On The Edge

This picture deeply touches my heart. It has been so long since I have held my sweet Evan in my arms. My emotional state has taken a drastic turn from being somewhat strong to plunging off the cliff into a sea of tears. I knew this would happen the closer we got to Evan's birthday and the anniverary of his death. Earlier today I just sat in the cemetery and cried. The damn has officially broken. I just wanted to be close to him. I also let out some choice words about losing my precious little boy. It has been almost three years and my heart hurts more and more each day. I am truly just sitting in my own self pity. Nate is so strong and seems to have peace about Evan being in Heaven. I know that he is in Heaven but he should be here in MY arms. It is just not fair!

I want to hold him and touch his soft little skin. I want to wipe away his tears when he gets hurt. I want to ease his fears when he is scared. I want to listen to him complain about doing his homework. I want to see the smile on his face and light in his eyes when he achieves his goals. I want to see him drive his first car or walk across the stage with a diploma in his hand. I want to see the puppy dog look in his eyes when he falls in love. I want to see him teach his children all about Jesus. I can only dream.

I love you sweetheart...

Note to self....Stock up on tissues! There is a reason why toilet paper is for the "other" end.

That Time Of The Year

It is yet again that dreaded time of year for us. The month of May used to be such an awesome time as Evan's birthday was approaching and we were always busy planning a party. Planning a party is exactly what I SHOULD be doing right now. I should be taking him to pick out party supplies while arguing with him about the number of people he should invite. Nate and I used to spend hours getting the yard ready. I always loved the smell of honeysuckle and the fresh flowers everywhere. The trees are usually blooming and everyone is out enjoying the beautiful weather. Now all of that just brings the emotions surrounding his death even more prevalent. I feel bombarded with Mother's Day, Evan's birthday, and the anniversary of his death all in one month. On top of that all the other kiddos we are close too are also celebrating May birthdays and growing older.

I have to say though, this past Mothers Day was absolutely wonderful. We traveled over to the Missouri Botanical Gardens and let the kids play. We walked through the endless beauty of the gardens while taking some great photos of our kiddos. It was just a relaxing day spent with family who loves us! My sweet hubby bought me such a beautiful Emerald ring in honor of Evan's birthday.

Here are a few pics from Mother's Day...

Empty

The mere sight of this empty Easter basket is the epitome of our life without Evan. It is such a clear illustration of the emptiness in our lives, the hole in our hearts, and the sadness that hangs over are heads like a cloud getting ready to rain. At times that is just how I feel. I can only hold it in for so long before I let the flood gates go! I think by now I am getting very good at putting a smile on my face and muddling through, especially during a holiday.

While I am so grateful to fill the other baskets, Evan's will ALWAYS remain empty.

A Gift To Remember

One of the greatest fears among parents who have lost a child is that people will forget about our precious children who left this world so soon. Time moves on and people return to "normal", but we are left to pick up the pieces of this tragic devastation. I have literally been in a store and wanted to scream, " I have a little boy named Evan who died almost three years ago!" For fear of ending up in the local loony bin I usually try and keep my composure! So as you can imagine when someone remembers or thinks of Evan it is deeply touching.


A dear friend of mine brought this back from her recent trip to Disney World. When Evan passed away we were literally packing our bags to leave for Disney. We were suppose to be getting on a plane the day we buried him. Since Evan did not get to go, my friend brought this special souvenir back for him.


Sometimes it's the little things that bring a big smile to my face.! Thank you so much for thinking of my special angel...

Oh The Places We'll Go....

Upon reading my blog one could think that I tend to dwell or be stuck in my so-called life, as my ramblings are surely so depressing. Well this IS my life! We are living this life of grief while trying to pick up the pieces and attempt to put them back together, fully knowing that the puzzle will never be whole again.

Lately the weather has been so beautiful! On Sunday morning we asked Noah what he wanted to do expecting to journey off to the zoo or the park. He calmly stated that he wanted to go the the cemetery and have lunch with Evan. How sad is it that my sweet 5-year old suggested going "to the cemetery" to have lunch with his brother? I will never get used to this and his words nearly sent me into a frenzy of tears. I just wanted to scream "this is not fair!" But we gladly indulged his desire and headed off to see Evan with a quick stop at McDonald's first. We also needed to decorate Evan's headstone for Easter. So instead of obsessing over the matching outfits my boys should be wearing for the holiday, decorating at the cemetery is what we got to do instead.

