over and over "oh God not my son!" Our precious little boy was gone and there was nothing anyone could do to save him. Our lives were shattered!

Nate told me to call 911. I remember making the call, but I have no idea what I told them. The next thing we knew, our house was flooded with cops, pastors, family, friends, and worst of all, the coroner. This was and still is every parents worst nightmare. How could our child just have died in his bed where he is suppose to be the safest? How could this have been our Evan? Experiencing true "shock" is such a terrible feeling. The police officers and coroners were questioning us about fevers, medicine, and whatever else they could think of. We were treated with nothing but respect and compassion the entire time.

I kept thinking that someone was truly going to wake me up from this dreadful nightmare. How could this have happened?? The coroner bent down to me asking about medication and what I gave Evan. Cough medicine and motrin were the only two. I remember asking him who he was. He replied, "honey, I am the coroner." Reality set in! This was very much real and happening to my family. My emotional state turned from shock to complete hysteria. I don't remember much after that, but I remember hyperventilating and seeing everyone's shoes because I couldn't get up off the floor. I also remember screaming at the coroner that Evan needed to eat breakfast before they took him. In times of sheer tragedy, I don't think the mind is capable of working right. And also, Evan was suppose to have a T-ball game, not an autopsy. The mere thought is absolutely horrific! I know that it had to be done, but the thought of that was enough to make anyone crazy.

Usually the scene of the "event" is suppose to be preserved. They were incredibly gracious to us and let our family go back up to his room and say goodbye before taking him. I crawled in his bed and looked at his innocent little face. Tearful and shaking horribly, I told him that I loved him very much and I was so sorry I couldn't save him. I kissed his cold little cheek. Nate talked to him also, but I don't' remember much of what he said. Everyone stood in a circle and prayed. My little boy was being taken away, never to come back and sleep in his own room.

The following days were such a whirlwind! It was like walking through a tornado and everyone was spinning around us. I couldn't even comprehend anything anyone said. We were suppose to be heading to Disney World, and there we were, sitting in a funeral home picking out Evan's casket! Tragedy struck our perfect little family. How were we going to plan a funeral for our 6-year old? More importantly, how do we live the rest of our lives without Evan???

When Our World Changed Forever

2009-05-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Many have already asked me if I was planning on writing about Evan's death. Well, knowing what a difficult endeavor this could be, I figured at least I would start before the 1st anniversary.
I think it is certainly important to talk about the Friday evening before he passed away.

I got him off the bus at 4:00 as usual and took him to a friends house to play. Nate picked him up after he got off work. My mother stopped by with her sister who was in town from Oregon. Evan of course begged my mom to go with her to spend the night. In six years, my mother never told Evan "no" about anything. On this evening she said no and that Evan could go spend the night on Sunday or later that week.

We had dinner as usual. Evan ate pork tenderloin and asparagus, his favorite vegetable. Weird,I know. At dinner, we were discussing the fact that Evan had a T-ball game the next morning. He was really happy about that. After dinner, I gave the boys their baths. We then settled down to watch the Cardinals game on TV. Out of nowhere, Evan began crying. This was not wining or moaning, this was full blown crying. Those who knew Evan would tell you that he never cried about anything. He was usually a content child that never got upset at little things. Evan was hysterical about T-ball. Nate and I looked at each other with amazement. Earlier, he was excited about his game in the morning, and all of a sudden he didn't want to play anymore. He was running a low grade fever and had a cough, so I attributed this to him not feeling well. He continued crying, saying how he was not any good at t-ball and that he didn't want to play anymore. He was also rambling other things that really didn't make sense. We went ahead and put Noah to bed. I sat on the couch and Evan layed across my lap. Nate sat by us and we both spent about an hour telling him how proud of him we were and how much we loved him. I specifically remember Nate saying, "Buddy, we don't care if you're any good at t-ball, we just want to see you have fun." We spent so much time telling him we loved him. I sat there and hugged him tight and wiped away his little tears. I looked down at him and said, "Let's go to bed a pray for Jesus to give you courage to play t-ball." So, we got up and Evan gave Nate a kiss and a hug. We then headed upstairs. Evan even asked if I would carry him up the stairs. This was the first time in a long time that I carried him anywhere! We got to his room and he climbed in bed. I tucked him in and we prayed together. I said to Evan, "Goodnight sweetheart, I love you". He said "I love you too mom." This was the last time I ever heard his little voice. Little did we know that we would never again hold him or talk to him.

