On The Edge

This picture deeply touches my heart. It has been so long since I have held my sweet Evan in my arms. My emotional state has taken a drastic turn from being somewhat strong to plunging off the cliff into a sea of tears. I knew this would happen the closer we got to Evan's birthday and the anniverary of his death. Earlier today I just sat in the cemetery and cried. The damn has officially broken. I just wanted to be close to him. I also let out some choice words about losing my precious little boy. It has been almost three years and my heart hurts more and more each day. I am truly just sitting in my own self pity. Nate is so strong and seems to have peace about Evan being in Heaven. I know that he is in Heaven but he should be here in MY arms. It is just not fair!

I want to hold him and touch his soft little skin. I want to wipe away his tears when he gets hurt. I want to ease his fears when he is scared. I want to listen to him complain about doing his homework. I want to see the smile on his face and light in his eyes when he achieves his goals. I want to see him drive his first car or walk across the stage with a diploma in his hand. I want to see the puppy dog look in his eyes when he falls in love. I want to see him teach his children all about Jesus. I can only dream.

I love you sweetheart...

Note to self....Stock up on tissues! There is a reason why toilet paper is for the "other" end.

That Time Of The Year

It is yet again that dreaded time of year for us. The month of May used to be such an awesome time as Evan's birthday was approaching and we were always busy planning a party. Planning a party is exactly what I SHOULD be doing right now. I should be taking him to pick out party supplies while arguing with him about the number of people he should invite. Nate and I used to spend hours getting the yard ready. I always loved the smell of honeysuckle and the fresh flowers everywhere. The trees are usually blooming and everyone is out enjoying the beautiful weather. Now all of that just brings the emotions surrounding his death even more prevalent. I feel bombarded with Mother's Day, Evan's birthday, and the anniversary of his death all in one month. On top of that all the other kiddos we are close too are also celebrating May birthdays and growing older.

I have to say though, this past Mothers Day was absolutely wonderful. We traveled over to the Missouri Botanical Gardens and let the kids play. We walked through the endless beauty of the gardens while taking some great photos of our kiddos. It was just a relaxing day spent with family who loves us! My sweet hubby bought me such a beautiful Emerald ring in honor of Evan's birthday.

Here are a few pics from Mother's Day...

Empty

The mere sight of this empty Easter basket is the epitome of our life without Evan. It is such a clear illustration of the emptiness in our lives, the hole in our hearts, and the sadness that hangs over are heads like a cloud getting ready to rain. At times that is just how I feel. I can only hold it in for so long before I let the flood gates go! I think by now I am getting very good at putting a smile on my face and muddling through, especially during a holiday.

While I am so grateful to fill the other baskets, Evan's will ALWAYS remain empty.

A Gift To Remember

One of the greatest fears among parents who have lost a child is that people will forget about our precious children who left this world so soon. Time moves on and people return to "normal", but we are left to pick up the pieces of this tragic devastation. I have literally been in a store and wanted to scream, " I have a little boy named Evan who died almost three years ago!" For fear of ending up in the local loony bin I usually try and keep my composure! So as you can imagine when someone remembers or thinks of Evan it is deeply touching.


A dear friend of mine brought this back from her recent trip to Disney World. When Evan passed away we were literally packing our bags to leave for Disney. We were suppose to be getting on a plane the day we buried him. Since Evan did not get to go, my friend brought this special souvenir back for him.


Sometimes it's the little things that bring a big smile to my face.! Thank you so much for thinking of my special angel...

Oh The Places We'll Go....

Upon reading my blog one could think that I tend to dwell or be stuck in my so-called life, as my ramblings are surely so depressing. Well this IS my life! We are living this life of grief while trying to pick up the pieces and attempt to put them back together, fully knowing that the puzzle will never be whole again.

Lately the weather has been so beautiful! On Sunday morning we asked Noah what he wanted to do expecting to journey off to the zoo or the park. He calmly stated that he wanted to go the the cemetery and have lunch with Evan. How sad is it that my sweet 5-year old suggested going "to the cemetery" to have lunch with his brother? I will never get used to this and his words nearly sent me into a frenzy of tears. I just wanted to scream "this is not fair!" But we gladly indulged his desire and headed off to see Evan with a quick stop at McDonald's first. We also needed to decorate Evan's headstone for Easter. So instead of obsessing over the matching outfits my boys should be wearing for the holiday, decorating at the cemetery is what we got to do instead.

So here is a photo of my three little boys together. I would much rather have their picture taken at a beach or a park, but due to this life of grief this is all I get!

As you can probably tell it has been a hard couple of days full of tantrums and tears on my part!

Things To Do List....

Grocery shopping
Dentist App.
Laundry
Get new flowers for Evan's headstone

SIGH.....

The Empty Room

Since Evan passed away his bedroom his room now sits dark, cold, and empty. It is pretty much just as it was when he took his last breath. His little toys are right where he left them. His mattress sits bare because the coroner's took his bedding when they took him. A dear friend of mine has his bedding along with his precious little Jammie's he was wearing the night he died. I just cannot bring myself to retrieve these items.

Lately Noah has been begging to sleep in Evan's room. Just the thought feels like a nauseating sucker punch to my stomach! He goes in there quite frequently to play or whatever brings him closer to Evan. He usually climbs on the top bunk where Evan died and sits. It absolutely breaks my heart! Noah has lost his brother and there is nothing I can do to take his pain away. Now that Noah is older the reality of Evan's loss has become so much more evident.

Nate and I are both so conflicted about letting Noah sleep in Evan's room. It is not that we don't want him in Evan's things, it is that I am terrified that he might die in there. For most parents this would be a paranoid way of thinking. For Nate and I it is very real. I did have a child die in there and I am afraid it could happen again. I try my best to rationalize my fears and trick my mind into believing that it couldn't possibly happen again, but so far it's not working. Some of the other parents in the SUDC program find comfort in letting their subsequent children have the room. I have heard from moms that they feel like there is a guardian angel watching over the room. It would be so much easier if I could believe this.

Nate and I have talked about this over and over. We finally agreed that we need to make it past 6 years and 1 week and then discuss letting Noah have Evan's room. As much as we don't want to I remind myself that Noah has lost so much. Who are we to take this privilege away from him? I think if we changed the entire room it may make it easier. Maybe this is just my wishful thinking. Then what do we do with all of Evan's things? How can I possibly "box" up the memories and treasures of my beloved child? And, if we don't let Noah have his room is he going to think that he is not as good as Evan? I am so conflicted...

Here is a photo of Noah sleeping with Evan's favorite Spiderman action figure. He sleeps with it every night and is very protective over it. I think it's Noah's way of keeping Evan close to him.