So here is a photo of my three little boys together. I would much rather have their picture taken at a beach or a park, but due to this life of grief this is all I get!

As you can probably tell it has been a hard couple of days full of tantrums and tears on my part!

Things To Do List....

Grocery shopping
Dentist App.
Laundry
Get new flowers for Evan's headstone

SIGH.....

The Empty Room

Since Evan passed away his bedroom his room now sits dark, cold, and empty. It is pretty much just as it was when he took his last breath. His little toys are right where he left them. His mattress sits bare because the coroner's took his bedding when they took him. A dear friend of mine has his bedding along with his precious little Jammie's he was wearing the night he died. I just cannot bring myself to retrieve these items.

Lately Noah has been begging to sleep in Evan's room. Just the thought feels like a nauseating sucker punch to my stomach! He goes in there quite frequently to play or whatever brings him closer to Evan. He usually climbs on the top bunk where Evan died and sits. It absolutely breaks my heart! Noah has lost his brother and there is nothing I can do to take his pain away. Now that Noah is older the reality of Evan's loss has become so much more evident.

Nate and I are both so conflicted about letting Noah sleep in Evan's room. It is not that we don't want him in Evan's things, it is that I am terrified that he might die in there. For most parents this would be a paranoid way of thinking. For Nate and I it is very real. I did have a child die in there and I am afraid it could happen again. I try my best to rationalize my fears and trick my mind into believing that it couldn't possibly happen again, but so far it's not working. Some of the other parents in the SUDC program find comfort in letting their subsequent children have the room. I have heard from moms that they feel like there is a guardian angel watching over the room. It would be so much easier if I could believe this.

Nate and I have talked about this over and over. We finally agreed that we need to make it past 6 years and 1 week and then discuss letting Noah have Evan's room. As much as we don't want to I remind myself that Noah has lost so much. Who are we to take this privilege away from him? I think if we changed the entire room it may make it easier. Maybe this is just my wishful thinking. Then what do we do with all of Evan's things? How can I possibly "box" up the memories and treasures of my beloved child? And, if we don't let Noah have his room is he going to think that he is not as good as Evan? I am so conflicted...

Here is a photo of Noah sleeping with Evan's favorite Spiderman action figure. He sleeps with it every night and is very protective over it. I think it's Noah's way of keeping Evan close to him.

Journey Through Faith

Do you ever just want to shout to the top of your lungs about something you're so passionate about? In this blog I spend a great deal of time talking about Evan and how his devastating loss has impacted our lives in many ways. Sometimes I forget to focus on how much God has truly made an impact in our lives as well as others through our story. I know that I make mention here and there, but I need to remember and convey to others that God is the reason we continue on the way we do.

Lately it seems that other people around me have shared how losing Evan has made a difference in their lives. I often live in my own, dark, cold, world of grief and despair that I sometimes fail to recognize the impact we have on others. I want so desperately to know that Evan is still working and making a difference from Heaven.

A few weeks ago a VERY dear friend of mine and her husband were baptized! I cannot tell you enough how this touched my life! Evan's passing was a big part in her journey to Christ as she searched for healing and understanding by leaning on the Lord. I am so blessed to have such an awesome friend and to know that Evan took part in leading her down her spiritual path which led to a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am so honored to have been a part of this!

It has been more than two and a half years since Evan passed away. By the grace of God we grow stronger each day. Lately it has been on my mind to tell people how God has worked in our lives after Evan's death. In those first few terrifying months God was so close we could almost reach out and touch him! He was right by our side understanding our pain and grieving right along with us. Our stories are endless. I am so blessed to have such a loving God watching out for me as I am truly so undeserving. I just want to show everyone the power of God's influence in our life and that we are living proof that He is also a faithful God. God doesn't promise us a life of constant glory, but He does promise to walk beside us and carry us through the darkest of times.


