Evan's Birthday

Evan's birthday was almost two months ago and I still have not blogged about it. I am a little behind due to busyness and blogger website issues. Anyway, we decided to have another balloon release in the cemetery the day before his birthday. Noah got to release 8 red balloons representing Evan's 8th birthday. He let them go and then shouted "Here they come Evan!" It was so sweet to hear Noah say that yet so sad at the same time. After Noah let his balloons go everyone else let theirs go. Off to Heaven they went!

In the past few months two young girls in our area have passed away in accidents. One of them, a six-year old girl, is buried next to Evan. Both families were having benefits to raise money to cover funeral costs. We decided to ask everyone to bring a "superhero" toy to donate to the girls benefits. We were able to put together 12 large baskets. The Kindergarten teachers from the school Evan attended also donated a Spiderman bicycle! How awesome is that? We felt so honored that everyone wanted to be a part of Evan's birthday. It was so wonderful to make something good out come of his birthday. A BIG thanks to everyone who supported us and the girls' families! Nate and I are truly grateful!!!

The photo of Noah standing by Evan's grave just breaks my heart. It is something a mother should NEVER see. I want so badly for Noah to have Evan here by his side but the harsh reality is just not so. It is so sad to even have to see pictures of a birthday celebration in a cemetery, let alone ones own child. There are no party games, no little children running around acting crazy, no presents to be opened, and more importantly, Evan doesn't get to blow out the candles on his cake. This is when the anger gets to me! I don't think I will EVER get used to this.

Blog Under Construction

Well, the site that I use to create my blog layout is currently experiencing troubles and hopes to have things figured out soon. Therefore my blog is going to be in renovating mode. Please be patient until everything gets in order. I am also thinking for re-naming my blog and focusing on our Journey Through Grief as well as our everyday life. What do ya think? Any suggestions???

A Break From Reality

Well, I was hoping to do a special post during the end of May, but due to technical trouble with the blogger website my post was unsuccessful. My mission failed.

Onto to bigger things! We just returned from a fabulous trip to Hilton Head Island. This vacation was much needed after the emotional roller coaster that May brought. I am just so glad that it's over. I realize that we live every day without Evan, but his birthday and angel anniversary in one month can be cause for a psychotic break! This is what we get to look forward to with each passing year.

I know that I have blogged about the fact that everywhere we go we tend to see a rainbow. We were traveling through Tennessee and off in the distance was a beautiful rainbow! Evan seems to be wherever we go and God certainly lets us know! Our balcony overlooked a pond with a fountain in the middle. Each morning the light hit the water and produced the most beautiful rainbow. It was such a blessing to see!

Our trip was filled with warm sun and much needed relaxation. Noah and Chase were absolutely wonderful and we all had such a great time. Went went with my sister and her boyfriend as well. We layed on the beach, played in the sand, drank fruity drinks, watched alligators from our balcony, and even kept the economy going with a little shopping. A visit to the Coach store was a highlight as always! That is my secret addiction!

I think this was the first time that we truly enjoyed ourselves. I know in my heart that Evan is always with us in everything we do. Our lives have been filled with so much sadness that we are slowly learning how to live. Each day brings a new challenge but we somehow make it through. It seems that Noah is somewhat lost in life without Evan and it becomes evident more and more each day. He had a hard time trying to find other children to play with and he can usually make friend wherever he goes. We were surprised at how incredibly rude some people were, even the kids. Noah finally just asked me why Evan couldn't come down and be with him. This breaks my heart when he says these things because I know how badly he is hurting. It was so sad to watch other children with their siblings running on the beach and playing in the sand and there was Noah without Evan by his side. We wrote Evan's name in the sand and a little girl came over and began stepping on his name. This of course did not go over well with Noah. He was so upset and is still talking about being mad at her. The little girl didn't mean any harm and obviously did not know. Noah is just so sensitive to anything regarding Evan. While this makes me so sad, at least I know that Evan is still always on Noah's mind and in his heart.

