Journey Through Faith

Do you ever just want to shout to the top of your lungs about something you're so passionate about? In this blog I spend a great deal of time talking about Evan and how his devastating loss has impacted our lives in many ways. Sometimes I forget to focus on how much God has truly made an impact in our lives as well as others through our story. I know that I make mention here and there, but I need to remember and convey to others that God is the reason we continue on the way we do.

Lately it seems that other people around me have shared how losing Evan has made a difference in their lives. I often live in my own, dark, cold, world of grief and despair that I sometimes fail to recognize the impact we have on others. I want so desperately to know that Evan is still working and making a difference from Heaven.

A few weeks ago a VERY dear friend of mine and her husband were baptized! I cannot tell you enough how this touched my life! Evan's passing was a big part in her journey to Christ as she searched for healing and understanding by leaning on the Lord. I am so blessed to have such an awesome friend and to know that Evan took part in leading her down her spiritual path which led to a relationship with Jesus Christ. I am so honored to have been a part of this!

It has been more than two and a half years since Evan passed away. By the grace of God we grow stronger each day. Lately it has been on my mind to tell people how God has worked in our lives after Evan's death. In those first few terrifying months God was so close we could almost reach out and touch him! He was right by our side understanding our pain and grieving right along with us. Our stories are endless. I am so blessed to have such a loving God watching out for me as I am truly so undeserving. I just want to show everyone the power of God's influence in our life and that we are living proof that He is also a faithful God. God doesn't promise us a life of constant glory, but He does promise to walk beside us and carry us through the darkest of times.


I can see God's hand in areas of my life many years ago that were steps in preparing me for the tragedy we have endured. God knew that Nathan and I were going to lose Evan before he was even born. I found Christ through having Evan and thus began the journey to faith that would be tested to enormous strengths. God put people in our lives that He knew would help in the midst of darkness. We found out that we were pregnant with Evan on a Sunday morning. Nate and I looked at each other in excitement and we headed off to church for the first time. Yes! The day we found out that Evan was coming began our journey of faith. I could seriously go on and on....

People often tell me how strong I am. I know that I have mentioned this before but I am not strong at all. God provides me with the strength I need and I owe everything to Him. I want to make more out of Evan's death. I especially want non-believers to hear our story of loss and faith so that maybe they will be impacted to seek a relationship with Christ. I want people to hear how God has worked in or lives! I need for Evan's death to have a spiritual purpose.

I firmly believe everything that happens in life is just a part of God's bigger plan. I certainly don't understand is all and some things I know that I am not meant to know. I just have to have faith and trust that God will guide me down the path set for me.

In this you greatly rejoice, and then now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire may prove genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7 (NIV)

1st Birthday

Call me a lazy blogger! It has been more than a month since I last blogged. The holidays are pretty challenging to get through and rec-coup time was much needed. The month of January has proven to be a crazy, busy month as well.

January 19th was Chase's first birthday! I cannot believe that this year has gone by so fast. I love this little boy more than words can express and his little personality is blossoming by the day. He is such a sweet little guy and has brought so much hope back to Nate and I. He has a little sparkle in his eyes that remind us so much of Evan. Not to mention he looks so much like him as well. Noah is head over heals in love with him and literally cherishes every moment with him. Each morning Noah climbs into the crib and cuddles with him. Nate and I love to lay in bed and listen to the giggles and laughs over the monitor. Evan used to do the same thing when Noah was a baby. It is so awesome to see these two amazing little boys grow closer and closer each day. I just pray that they keep this loving relationship. I am just so incredibly grateful to have these two awesome little boys here on earth that keep us going each day.


Anyway Chase's birthday was very hard. In general birthdays are such a struggle for me. While I am so grateful that one of my children is another year older, I just can't help to think the worst thoughts. How many birthdays will we get with our little ones? I can only pray that we have MANY more!

Here is our little cake-covered munchkin...

Merry Christmas From The.....

Allens? What do you put on a card when you have lost a child? This is a question that arises each time I sign a card whether birthday or Christmas. Sometimes I put Evan's name on it and other times I just put the Allens. It doesn't seem fitting to leave his name off when he is still our child, just not physically present.