We had a pretty severe storm that evening. After putting Evan to bed, we sat in the sun room and watched the sky filled with reds, purples, and blues. I remember telling Nate just how beautiful the sky looked. Shortly after, the power went out. I remember it getting hot in the house and Evan's coughing had gotten worse. I gave him cough medicine around midnight. He sat up, took the medicine, and went right back down. That was the last time I saw his little face while he was alive.

After losing Evan, I look back at this night in amazement. What a gift from God! The evening was just so out of the ordinary. It wasn't normal for Evan to be so emotional. I now realize that we were given the chance to say goodbye to Evan and we didn't even know it. Our last moments were filled with hugs, kisses,and prayers.

Happy 7th Birthday Evan!

2009-05-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

On May 24, 2002, God blessed us with the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen! Little did I know that I would only have six short years with Evan. Here are some pictures from his parties last year. Yes, he had two parties, one family and the other was with friends from school. Evan was really into Scooby Doo, so that was the theme. These were that last pictures of him ever taken.

May has probably been the hardest since Evan died. With Mother's Day, his birthday, the day he passed away, and not to mention, many of his little friends turned seven this month, it has been a struggle. I kept thinking of all the parties that I didn't get to take him to. The thought of celebrating Evan's birthday this year was tormenting. How do we celebrate without Evan here with us? The entire week leading up to his birthday was awful. Evan should be turning seven years old. We should have spent all week preparing for his birthday party! That just wasn't meant to be. Instead, we went to the cemetery to release balloons in his honor. We released seven red balloons with spider webs on them in honor of his seventh birthday. We then released lots of other balloons of various colors for people to write messages on. It was so sweet to watch them soar up to Heaven!

Throughout our journey, we have been so incredibly blessed with love and support. Thank you to everyone who helped make this day so special!!

And most of all, thank you God for such an awesome little boy!
Happy Birthday Evan! We love you and miss you very much!!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have truly been dreading Mother's Day for quite sometime. I think just the anticipation of my first Mother's Day without Evan was enough to cause anxiety. Last week Nathan asked me what I wanted to do on Mother's Day. Just that question alone was enough to start the tears flowing. After the dedication at Evan's school, I decided that I wanted to plant a tree in our yard for Evan. So, that is what we did. We planted a flowering cherry tree in our front yard. On this day I did not want to be honored, but instead honor Evan. So after bringing this extremely heavy tree home, we dug the hole, and planted our tree. We also wanted to make this special for Noah by involving him. So after digging the hole, Noah jumped in! That was his part in planting the tree!!

I also planted flowers. You may now be asking why this is relevant. Well, last year at this time I planted my burm full of petunia's, as I do every year. Evan walked up to me last year and asked if he could help. I graciously accepted his offer. At the time, I was wondering why he choose to help me instead of riding his bike or playing with friends. Anyway, Evan and I spent 2-3 hours planting flowers. He would dig a hole and ask, "is it deep enough yet mom?". He always wanted everything to be just right. He stayed by my side faithfully until all of the flowers were planted.

Evan was suppose to graduate Kindergarten on Monday, June 2nd of last year. He passed away just two days before. Nate and I attended the little ceremony that was held. During the ceremony, the Kindergartners were asked to read what they wanted to do that summer. Evan said that he wanted to plant flowers! This is something that I will hold in my heart forever. We were getting ready to go to Disney World in June and of all the things he wanted to do, was plant flowers. How awesome is that! I still cannot believe such a simple thing made such an impression to a 6-year old. Sometimes in life we take the small things for granted. It doesn't take much to reach the heart of a small child. Planting flowers with me was very special to Evan and I will hold that dear to me forever.

