Here is a photo of Evan's first day of Kindergarten...

It is August and that means the start of school. I have come to dread this time of year. I think it hits me harder than his anniversary date and I am not really sure why. Our school district began school on the 17th. I just wanted to hide from the world all week. I didn't even want to see or hear a school bus! I had to stay off facebook to avoid everyone talking about the teachers their kiddos had. To be honest, I felt like a little kid left out of the game. Everyone got to send their kids off to school except me. I guess you can say that it was mere jealousy. I kept imagining what it would be like to take his picture on his first day of 3rd grade. That will never happen. Thank goodness my reinforcement team showed up for coffee and bagels. I am so blessed with such an amazing group of friends!

I truly treasure the Kindergarten year that Evan did have. He was blessed with an incredible teacher and I loved being a part of his class! It saddens me to know that Kindergarten is ALL he will have ever had. I wonder if there is school in Heaven?

Noah's birthday was on Thursday. I literally had to pull myself out of the dumps and pull it together for him. This was not easy and it took every ounce of my emotional strength to get through it. How unfair is this? Every major milestone and/or holiday is riddled with sadness as well has happiness and hope for the future. Noah deserves his birthday to be recognized with enthusiasm and excitement.

I decided to sink myself into a Superhero cake that Noah so desperately wanted. I am pretty proud of how it turned out!

Look A Like

I just wanted to share these pictures of our boys. Each photo was taken between 6 and 7 months of age. Out of the three we are SO amazed at how much Evan and Chase look alike! Chase is slightly bigger than Evan was, but I cannot believe just how much he looks like Evan.

Evan

Evan


Chase

Noah

And Noah.....well we usually say Fed Ex or UPS!

Well our trip to Hilton Head was almost two months ago. I had worked myself up to taking a family portrait and actually quite content with how it turned out. Now here is it is two months later and it is beautifully framed and still sitting on the floor. I keep looking at the last family photo we had taken and cannot bring myself to replace it. We all looked so happy and on top of the world. I look at the photo and wonder what it would be like to actually be that happy again. More importantly we had Evan. We were living life with our two beautiful little boys and couldn't have been any more grateful! We had light in our eyes and the glow on our faces showed it.

I am all to aware that when I take this family portrait down I will never again have a photo with all the members of our family. I had to settle with Evan's name in the sand. I had intended to put our new family photo on the wall along with two boys on one side and Evan's name on the other. That is just NOT the way it is suppose to be!

Things I NEVER Thought I Would Do..

In the life of a parent who has lost a child...


Today when Nate gets home we are heading to the cemetery to "clean" Evan's headstone and grave. I never thought the cemetery would be such a big part of our lives and quite frankly, it sucks.


I never imagined my life this way. Nathan and I have found ourselves doing things that we never thought would be a part of our life. Here are a few examples...



Pick out a casket for our little boy

Read our son's autopsy report

Receiving our child's death certificate in the mail

Having casual conversations with the coroner

Having the medical examiner release Evan's blood for further testing

Ordering a medical freezer to store his blood leftover from the autopsy

Interview with reporters

Benefit to raise money for a rare cause

Talk about my child's death and thinking what an sad lifetime movie it would be

Sitting with another grieving mother and understanding every incomprehensible thing she says

Decorating my child's headstone for each different holiday

Cleaning bird poop off of his stone

Having to go to therapy to cope with everyone else's problems that have beat us down even more

(Insert sigh...)


I think my emotional state was stronger during the month of May. Lately I cry at just about everything. All I can think about is how much I miss Evan and how after two years, I STILL cannot believe he is gone. School is going to start soon and I dread this time each year. I can't stand to walk through the stores and look at the school supplies and the cute little Spiderman backpacks. Of course he probably would have outgrown Spiderman by now.

He should be getting ready for 3rd grade. Instead we are living the 3rd year without him...

Evan's Birthday

Evan's birthday was almost two months ago and I still have not blogged about it. I am a little behind due to busyness and blogger website issues. Anyway, we decided to have another balloon release in the cemetery the day before his birthday. Noah got to release 8 red balloons representing Evan's 8th birthday. He let them go and then shouted "Here they come Evan!" It was so sweet to hear Noah say that yet so sad at the same time. After Noah let his balloons go everyone else let theirs go. Off to Heaven they went!