I can see God's hand in areas of my life many years ago that were steps in preparing me for the tragedy we have endured. God knew that Nathan and I were going to lose Evan before he was even born. I found Christ through having Evan and thus began the journey to faith that would be tested to enormous strengths. God put people in our lives that He knew would help in the midst of darkness. We found out that we were pregnant with Evan on a Sunday morning. Nate and I looked at each other in excitement and we headed off to church for the first time. Yes! The day we found out that Evan was coming began our journey of faith. I could seriously go on and on....

People often tell me how strong I am. I know that I have mentioned this before but I am not strong at all. God provides me with the strength I need and I owe everything to Him. I want to make more out of Evan's death. I especially want non-believers to hear our story of loss and faith so that maybe they will be impacted to seek a relationship with Christ. I want people to hear how God has worked in or lives! I need for Evan's death to have a spiritual purpose.

I firmly believe everything that happens in life is just a part of God's bigger plan. I certainly don't understand is all and some things I know that I am not meant to know. I just have to have faith and trust that God will guide me down the path set for me.

In this you greatly rejoice, and then now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)

1st Birthday

Call me a lazy blogger! It has been more than a month since I last blogged. The holidays are pretty challenging to get through and rec-coup time was much needed. The month of January has proven to be a crazy, busy month as well.

January 19th was Chase's first birthday! I cannot believe that this year has gone by so fast. I love this little boy more than words can express and his little personality is blossoming by the day. He is such a sweet little guy and has brought so much hope back to Nate and I. He has a little sparkle in his eyes that remind us so much of Evan. Not to mention he looks so much like him as well. Noah is head over heals in love with him and literally cherishes every moment with him. Each morning Noah climbs into the crib and cuddles with him. Nate and I love to lay in bed and listen to the giggles and laughs over the monitor. Evan used to do the same thing when Noah was a baby. It is so awesome to see these two amazing little boys grow closer and closer each day. I just pray that they keep this loving relationship. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these two awesome little boys here on earth that keep us going each day.


Anyway Chase's birthday was very hard. In general birthdays are such a struggle for me. While I am so grateful that one of my children is another year older, I just can't help to think the worst thoughts. How many birthdays will we get with our little ones? I can only pray that we have MANY more!

Here is our little cake-covered munchkin...

Merry Christmas From The.....

Allens? What do you put on a card when you have lost a child? This is a question that arises each time I sign a card whether birthday or Christmas. Sometimes I put Evan's name on it and other times I just put the Allens. It doesn't seem fitting to leave his name off when he is still our child, just not physically present.

We have not sent out Christmas cards since December 2007. That was the last Christmas that Evan spent with us. This year I decided it was time to take photos and send the cards. Being an overwhelming emotional task Nate and I decided to make a laugh out of it. Then we couldn't decide whether to include first names, last names, etc.

This is the photo and the message. We didn't include any names...

From Our Misfits To Yours....

Have A Merry Christmas And A Blessed New Year

A Candle In The Window

Sunday, December 12th was the world wide candle lighting led by the Compassionate Friends Group. For those who do not know what that is, it is the support/grief group for parents who have lost children of any age. Of course this is the club that nobody wants to be in. So every year the candle lighting begins at 7:00 p.m.

Here is our candle in honor of Evan...



A big thanks to all those who lit and candle for Evan and sent us pictures. It means so much to us that people remember Evan!!!

The Grief Monster (Written In My Own Self Pity)

Nathan and I had some much needed time alone the other night as we drove an hour to retrieve a Santa gift for Noah. We just needed time to connect and this usually means reflecting on our life together and the tragedy we have come to know quite well.

Grief is like a monster always lurking around us. In my honest opinion it is like the Devil always rearing his head in the midst of provoking sin. Unlike the Devil we can't fight this awful monster. Nathan and I agreed that we are stuck in this life with the monster who has taken control over our lives. At least that is how I feel at times. Sometimes I feel trapped in a dark room with no way out and no one to hear my screams. Sure we have our good days but even on our best days there is a shadow of sadness that looms in every part of our being.

When we wake up in the morning there is again the realization that this is not a dream. I pass Evan's dark, empty room each morning as I walk down the hallway to get the boys. Everything in his room is just as he left it with his little toys sitting on shelves and his clothes folded neatly in the drawers. His little pajamas from the night before he passed away are sitting on the bed unwashed. I often find myself just laying on his bed holding his jammies close to me, as his smell is all I have left to hold onto. His toothbrush is sitting on his dresser with remnants of toothpaste between the bristles. I sometimes sit in my own self pity and cry wondering how this became our life. This is the life of grief.