So, today I planted flowers. Yes, it was extremely bittersweet. I did not have Evan by my side this time. Although I have been anxious about this day coming, I actually had a sense of peace. I planted my flowers thinking of Evan every step of they way. I know that no matter what I do or where I go, Evan is always with me.

On this day, I also focused on how incredibly blessed I am to be a mommy! Noah just kept me going all day. He is just so full of energy and giggles that one cannot help but to smile. Thank you God for my precious children!

"Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever."

In Memory of Evan

2009-05-06T07:43:00.000-07:00

On Monday, Evan's school conducted a Memorial Dedication in his honor. It was so sweet and so special. Back in September, the school had a small fundraiser to raise money for a bench, a plaque, and a maple tree. The bench was red and below it the plaque depicted Spiderman and my favorite quote. Everything was set up just across from the playground where he played. I am certain that Evan would be proud, being the fact that he LOVED recess! We also sent bubbles up to Heaven!

The dedication was certainly moving, yet hard all at the same time. Some of Evan's classmates from last year also attended. Seeing how much they have all grown in a year was hard. They have all changed so much. Of course this made me wonder what Evan would be like today. I know that it has not been long since Evan died, but I will never again get to see how he changes. He will always be 6 years old to us.

One little boy was wearing his T-ball shirt from last year, which had #4 on the sleeve. Evan's T-ball number was 4. It was so great to see him wearing his shirt in honor of Evan. After Evan passed away, all the little boys had his number put on their sleeve. While I was thinking of T-ball, I figured I would share this picture. I absolutely love his sweet little smile in this picture. And of course, that is daddy in the background with the video camera!

Getting to see Evan's teacher and principle was also wonderful! Evan loved his teacher very much. I can only pray that Noah will be lucky enough to have her when he gets to Kindergarten. It will also be so special for Noah to play on the playground where there is a Memorial dedicated to his big brother. Notice I said when! I am really trying hard to think positive about our future.

Nathan and I were so moved by this dedication! It is truly amazing how many people came together to honor our son. There are so many people that we cannot even begin to thank. This is yet again, another blessing in the midst of tragedy...

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My Little Superhero

2009-04-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get so caught up in my emotions revolving around losing Evan, that I sometimes forget to focus on who he really was. Evan was such a loving, sensitive child who had a passion for life. He graciously welcomed the opportunity for new challenges. Whatever it was, riding his dirt bike or flying around in a superhero costume, the thrill on his face was priceless. Spiderman was certainly his main passion. He used to put on his costume and tell me "Don't worry mom, I will get the bad guys for you!" What I wouldn't give to hear those words again. Sometimes I just sit and hold his Spiderman costume just to be close to him.

Evan was also the best big brother any child could ask for. From the moment we had Noah, he began teaching him the values of being a boy. I used to just sit and watch the both of them fly around in their little capes pretending to save the world. Evan took his role as "big brother" very seriously. He thought that it was his job to teach him everything, including how to shave!

This was just one little moment in which I adored watching them bond into the world of dirt, bugs, and superhero's. Evan absolutely LOVED kindergarten. He was blessed with such a wonderful teacher who will always have a special place in my heart! He had such a great year full of friends and new experiences!

In the past months I have been so consumed with grief, that I forget to focus on Evan and the virtues of his ever-blossoming personality. He was a very easy going child and usually "went with the flow" of life, whatever that would be. We could do almost anything with him and he was very grateful!

As each day passes I miss him more and more. I know the pain will never go away and we will always carry that void in our hearts. We have all been so cheated not to have him here on earth. For now, I am really trying hard to focus on all the wonderful memories that we have of Evan.

"It is better to have loved, than to have never loved at all!"

Life To Treasure...

