Guilt, Fear, & All Of The Above...

Bringing home a new baby has been so wonderful, yet fearful at the same time. Chase is doing well and Noah is very much in love with him. Noah is just so excited to have a little brother. In all the happiness we feel, the emptiness also consumes our thoughts. A big event just happened in our lives and Evan isn't here to share in all the joy. He would be so happy to have a new little brother. My heart just breaks to think that Chase will never know Evan and how special he was except through pictures, videos, and stories. We get to tell Chase all about his big brother who now lives in Heaven. We will one day have to take him to the cemetery and show him where his big brother is buried. He will never get the privilege of running around in superhero costumes pretending to save the world with Evan by his side. This makes me so sad. I thank God that Chase still has Noah.

The guilt has also set in. What would Evan think? I keep telling myself that he would be so happy for us having a new baby, but a part of me wonders if he thinks that we are moving on without him. This thought brings me to tears. I like to think that Chase was handpicked by Evan and sent to bring us the hope of a happy future.

With having a new baby comes an immense amount of fear. For any mom the fear of something happening to their baby lurks in their minds. In our world it is a harsh reality. My anxiety level is so high! I worry about every little thing, wondering if everything that Chase does is normal or not. As parents Nathan and I are left with the constant fear of something bad happening to our children. I watch both of them sleep desperately hoping they will be okay. I have to find a balance between just worrying and being neurotic. How do I learn to live normally and not worry that my children are going leave us? I just cannot bear the thought of losing another child.

I pray constantly thanking God that Chase is healthy and that he and Noah will stay healthy and safe. Six weeks before Chase was born we were told that there was a possibility he had Downs Syndrome. As soon as he arrived, the Neonatologist told us that there were no signs of Downs. Nathan and I prayed so hard for him to be okay. God has truly answered our prayers! We are so incredibly grateful!! I continue to pray every day that my children will grow into happy well-adjusted adults.

Our Newest Little Blessing!

Here is our newest little miracle...

Chase Gabriel Allen

January 19, 2010

5:51 PM

7 Pounds 5 Ounces

20 1/4 Inches Long!

We are truly SO thankful to God. Chase is a healthy baby and we love him so much!!!

Evan would be so proud of him...

The Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Christmas And The Future...

We officially survived the holiday season. I actually think the preparation and anticipation was much worse than Christmas itself. I think not knowing what to expect was really the hard part. After Santa came on Christmas Eve, Nathan and I decided to watch the video of the last Christmas we had with both of our boys here on earth. It has been so long since I have heard Evan's voice! That was what really got to me. He was talking, laughing, and most of all, he was so healthy and alive. I just wanted to reach into the TV and grab him! He was just so loving and so sweet! He was more worried about everyone else opening their presents than his own. Evan was always so grateful. It has been a little over 19 months and I wonder what he would be like now. We miss him so much...

Christmas Day was spent with loving people surrounding us. My anxiety level was so high prior to that day that I thought for sure it was going to be terrible. Of course it was not easy, but we just focused on Noah and enjoyed every moment with him! He was so excited all day long. While it was great to see him thrive in the Christmas spirit, it was also sad to watch him open presents and enjoy Christmas without Evan by his side. I realized that Christmas Day is not any different than any other day really. Each day without Evan is always going to be hard, some just worse than others.

The past year has been filled with pain and hurt in more ways than one. My hopes for 2010 are quite high. I am determined that we are going to learn to truly enjoy life again. We have a a new baby due within days, and Noah who is full of life and holds us together. We also have the memories of Evan that will forever live in our hearts. For that, I am truly grateful!

One of my goals for 2010 is to learn to put my trust in God. I really struggle with this. While God has truly been a strength in our lives, I have such a hard time just giving all my worries to him. I still wake up and check on Noah every hour throughout the night. The thought of him dying in his sleep is constant, and with baby Chase coming soon, I have to learn to let my children sleep at night and trust that God will keep them safe.

Psalm 55:22 (NIV) Cast your cares on the lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

Another one of my goals to to focus on the blessings that surround us! I want to thrive in happiness and learn to view life in a more positive manner. With the tragedy that we have suffered it is so easy to sulk into darkness and despair, all of which I have done many times. While I know there will be many days of sadness and crying, I really want to try hard to learn to be truly happy again. My children deserve this!

Please keep us in your prayers as we are about to have our baby!

Christmas Memories

It's Christmas Eve and our house is filled with the magic of Christmas and the emptiness in our hearts all at the same time. This is actually the first BIG year that Noah is experiencing the magic of Christmas. All day he has been anticipating Santa's arrival. We made some special cookies just for Santa. It is so awesome to see Noah get in the spirit and Nate and I have been trying our hardest to make special memories with him. Throughout the day I kept thinking that I should have both of my boys bouncing off the walls from all the excitement. It just isn't right that Evan is not here with us and the pain just lingers within.