I leave to take Noah to school and always pass a school bus or two reminded that I didn't put Evan on the bus. I pass the funeral home on my way to Noah's school where I stood next to my precious child laying in a casket for hours on end. We attend church were I touched his little face one last time as the funeral directer slowly closed him in, knowing that I would never again get to touch his soft skin or hold him in my arms. While on our way to St. Louis the other night we passed the cemetery where he is buried. It was dark, cold, and pouring rain. I said to Nate "there's our sweet little boy".

People often tell me how strong I am and the fact is I am not at all. The strength that I do have comes from God and each day I pray for Him to help me put one foot in front of the other. Some days are certainly easier than others. Nathan and I remind ourselves that we are so blessed and have so much to be grateful for. The two wonderful little boys that we have here on earth is the medicine that keeps us going.

The other morning while having coffee with a dear friend she reminded me that our story makes her appreciate her children even more. This is such a wonderful thing to hear. I hope that people everywhere love their children and make each and every moment count.

Conversation

Listening to a conversation between two VERY egotistic moms who where competitively bragging about their children.....


Mom #1

My third grader made the honor last quarter!


Mom #2

My third grader got first place in the fundraiser!

Mom #1

My third grader won the talent contest!

Mom #2

My third grader got the "best behavior" award this semester!

And the boasting went on and on...Sure we all love to shine upon our kiddos accomplishments, but I seriously thought I was listing to an episode of "Desperate House Moms" if such a thing exists!

My Thoughts


My third grader is laying in a casket six feet under the ground....sigh...

Right now I would give anything if my third grader was sitting in the principal's office.

I Shall Believe!

Yes, the holidays are coming upon us. For parents who have lost a child this typically means lots of tears, heartache, sadness, envy, despair, and whatever horrible feeling one could have. This year as I already see the decor overwhelming the stores I am determined not to feel sad! I keep telling myself that it has to get better and that Evan gets to spend Christmas with Jesus Christ himself. That is truly amazing!

Each time I walk into a store I find myself looking for items to decorate Evan's headstone with. I am searching for a big plastic Santa that can withstand the implementing weather conditions. I also mentioned to Nate that we should decorate the outside of the house this year. We have always done it big in the past and have not since Evan died. That is one of our goals this year! For now I am working on manipulating my brain into believing!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!


Do you think if I say this to myself enough times I might actually start to believe it?

Happy Halloween Evan

Halloween is one of the hardest to get through. I think because Evan loved costumes so much. He dressed up just about everyday and wore them everywhere!

These are our favorite photos of Evan. Happy Halloween sweetheart!
We love you!

The last time we carved pumpkins...

Note: Evan always liked to dress like Daddy!

My Long Lost Passions

Okay, I admit to being a super lazy blogger lately! I can attribute this to..........uuumm.........still thinking.........or just plain lack of motivation! UGH....

Before Evan passed away I thought of myself as a crafty queen. In essence I LOVED crafts! I loved scrapbooking, painting, and just merely creating things unique. Scrapbooking was where my first and greatest passion was. I was always up to date on just about everything that related to Evan and Noah. I have beautiful books that have become so terribly painful to just sit and look at. It is almost like looking at pictures of someone else's family. The smiles on everyone's face is priceless and I cannot even begin to have that feeling now. Everyone in the photos looks SO happy and on top of the world. That feeling doesn't exist in our world anymore. Don't get me wrong, we still feel happiness but it is certainly scarce. I also despise taking photos and I do it just to get it done. A dear friend of mine set up a scrapbooking week in September. Needless to say this was the first time I sat and attempted to scrapbook. It literally took everything in me to put two pages together and that was on day four! Nonetheless those pages were completed!

I also loved to make baby names for nursery's. I could make them match any theme or decor and they turned out so cute! I just recently completed a set for the same dear friend and I felt such a great sense of accomplishment! In my world it is easy to feel worthless because everything takes so much effort to do and sometimes I just don't get things done. Emotions play such a big part in this.