2009-04-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 11 months since Evan became and angel. While I feel like we are beginning to slowly move forward, many of my days are still filled with sorrow and tears. My nights are filled with fear as I lay awake and watch Noah sleep. Nathan and I have certainly had our share of shaking each other, Noah, or even the dogs! How sad is that? Nate and I just need the security of knowing that everyone in our household is alive and well. Typically, you get your children ready for bed at night with baths and stories. You then you tuck them nicely into bed, maybe say a prayer or two, and they are off to dreamland. Then you get that time to relax. For us, this time at night begins the hours of fear, at least for me. Nate is a pretty sound sleeper. I never fall into a deep sleep and usually check on Noah 20 times in a night. I panic if his breathing is slow or if he is laying in an awkward position. Sometimes I just lay there and listen to him breathe. When morning comes, it is a huge relief when Noah wakes up. I get another day with him!

We ALL need to be living every day like it is our last! This was the topic of our church sermon this week. Since Evan died, we truly DO live each and every day to the fullest. There is no doing the dishes first, and then playing with Noah. There is no waiting to do something fun with him. We do it then, within reason. We also don't say "when" Noah grows up, we say "if"....Many would argue that this is pessimistic, but in our world, that is another reality. Maybe someday I will be able to say "when" and have the security in knowing that he will grow up. Nate and I could have never imagined that when we put Evan down to sleep that night we would never again hold him, or get to play ball with him, or hear his little voice say "I love you too". His little life was gone and no time to "re-do" anything. We are just very grateful that we were able to have 6 WONDERFUL years with Evan! That little boy taught me more about life than I could have ever taught him.

We are all so guilty of living each day packed with unnecessary priorities and failing to truly treasure the important values in life. While we have always put our children first, we were caught up in all the "have to do's", project after project, night after night. We quickly learned how life can change in an instant. We try to live each and every day like it is our last and continue to count the many blessings that God gives us!

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a midst that appears for a little while and then, vanishes." James 4:14

Easter At Grandma Vicki's

2009-04-12T16:47:00.001-07:00

Easter 2008

Easter 2007

As for today, another holiday without Evan and another day filled with tears and pain...

Evan's Story

2009-04-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

I have had several people ask me to write something up so they can pass the information along. Here is what I have already posted on many websites. Feel free to copy and paste it or give the link. There is also a picture of Evan to use. The more people who know about this, the better! Thanks...

Evan's Story (Cough Medicine & Sudden Death)

"I just wanted to share our story about our 6-year old son, Evan. On May 31, 2008 our precious little boy passed away. I went into his room to wake him, and he was already with the angels. There was nothing anyone could do. Our lives were shattered!

The evening before he passed, Evan had a low grade fever (99.4) and a "croup-like cough". Nothing to really be concerned about. I gave him cough medicine and Motrin. After all, children get these little bugs all the time.

The autopsy report showed he had a viral infection in his lungs, but they were unsure as to the specific cause of death. Evan has been classified as SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood). My husband and I decided to have further genetic testing done on Evan. There has to be a reason why my 6-year old just died in his bed.

In the first week of January, we got a call from Indiana University, which conducted some of the testing. The doctor stated to us that one of Evan's liver enzymes, "2D6", was found to be inactive or essentially dead, non-functioning. When the enzymes in the liver do not work properly, the liver is not capable of breaking down certain medications. Therefore, the cough medicine containing "dextromethorphan" contributed to his death. This chemical is a cough suppressant. Read the back of the labels and you will find this in most all cough medicines. The doctors told us that 7-10% of all children have these missing or inactive enzymes. In medical terms, this is referred to as Cytochrome P450/2D6.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CYP2D6

How could something that suppose to help your child take his life??? There is much debate over the use of cough and cold medicine for children. What they don't tell you is the risk of sudden death, Evan now being one of them. My mission now is to save the lives of children everywhere. If someone had informed me of this, I would have NEVER given this medicine to Evan. Now, I get to spend the rest of my life without my precious little boy...

