My Dearest Angel...

I wish Heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new, I thought of you yesterday, and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart. Repost if you have someone in Heaven!

Through The Eyes Of A Child

Since Evan passed away Noah has never really questioned exactly how he died. We have talked about Evan's death and that he is in Heaven, but the circumstances surrounding his death have never quite sunk in his little mind. By this I mean the fact that Evan died in his sleep, in his room, in his bed. While Noah is aware of this he has never shown any fear of dying.


Just Recently Noah has developed an intense fear of dying. In his innocent little mind he really thinks that he is going to die. Nathan and I have been dreading this and knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. In Noah's world Evan went to Heaven and won't return. We talk about Heaven and how wonderful it is all the time. He has been asking how Evan died and questioning the details. How do you explain this to a child when we really don't have answers as to the cause of his death? I can't tell Noah that there was some type of accident that won't happen to him. I have said that Evan was sick but every time Noah gets sick, he is going to think he will die too. Last week I picked him up from school and he asked me, "Mommy am I going to die tonight?" That stabbed right through my heart! He also relates Evan to being a big brother. In his mind Evan has always been the "big brother" and now that he is, he thinks it is his turn to die. The night Evan passed there was a bad thunder storm. He also attributes that to Evan's death. When a thunder storm rolls through he fears that the storm will take him to Heaven just as it did Evan. I hate the fact that my child has to go to bed at night wondering if he will wake up. Nate and I worry about that every night and have tried so hard to make bedtime as normal as it can be.


It breaks my heart that Noah has to think about these things. All of this is hard for an adult to comprehend let alone the mind of a child. It is also one thing for Nate and I to carry these fears, but to see my sweet four-year old sustain such a burden saddens me even more. Nate and I talk to Noah and try and reassure him that he will be okay. I feel like I am lying to him every time I say this. How can I be sure that he will be okay? I can only pray...

Happiness

I never really read my own blog. I live this nightmare everyday so reading it only adds to my despair. However, lately I have been scrolling through the endless paragraphs of total sadness. I have relived the tragedy that struck my perfect little family. When I say perfect I mean that in every sense of the word, or at least as perfect as the all American family can get. Nathan and I have always tried to do what was right. We met at 15, got married at 21, graduated with our college degrees, had two beautiful boys, and traveled to beautiful places. We literally had the world in our hands. Most of all we had God. When we had Evan we made a promise to raise him to love God as well. While we have always tried to be extremely grateful for our lives, our priorities have certainly changed. So have our worries.

The other day someone asked me if I was still a happy person after losing Evan. That can certainly be a loaded question in our world, especially when we have endured so much pain and sadness. How does one find happiness in the midst of such a devastating tragedy? What defines happiness anyway? Many people would say money or many would say love. Nathan and I are slowly learning to find true happiness again. The birth of baby Chase has brought back so much hope for us. We find ourselves smiling and laughing a whole lot more. But in every smile there is a sad feeling of loss. That will never go away.

Overall I would say that I am a happy person. God has been the biggest support through everything. Nathan and I live each day feeling so blessed for all we have. I feel so blessed that I have such a wonderful husband who is always there for me. We have been given the privilege of having such wonderful children. I feel so honored that God chose us to be parents of our boys. God gave us six wonderful years with Evan. Most of all, I personally feel so blessed to have such a loving God watching over me. A good friend recently told me something that is so meaningful. We are not put on this earth be happy. We are not promised a life of luxury, but God does promise to stand by us in times of pain. Nathan and I are living proof of that. We are here to serve and honor God and with him, anyone can find happiness.

Baby Steps Forward...

I am blaming my lack of blogging on having a new baby. My days are certainly kept busy with the wonderful tasks of motherhood. I am loving every bit of it including the poopy diapers. I am just so thankful!

Anyway, my anxiety level has remained low and I am thanking God every step of the way. I have tried not to worry about everything that I think may go wrong and it has taken a lot of effort on my part.