I am slowly learning that my passion for the things that I once loved is hard to come by. I find myself struggling to find happiness in my past endeavors. As we have learned to create a "new normal" in life I think I need to find new passions!

A Hard Lesson Learned

What I have learned from the tragic death of our son...

Bad things really can happen to my family

Time will NOT heal this gaping hole in my heart

Crying everyday is part of my life and that's okay

Grave blankets come in "child size"

Headstones are covered under home owners insurance

That children really can die for no apparent reason

That the coroner and medical examiner aren't the same

To lean on my husband (I am so lucky to have him)

The bond between siblings is unlike any other ( I believe that Noah has a special connection to Evan that we don't)

That a band aid or a kiss won't make Noah's pain any better

I love my sister more than I ever knew

This isn't a dream and I'm not going to wake up

Sleep is overrated

Coffee is a good thing

Life is precious and can be taken away at any moment

We may never know how or why Evan was taken from us

My friends are such a blessing in my life

Grief has many side effects (Hair loss, weight changes, anxiety)

Finding true happiness is a daily struggle

Behind every smile is a fountain of tears

Sitting in the cemetery and pleading for God to send him back doesn't work

It's the things I don't expect that are the hardest

Don't sweat the small stuff

People can and will cause us more pain even after suffering the loss of our son

Sitting in the cemetery in the dark is not scary

I have been referred to as "that mom"

I am no longer scared of dying

That life is NOT fair (Child abusers get to keep their children)

Losing a child is a life sentence

To trust in God and know that He is always there for me!

A Special Gift From Far Away...

When I became pregnant with Chase I joined a "Due in January" message board on Cafemom. I have met so many wonderful women who have been such a wonderful support. Last month some of the girls decided to do a book exchange for our babies. We set a $5 price limit and mailed our books. I received the book I'll Love You Forever and another book of manners for Chase. I'll Love You Forever means so much to us as the poem is inscribed on the back of Evan''s headstone. When I found out that Evan was a boy I bought the book and wrote a special message inside. I used to sing the poem to him quite often. Evan and Noah both have a copy and I have been meaning to buy one for Chase, but it has proved to be an emotionally challenging task. I am so grateful that it was just sent in the mail! Now Chase has his very own copy...

A few days later I received the book, Mommy Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heaven, from the same girl. This is truly one of the sweetest books I have ever read! I am always looking for reassurance that Evan is okay and this book certainly brings some much needed affirmation. Sometimes it is the simplest things in life that bring a smile to my face. A complete stranger from far away decided to do something to make my day a little brighter. It means so much!


Thank you so much Nikki!

Here is a photo of Evan's first day of Kindergarten...

It is August and that means the start of school. I have come to dread this time of year. I think it hits me harder than his anniversary date and I am not really sure why. Our school district began school on the 17th. I just wanted to hide from the world all week. I didn't even want to see or hear a school bus! I had to stay off facebook to avoid everyone talking about the teachers their kiddos had. To be honest, I felt like a little kid left out of the game. Everyone got to send their kids off to school except me. I guess you can say that it was mere jealousy. I kept imagining what it would be like to take his picture on his first day of 3rd grade. That will never happen. Thank goodness my reinforcement team showed up for coffee and bagels. I am so blessed with such an amazing group of friends!

I truly treasure the Kindergarten year that Evan did have. He was blessed with an incredible teacher and I loved being a part of his class! It saddens me to know that Kindergarten is ALL he will have ever had. I wonder if there is school in Heaven?

Noah's birthday was on Thursday. I literally had to pull myself out of the dumps and pull it together for him. This was not easy and it took every ounce of my emotional strength to get through it. How unfair is this? Every major milestone and/or holiday is riddled with sadness as well has happiness and hope for the future. Noah deserves his birthday to be recognized with enthusiasm and excitement.

I decided to sink myself into a Superhero cake that Noah so desperately wanted. I am pretty proud of how it turned out!

Look A Like

I just wanted to share these pictures of our boys. Each photo was taken between 6 and 7 months of age. Out of the three we are SO amazed at how much Evan and Chase look alike! Chase is slightly bigger than Evan was, but I cannot believe just how much he looks like Evan.

Evan

Evan


Chase

Noah

And Noah.....well we usually say Fed Ex or UPS!