Tragedy & Pain

2009-04-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

As I have stated before, losing a child is something that a parent should never experience. For 10 months we have struggled each day, slowly learning how to live again without Evan. Last Saturday, I sat and cried with a mother who had just lost her 7-year old daughter. Being 10 months into our journey, I myself had few words for her. I personally know that there is NOTHING that would be comforting to a grieving parent. I looked into her eyes only to see the intense fear and pain left from such a devastating loss. This is the same pain that Nate and I have carried since we lost Evan. It breaks my heart to know that someone I know has to go through this awful journey. Nate and I wanted so badly just to tell both of them that everything will be alright, but the reality is that it will never be the same. Just like us, they will have to take baby steps and trust that God will lead the way.

Going through the wake and funeral was like Evan's all over again. She even had the same little white casket with gold angels on the ends. Nate and I did a pretty good job of holding it together as much as we possibly could. It was really God giving us strength! All through our ordeal, we have been enormously blessed with loving and supportive people. Now it is our turn to help someone else. All I can do is pray for God to guide them through the next difficult days, months, and, years without their daughter.

At the end of the funeral they played the song "Praise You In This Storm", by Casting Crowns. Since Evan died, I have kept this song in my heart because it reminds me to continue to be faithful to God, even in our darkest hours. I truly admire the parents for playing that song at their daughter's funeral. While tragedy and pain are my reality, I still count the many blessings in our life each and every day.

Eve's Blog

2009-03-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take time to mention my friend Eve. She graciously let me post Evan's story on her page. She got over a thousand views!! How awesome is that?!?! That is so many more mothers being warned about the danger of cough medicine, not to mention all of the feedback she has recieved.

In my lifetime, God has truly blessed me with great friends, like Eve. She has been such a blessing in my life. There have been times when I needed her and she dropped everything to come and cry with me. She and her husband have a little boy named Sam, and desperately want another child. Currently, they are struggling to get pregnant, so please keep them in your prayers.

Eve,
Thank you so much for all you have done!!! I love you!!
http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/

A Big Thanks For The Layout

2009-03-27T06:12:00.001-07:00

I just want to say a big thanks to Tycie from Scrappin' Blogs for making this beautiful layout. My blog looks so wonderful! Check out her website and see all of her cute layouts!!!

http://scrappinblogs.blogspot.com/

Thanks Tycie!!!

Noah

2009-03-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

Nathan and I have been waiting for the "perfect" time to take Noah to the cemetery. For months we have been trying to figure out what we were going to tell him. We finally decided that we weren't going to try and give him some elaborate explanation, that he may or may not understand. We just took him to Evan's grave and showed him the headstone. We did not tell Noah that Evan was buried there.

He was pretty much aw-struck. He liked the picture of Evan on the stone. He knelt down and touched it. Then he ran around like a little fool. It is truly amazing how children are spared the pain. Noah was really just impressed with the toys he could play with. While Noah did just fine, my heart was breaking inside. We actually had to take our 3-year old to see his brother's grave. How sad is that?

Today, Noah and I returned again. The rain has left residual dirt on the stone, so we went to clean it off. Noah and I then went up to the pond to see the ducks. He loved that. This was another moment in which I realized that this is our life now. Going to the cemetery to see Evan is part of our life now. There are no more birthdays with Evan, or holidays taking pictures of both of my boys in their little matching outfits. On every holiday or special occasion, going to the cemetery to see Evan will also be a priority. That is what we have now. And Noah, what about him? He doesn't have Evan to run around playing superhero's with. He doesn't have Evan to ask questions or tell him what to do. Lately the weather has been nice, so all Noah wants to do is play outside. It is so sad to see him playing by himself, knowing that Evan should be right by his side. It breaks my heart that Noah has to grow up without Evan. Evan should be there right by his side through everything, but the reality is that he is gone, forever.

After returning home, I sat crying in my own self-pity wondering why? This is one of those days when I just want to scream at everything and everyone who comes my way. MY CHILD IS GONE AND IT IS NOT FAIR!! Our lives are shattered and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. We just have to somehow learn to live with it.

Reality

2009-03-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

As I very well know, life can drastically change in a single moment. I found this out the hard way 91/2 months ago when I found Evan dead in his bed. The members of First Baptist found this out just recently. Watching the events of that day unfold moment by moment was a harsh reminder of pure evil. What is this world coming to? These things are suppose to happen in big cities trashed with street crime. Right? The shooting of Pastor Winters happened where my child attends preschool. How can that happen? This is when I get really angry at the world. It's just not fair!!!