While Noah is loving every bit of Christmas, Evan is never far from his little mind. Last night Noah crawled into the front window and looked out. He said to me, "Mommy do you know what my wish is?" I asked him to elaborate. He looked up into the sky and said, "Mommy, my wish is for Evan to come down from Heaven." He then asked me, "Do you think Santa Clause can bring him for me?" My heart just melted. It is times like these when I feel so bad for Noah not having his big brother by his side. There will forever be a void in our hearts. This is when I remind myself that Evan is spending Christmas in Heaven and there is no better place!

Have a wonderful Christmas and remember to focus on Jesus Christ for he is the true meaning of Christmas. Give your little ones lots of hugs and kisses! Children are the greatest gift and be thankful for each moment you have with them!

Our first Christmas with Evan!

Our last Christmas with Evan...

We love you sweetheart!

Feeling Beat Down

I am beginning to feel completely and totally beat down. The past 18 months have been such a challenge and it seems like everything goes wrong. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant. Yesterday Nate and I went for an ultrasound to measure the baby. The doctor came in and told us that his little arms and legs were measuring smaller. What does this mean? My doctor said that it means that there is a slight possibility that our baby has Down Syndrome. The tech also saw a "fuzzy" spot on the baby's spine. My doctor then sent us to a perinatologist for another ultrasound and a better view of the baby. They viewed the spine and said that it was normal. HUGE blessing! They then confirmed the first measurements of the arms and legs, but also stated that this was the only marker they saw. There were no other indicators of Downs. The chance are very slim, but nonetheless there is still a chance. We had the choice to have an amnio done, but opted out of it due to the risk of early delivery and having a premature baby.

Of course this sent us into a whirlwind of emotions....again. It is starting to seem that we have this dark cloud hanging over us. I am trying so hard to stay positive and think the best! The genetic counselor we met with stated the there is also a good chance he just may be short. The fact that everyone in my family and Nate's family is very short gives me a great deal of hope.

I AM DESPARATLEY ASKING FOR PRAYERS!!! Please just pray that our baby is a normal, healthy baby and that God gives us the strength to handle whatever comes our way!

Happy Holidays? Not Really...

Well, this post is probably going to be somewhat depressing to read due to my own self-pity! I have to admit that as much as I am trying to be positive about the holidays, they are becoming more and more difficult by the day. Nathan and I have been working on preparing for the holidays for quite some time. This past weekend was pure torture as we tried to put up Christmas decorations around the house. Since I am eight months pregnant, I thought I would get away with putting up a little tree and just a few decorations. Noah had bigger plans! He wanted a big Christmas tree and a house full of decor! So Nate and I thought it was only appropriate to indulge his desires. We decided to go all out, or at least on the inside of the house.

Saturday was the day we decided to do this. We discovered that we no longer had a big Christmas tree. We had forgotten that it had to be thrown away two years ago due to bad lights. So off we went to find a tree. Stores were busy, people were pushy, and this very pregnant mommy was trying to waddle around in all of it! We finally found a tree but they were sold out of lights. That was another adventure! After three hours and about 10 temper tantrums and many meltdowns later, we finally came home with a tree and lights! When I say temper tantrums and meltdowns, I must mention that Noah was great through all of this, so you can imagine who was having a hard time. Yes, me! I managed to cry over just about everything!

How are we going to have Christmas without Evan? This is just not fair! Last year we took off to Mexico, so we dodged Christmas and most of the festivities. This year is proving to be much harder. Pulling all of Evan's little Christmas things out of containers was absolute torture. His little ornaments are hanging on the tree and his little stocking is hanging on the mantle. Looking around my house one would think he is still here. It is just so sad. By Sunday, all I could do was sit in Evan's room and cry! I just want the holidays to be over.

The worst part of the weekend was having to decorate his little headstone for Christmas. While I wanted to make it look great, this is something that parent should never have to do. I also called the cemetery to order a grave blanket. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me who it was for. When I told her she replied, "So you need a child size?" This was another huge reality check. I actually had to order my child a grave blanket! This just sent me into a frenzy of tears! I don't get to buy all the fun toys that Evan would have wanted. I don't get to hear his special little Christmas wishes and watch the magic of Christmas unfold through his eyes. Instead I get to sit in my own sorrow and wonder what would have been. This seems to be my life story these days!


I know that I have to pull myself out of this awful state of sadness that I am in, at least for Noah's sake. I am probably doomed with pregnancy hormones vs. grief and loss. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. Is it always going to be this difficult?

By Sunday evening, I just sat a prayed for God to keep us strong...