In the past few months two young girls in our area have passed away in accidents. One of them, a six-year old girl, is buried next to Evan. Both families were having benefits to raise money to cover funeral costs. We decided to ask everyone to bring a "superhero" toy to donate to the girls benefits. We were able to put together 12 large baskets. The Kindergarten teachers from the school Evan attended also donated a Spiderman bicycle! How awesome is that? We felt so honored that everyone wanted to be a part of Evan's birthday. It was so wonderful to make something good out come of his birthday. A BIG thanks to everyone who supported us and the girls' families! Nate and I are truly grateful!!!

The photo of Noah standing by Evan's grave just breaks my heart. It is something a mother should NEVER see. I want so badly for Noah to have Evan here by his side but the harsh reality is just not so. It is so sad to even have to see pictures of a birthday celebration in a cemetery, let alone ones own child. There are no party games, no little children running around acting crazy, no presents to be opened, and more importantly, Evan doesn't get to blow out the candles on his cake. This is when the anger gets to me! I don't think I will EVER get used to this.

Blog Under Construction

Well, the site that I use to create my blog layout is currently experiencing troubles and hopes to have things figured out soon. Therefore my blog is going to be in renovating mode. Please be patient until everything gets in order. I am also thinking for re-naming my blog and focusing on our Journey Through Grief as well as our everyday life. What do ya think? Any suggestions???

A Break From Reality

Well, I was hoping to do a special post during the end of May, but due to technical trouble with the blogger website my post was unsuccessful. My mission failed.

Onto to bigger things! We just returned from a fabulous trip to Hilton Head Island. This vacation was much needed after the emotional roller coaster that May brought. I am just so glad that it's over. I realize that we live every day without Evan, but his birthday and angel anniversary in one month can be cause for a psychotic break! This is what we get to look forward to with each passing year.

I know that I have blogged about the fact that everywhere we go we tend to see a rainbow. We were traveling through Tennessee and off in the distance was a beautiful rainbow! Evan seems to be wherever we go and God certainly lets us know! Our balcony overlooked a pond with a fountain in the middle. Each morning the light hit the water and produced the most beautiful rainbow. It was such a blessing to see!

Our trip was filled with warm sun and much needed relaxation. Noah and Chase were absolutely wonderful and we all had such a great time. Went went with my sister and her boyfriend as well. We layed on the beach, played in the sand, drank fruity drinks, watched alligators from our balcony, and even kept the economy going with a little shopping. A visit to the Coach store was a highlight as always! That is my secret addiction!

I think this was the first time that we truly enjoyed ourselves. I know in my heart that Evan is always with us in everything we do. Our lives have been filled with so much sadness that we are slowly learning how to live. Each day brings a new challenge but we somehow make it through. It seems that Noah is somewhat lost in life without Evan and it becomes evident more and more each day. He had a hard time trying to find other children to play with and he can usually make friend wherever he goes. We were surprised at how incredibly rude some people were, even the kids. Noah finally just asked me why Evan couldn't come down and be with him. This breaks my heart when he says these things because I know how badly he is hurting. It was so sad to watch other children with their siblings running on the beach and playing in the sand and there was Noah without Evan by his side. We wrote Evan's name in the sand and a little girl came over and began stepping on his name. This of course did not go over well with Noah. He was so upset and is still talking about being mad at her. The little girl didn't mean any harm and obviously did not know. Noah is just so sensitive to anything regarding Evan. While this makes me so sad, at least I know that Evan is still always on Noah's mind and in his heart.

One mission I had during this trip was to take a family photo. We have not done this since Evan passed away. The thought is just so emotionally draining. How do we take a family photo without one of our children? With tears behind each smile we managed to get it done. I wanted photos done by the ocean. There is a certain peace about the sun setting over the beautiful blue water. Heaven is supposed to be so incredibly beautiful! The beauty of the ocean makes me think of Evan and what he is experiencing. I feel so close to him there.