I just cannot get his wife and girls out of my mind. While my loss is different, the long, hard journey of pain is the same. I hate that someone else has to endure this awful torture of trying to pick up the pieces of life and try to live again. I still have not figured this out and I am not sure I want to.

Speaking of Pastor Winters, Nate and I visited Evan yesterday. To my surprise Pastor Winters was buried just a few feet behind Evan. This brought such a sense of comfort to me and that doesn't come easily these days. Still we found ourselves asking why? Do we really have to go to a cemetery to visit our child? Will I ever wake up?

On a lighter note, one of my dearest friends turned 40 this year. She wanted to go on a cruise, so we all went. Nine girls total!!! It was such a needed break from reality. I spent weeks promising myself I was going to have a good time and not ruin anyone else's trip. The trip was awesome and so were the drinks!! It felt so good to laugh again. It actually gave me a little hope that maybe I truly am capable of being happy again. But, how can one truly be "happy" after losing a child? Someone please tell me! But with the fun of going on a cruise comes the overwhelming amount of guilt. This is something that Nate and I have struggled with since the beginning of this journey. Each time we find ourselves smiling or having a good time, the sense of guilt creeps in. My child died so how can I smile or laugh about anything? This is when I remind myself that we still have Noah! He brings the smiles and laughs that we so desperately need. A huge blessing!

Another thing...Tonight as I sit here writing this, it is raining outside. And of course I am thinking about my precious little boy out in the dark, cold, rain! Just another horrific thought running through my head. It happens alot!

2009-03-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

This is definitely one of the posts I have been dreading, but need to do. Just when I think we are doing somewhat better, something happens sending us in a backward spiral. Last Tuesday Evan's headstone was put in the cemetery. I cannot begin to say how incredibly surreal and painful it is to walk through a cemetery and see your child's name on it. It was another huge slap of reality. I know that Evan has been gone for nine months, but somehow seeing it engraved on a headstone made it that much more permanent. I know he is gone and not coming back in this lifetime. The monument itself is very beautiful, but at the same time, I should NOT have to see it. This is something a parent should NEVER experience!

While many people have already gone to visit Evan and see his headstone, we still have not taken Noah out there. Nate and I are trying to prepare him and hope to take him soon. In his innocent little mind, Noah believes that Evan is up in heaven with Jesus. While this is true, taking Noah to the cemetery and telling him that Evan is there also will drastically confuse him.

I thought I should mention one thing that has really gotten to me. When we first found out about the cough medicine being a major factor in Evan's death, I really tried hard not to blame myself. Obviously, this is easier said than done. When I was looking at the monument, all I kept thinking was the medicine that I gave him put him there. While the logical side of me knows that I had no way of knowing about his liver, the emotional side of me cannot control the thoughts running through my mind. Seeing his "permanent" monument just deepened the horror that much more. I just kept telling Evan how sorry I was. I just want to plaster the picture of his monument everywhere and say, this is what cough medicine did to my child!

Memories

2009-02-02T19:24:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been especially emotional. I am lucky to make it an hour without crying about something relating to Evan or this awful new life we are living. Yesterday, Nate decided to convert some the last video of Evan onto DVD. Until now it has been way to difficult to watch these home movies. I thought to myself, I want so badly just to hear his little voice again.

We started watching some of the videos from when he was around two. He was just so small and so sweet. I had forgotten how cute his little voice was! We then watched video from last Christmas. I never would have imagined that it would be our last Christmas with him. Little did I know that we only have five months left. We also watched his sixth and last birthday. Evan was six years old! He had become this handsome, happy, grateful child! Then, I only had days left with him until he became an angel. This was one of the last pictures ever taken.