This past week Nathan and I accomplished something big! We managed to get Noah to sleep in his own room again. For most people this would not mean much, but for parents who sit and watch their children sleep for fear of them dying, this is a huge step forward. I have done a lot of praying and I am coming to terms with the fact that I ultimately have little or no control over what happens. I can do my best to protect my children, but in the end God is in control. And, I must say that the first night I only made one trip down the hallway into Noah's room! I was so proud of myself! Since then some nights have been better than others, but nonetheless, it is a start. Noah was happy to be sleeping in his own room again. I realized just how much we all needed this to happen.

Chase sleeps with an Angelcare monitor under his crib mattress. It detects his level of breathing and an alarm will sound if there is no movement detected. This has given me a great deal of security at night. We have the option to use one for Noah, but we chose not to because he would have to learn to turn it off every time he gets out of bed. This would be a harsh reminder that his big brother died in his sleep. I don't want to put that fear in him. This is where I have to trust.

Anxiety Overload!

Lately my emotions have been running on high! Having a new baby is such a wonderful experience, but lately the anxiety has become overwhelming. On Monday Chase began having little spasms that looked like a cross between and seizure and constipation. His little body would stiffen and his arms would jerk upward. This of course sent me into a panic frenzy! I started searching the Internet hoping to find something positive. I came across lots of horrible things which only added to my extreme stress level. I thought for sure that something terrible was going to happen to my baby. He had about 5 episodes total in the past few days. All I could do was sit and watch him all hours of the day. I literally could not eat or sleep.

I took him to see the pediatrician. The Dr. actually got to see what Chase was doing. He told me that he really didn't think it was anything neurological. He thinks it just might be acid reflux or bad gas. I am trying everything to convince myself that Chase is really okay. Can I accept the fact that my children may actually be okay?

This is what Nathan and I are left with! Evan passed away in his sleep and we are left worrying sick about our other children. And I mean sick! Every little thing that happens may be something horrible in my mind. It is almost as if I am looking for things to be wrong. I can't just accept that my children will be perfectly fine. The anxiety at this point is so incredibly overwhelming. I have spent two days functioning at a very low level. How do I learn to live and not worry about every little thing that happens with my children?

I have just been praying so hard that God will keep my children safe and healthy.



Note to self........STAY OFF THE INTERNET!

Guilt, Fear, & All Of The Above...

Bringing home a new baby has been so wonderful, yet fearful at the same time. Chase is doing well and Noah is very much in love with him. Noah is just so excited to have a little brother. In all the happiness we feel, the emptiness also consumes our thoughts. A big event just happened in our lives and Evan isn't here to share in all the joy. He would be so happy to have a new little brother. My heart just breaks to think that Chase will never know Evan and how special he was except through pictures, videos, and stories. We get to tell Chase all about his big brother who now lives in Heaven. We will one day have to take him to the cemetery and show him where his big brother is buried. He will never get the privilege of running around in superhero costumes pretending to save the world with Evan by his side. This makes me so sad. I thank God that Chase still has Noah.

The guilt has also set in. What would Evan think? I keep telling myself that he would be so happy for us having a new baby, but a part of me wonders if he thinks that we are moving on without him. This thought brings me to tears. I like to think that Chase was handpicked by Evan and sent to bring us the hope of a happy future.

With having a new baby comes an immense amount of fear. For any mom the fear of something happening to their baby lurks in their minds. In our world it is a harsh reality. My anxiety level is so high! I worry about every little thing, wondering if everything that Chase does is normal or not. As parents Nathan and I are left with the constant fear of something bad happening to our children. I watch both of them sleep desperately hoping they will be okay. I have to find a balance between just worrying and being neurotic. How do I learn to live normally and not worry that my children are going leave us? I just cannot bear the thought of losing another child.

I pray constantly thanking God that Chase is healthy and that he and Noah will stay healthy and safe. Six weeks before Chase was born we were told that there was a possibility he had Downs Syndrome. As soon as he arrived, the Neonatologist told us that there were no signs of Downs. Nathan and I prayed so hard for him to be okay. God has truly answered our prayers! We are so incredibly grateful!! I continue to pray every day that my children will grow into happy well-adjusted adults.

Our Newest Little Blessing!

Here is our newest little miracle...

Chase Gabriel Allen

January 19, 2010

5:51 PM

7 Pounds 5 Ounces

20 1/4 Inches Long!

We are truly SO thankful to God. Chase is a healthy baby and we love him so much!!!

Evan would be so proud of him...