One mission I had during this trip was to take a family photo. We have not done this since Evan passed away. The thought is just so emotionally draining. How do we take a family photo without one of our children? With tears behind each smile we managed to get it done. I wanted photos done by the ocean. There is a certain peace about the sun setting over the beautiful blue water. Heaven is supposed to be so incredibly beautiful! The beauty of the ocean makes me think of Evan and what he is experiencing. I feel so close to him there.

Poem

I will lend to you, for a little time, A child of mine He said
For you to love the while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back take care of him for me?
He'll bring you his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief
You'll have his lovely memories, as solace for your grief
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return
But there are lessons taught down there, I want this child to learn.
I have looked the wide world over, in search of teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain
Nor hate Me when I come, to take him home again?"
Dear Lord", Thy will be done
For all the joys this child shall bring,the risks of grief we'll run
We'll shelter him with tenderness,we'll love him while we may
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay
But should the angels call for him, much sooner than we planned
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.

Sent From Heaven!

I just had to post this photo of the rainbow we saw this evening. Today is Evan's birthday and this was such a special surprise! I know that I have shared pictures of our rainbows before. It seems that on special occasions such as holidays or vacations we see a rainbow. We saw our first one that day we buried Evan. They seem to pop up occasionally. I think this is Evan's way of telling us that he is okay. Happy Birthday my sweet angel!!!

I will post pics of the balloon release tomorrow...

May

Evan's 8th birthday is on Monday. Each day is getting harder and harder. I should be scrambling around like a fool making plans for his party. Instead I am gathering items that I want to take to the cemetery to decorate his headstone.

Every year the month of May was always our favorite. Spring was here and the weather was usually nice. Evan's birthday was on the 24th and we all could not wait for summer. I used to love the smell of the blooming flowers and the sound of birds chirping on the cool sunny mornings. Nate and I would spend days getting the yard ready for a party. Now all these things are just a painful reminder of the tragedy in our lives and how we are changed forever.

I miss watching Evan get more and more excited as each day got closer. I miss how grateful he was to get presents and how everything always revolved around Superheros. Now each year his birthday will come and go and in our minds he will always be 6. Nate recently mentioned that we need to go and get him a present. This is when I just want to sit and cry...



Evan's aunt posted this on my facebook page this morning. Sometimes it is the little things that help me get through the day.


I know how much you love me as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me I know you'll miss me too, but when tomorrow starts without me please try understand that a angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand and said my place was ready in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind all those I love. Don't think we're far apart. For everytime you think of me I'm right here in your Heart. Mom I'll always be your sweet little angel in Heaven! "Happy Birthday Evan"

Thanks Connie for brightening my day!

Happy Mother's Day

This is the Cherry Tree that Nate, Noah, and I planted one year ago today in honor of Evan. It is absolutely beautiful and has blossomed so well!

As for today it is just another day without Evan. People are always concerned about how we do around any holiday, but everyday is hard just in different ways. We have found that the days leading up to are usually harder. The month of May is especially hard as his birthday and angel anniversary are just a week apart. I should be with Evan talking about his birthday party. I wonder what theme would he choose and who he would want to invite. Nate and I try to guess what he would be into right about now. My guess is Star Wars. I can only pretend...

This year we are discussing what we should do to honor him. The thought of "celebrating" his birthday is just a stab through my heart. After all, we get to spend Evan's 8th birthday in a cemetery. In everything that we have been through in 2 years Nate and I just don't know if we have the emotional energy. Maybe we should celebrate his 2nd year in Heaven.

Today my husband gave me the most wonderful present. The Mother's Day before Evan passed away he and I spent hours planting flowers. I set the flowers where they were to be planted and Evan dug the holes. He would say to me. "Is this deep enough mom?" He said in his Kindergarten Graduation letter that he wanted to spend the summer planting flowers with his mom. I will always cherish that day! Anyway, later that fall it was time to pull the flowers most of which had died. Nate brought several of the petunia's in the house and I stuck them in a book and forgot about them. Well this year Nate retrieved them and had them preserved in a frame for me! I was so surprised and thankful to my husband for giving such a wonderful gift from Evan! It was absolutely perfect!

I spent most of the day just hugging and loving my little boys! I am so thankful to God that I am a mommy.

Happy Mother's Day!