Watching the videos was incredibly gut-wrenching, but worth every last minute. The entire time I kept thinking of how cheated we are not to have him here on earth. We don't get another Christmas or another birthday. Our reality is pictures, videos, and memories. That is all we have left of our precious little boy. If I could write a book, it would be titled "5 Minutes". I would give anything in the world to just have 5 more minutes with Evan. I would just love to hear him, to touch him, and hold him one more time. Please God, just 5 minutes?

Genetic Testing

2009-01-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well, we made our trip to Indiana and managed to make it back safely. We got the privilege of meeting Dr. Flockhart, who did Evan's genetic testing, or at least some of it. Due to the results, Dr. Flockhart wanted to test all three of us. (Huge Blessing!) We are primarily focused on Noah and to also determine which side these "gene variants" come from. It was so nice to sit down face to face with someone who has some answers as to how my child died. So, we got to spit in a cup for 30 minutes. Yes! I said spit...It is truly amazing how much you can learn from spit!

During the meeting, Dr. Flockhart elaborated on the scope of the testing. As I stated before, one side of Evan's DNA was normal and the other was faulty. They found two variations in the genetic pattern. One has been identified, and the other, they have NEVER seen before. They are now going to send the DNA off to another lab to be further analyzed. He did recommend completing the Long QT test, so I will be taking that to the coroner's office on Monday. Finally, after 8 months I feel like we are making progress. The rest of the meeting, we were just trying to make sense of all the "medical" lingo doctors oftentimes use. That in itself can be quite exhausting!

As for Noah, he was so great on our little trip. After 31/2 hours in the car, he was eager to get out and start charming the hospital staff, as you all can imagine. The spitting part was also fun for him as well as entertaining for us to watch! We then took him to a HUGE indoor water park. He was more that thrilled! He loves to swim...

Answers

2009-01-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday, we recieved a call from the University of Indiana, which tested Evan's blood for genetic abnormalities. Dr. Flockhart explained to us that Evan's liver was lacking the proper enzymes that would normally allow him to "break down" chemicals in the body. Evan was given cough medicine the night he died, therefore contributing to his death. This is genetic. The testing also revealed another genetic mutation that they were not able to identify. DNA has two components. One component was perfect and the other showed severe genetic mutations. Further testing is going to be done to determine what the other mutations are. Only one has been confirmed. Nathan and I are going to Indiana next Friday to be tested to determine what side these mutations come from. My biggest fear now is that Noah may have the same condition.

Right now I am still trying to process all of this information. I feel hugely responsible and guilty for giving him the medicine. I am really still so numb and very much overwhelmed. Everyone can say that giving medicine is what every mother does, but that is easy to say when it is not your child that died.

On another note, there has been much debate over the use of cough and cold medicines for children. What they don't tell you is the statistics of death among children, mine now being one of them.

My Awesome Family!

2009-01-03T19:26:00.001-08:00

This is how incredibly awesome my family is! Instead of having a traditional Christmas party, they decided to meet at Build A Bear Workshop on December 21st. They all made bears in honor of Evan. The bears were then distributed to long-term patients at Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. How awesome is that??? In all, 29 bears were donated. Because of Evan and my wonderful family, 29 sick children had a smile on their face! This is the best Christmas present I could have gotten this year. Nathan and I were so honored that my family wanted to spend Christmas this way. A BIG thanks from the bottom of my heart...

Another great thing about the day was getting to spend it with Evan's cousin Abbie. The two were in the same kindergarten class together last year, and spent alot of time together. Abbie was certainly a special part of Evan's little life. I love you Abbie!!

Just Another Hard Day

2008-12-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

We managed to survive Nate's grandfathers funeral. His passing was not at all the hard part. After all, that is suppose to be death's calling, ninety years old and ready to go! Being in the funeral home just brought back all those terrible feelings, the smells, the looks, the overwhelming quietness. It was just too much. I just hid in the hospitality room for the most part. It is also amazing how the mind works. I started remembering things that I hadn't until now.

These few days after have proven to be very difficult. As everyone around me is getting ready for Christmas, I am just trying to survive. I so desperately want to just crawl in a hole and stay there, but I know there are certain things I have to do for Noah. He deserves so much more than we can give him right now. Last night I was telling Nate that I need to get name tags for presents. He asked me why? It then occurred to me that we don't need name tags on the presents when all of them are for Noah. I so badly want to buy Evan something just to put under the tree. Sure, I can buy something, but he will never open it, this year or ever. This is just another piece of our harsh reality. Not to mention going into a store is pure torture. People are either happy and cheerful, or greedy. Both are hard to see and to deal with.

Today is just one of those days where I just cry all day. I keep hoping things will get better, but that is not happening. If I could just make it through the next few weeks, I will be okay. Everyone tells us that the firsts are the hardest. This is the first Christmas without Evan. I can't imagine ever "celebrating" anything without him.

Last week we attended our first SUDC meeting.(Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) This was truly a surreal expeience. The entire time I kept thinking I would much rather be sitting in an AA support group, or any other group for that matter. There are five families in the group. We sat around and listened to each of their stories. It was so scary how similar our stories are. All of these children died in their sleep and had mild viruses. The only difference was that Evan was older. The other little ones were 2 and 3 years of age. This meeting really didn't give Nate and I much hope for an answer, as these parents didn't ever get any more answers. We have been told that we have a better chance with Evan being older at his time of death. All I can do is just keep praying.

One of the hardest parts in this journey is the total loss of control. I feel like I have no control over anything and my world continues to spin in the wrong direction. My child died and I have to somehow learn to live with it, however and whenever that may be. Right now that idea to too far fetched. I would give anything in the world just to have things back the way they were. I miss the stability that I once had.

Nate's Grandfather Passed

2008-12-09T17:02:00.000-08:00

Today was the day Nate's family has been waiting for. Nate's grandfather has been very sick and finally passed away. He was 91 years old. Nate and I arrived at the hospital with everyone in the family by his side. We walked in the room not expecting what would happen next. We were there only moments before he died. This brought back EVERY "feeling" that I felt the morning I found Evan. The panic had set in. I couldn't even believe that I was watching someone die. I kept thinking in my mind that I have already been through the worst death imaginable, so I could surely handle this, right? I was terribly wrong. I wasn't prepared for the emotions that came with it. It was almost as if I was re-living that awful day.

The entire time I kept thinking that he will be the first to see Evan. I should be the one to see Evan! He should be here with us! As the holidays move forward, the thought of spending Christmas without my little boy is so hard to imagine. I should be able to buy him all of the little toys he so dearly desired. I should be picking out an outfit for his Christmas program at school. Instead, I get to buy flowers for his grave. Oh, and Evan will be getting a headstone for Christmas. This just shouldn't be happening! I keep hoping that each day will get better, but it is quite the opposite. Sometimes I stop and think, did this really happen to us? How could this have happened? Looking at pictures of Evan just makes me mad because we cannot make new memories with him. I am trying to keep my faith, but that proves harder and harder. I have been in the "angry" stage for quite a while. Sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can, my child died and I hate this new life!!!

Nathan went to be with his family this evening. I know I should be the "supportive" wife, but I just need to be with Noah. I am still trying to figure out how I am going to manage the strength to make it through another funeral.

2008-12-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

New Blog

2008-12-08T19:42:00.000-08:00

People keep mentioning to me that I should be journaling my thoughts and feelings. This would be easy to do if I didn't have a thousand emotions run through my head daily. Sorting these feelings can prove to be a time-consuming task. Until now, I don't think my mind has been capable of writing anything anyway.

61/2 months have passed since our precious little boy passed away. On the Morning of May 31, 2008, I went to wake him and found him already with the angels. There was nothing anyone could do to save him. At that moment, our lives were shattered, never to return to " normal". We are still left with little answers as to the cause of his death. Evan is classified as SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood). I didn't even know this existed. Yes, this exists and it happened to our little boy. We had been preparing to go to Disney World the 2nd week in June, now all of a sudden, we were planning a funeral for our child. How fair is that?

Our lives quickly changed from wonderful, to unimaginable in just a moment. We found ourselves sitting a Irwin Funeral Home picking out Evan's casket. This is something that no parent should ever have to do.