We have not sent out Christmas cards since December 2007. That was the last Christmas that Evan spent with us. This year I decided it was time to take photos and send the cards. Being an overwhelming emotional task Nate and I decided to make a laugh out of it. Then we couldn't decide whether to include first names, last names, etc.

This is the photo and the message. We didn't include any names...

From Our Misfits To Yours....

Have A Merry Christmas And A Blessed New Year

A Candle In The Window

Sunday, December 12th was the world wide candle lighting led by the Compassionate Friends Group. For those who do not know what that is, it is the support/grief group for parents who have lost children of any age. Of course this is the club that nobody wants to be in. So every year the candle lighting begins at 7:00 p.m.

Here is our candle in honor of Evan...



A big thanks to all those who lit and candle for Evan and sent us pictures. It means so much to us that people remember Evan!!!

The Grief Monster (Written In My Own Self Pity)

Nathan and I had some much needed time alone the other night as we drove an hour to retrieve a Santa gift for Noah. We just needed time to connect and this usually means reflecting on our life together and the tragedy we have come to know quite well.

Grief is like a monster always lurking around us. In my honest opinion it is like the Devil always rearing his head in the midst of provoking sin. Unlike the Devil we can't fight this awful monster. Nathan and I agreed that we are stuck in this life with the monster who has taken control over our lives. At least that is how I feel at times. Sometimes I feel trapped in a dark room with no way out and no one to hear my screams. Sure we have our good days but even on our best days there is a shadow of sadness that looms in every part of our being.

When we wake up in the morning there is again the realization that this is not a dream. I pass Evan's dark, empty room each morning as I walk down the hallway to get the boys. Everything in his room is just as he left it with his little toys sitting on shelves and his clothes folded neatly in the drawers. His little pajamas from the night before he passed away are sitting on the bed unwashed. I often find myself just laying on his bed holding his jammies close to me, as his smell is all I have left to hold onto. His toothbrush is sitting on his dresser with remnants of toothpaste between the bristles. I sometimes sit in my own self pity and cry wondering how this became our life. This is the life of grief.

I leave to take Noah to school and always pass a school bus or two reminded that I didn't put Evan on the bus. I pass the funeral home on my way to Noah's school where I stood next to my precious child laying in a casket for hours on end. We attend church were I touched his little face one last time as the funeral directer slowly closed him in, knowing that I would never again get to touch his soft skin or hold him in my arms. While on our way to St. Louis the other night we passed the cemetery where he is buried. It was dark, cold, and pouring rain. I said to Nate "there's our sweet little boy".

People often tell me how strong I am and the fact is I am not at all. The strength that I do have comes from God and each day I pray for Him to help me put one foot in front of the other. Some days are certainly easier than others. Nathan and I remind ourselves that we are so blessed and have so much to be grateful for. The two wonderful little boys that we have here on earth is the medicine that keeps us going.

The other morning while having coffee with a dear friend she reminded me that our story makes her appreciate her children even more. This is such a wonderful thing to hear. I hope that people everywhere love their children and make each and every moment count.

Conversation

Listening to a conversation between two VERY egotistic moms who where competitively bragging about their children.....


Mom #1

My third grader made the honor last quarter!


Mom #2

My third grader got first place in the fundraiser!

Mom #1

My third grader won the talent contest!

Mom #2

My third grader got the "best behavior" award this semester!

And the boasting went on and on...Sure we all love to shine upon our kiddos accomplishments, but I seriously thought I was listing to an episode of "Desperate House Moms" if such a thing exists!

My Thoughts


My third grader is laying in a casket six feet under the ground....sigh...

Right now I would give anything if my third grader was sitting in the principal's office.

I Shall Believe!

Yes, the holidays are coming upon us. For parents who have lost a child this typically means lots of tears, heartache, sadness, envy, despair, and whatever horrible feeling one could have. This year as I already see the decor overwhelming the stores I am determined not to feel sad! I keep telling myself that it has to get better and that Evan gets to spend Christmas with Jesus Christ himself. That is truly amazing!

Each time I walk into a store I find myself looking for items to decorate Evan's headstone with. I am searching for a big plastic Santa that can withstand the implementing weather conditions. I also mentioned to Nate that we should decorate the outside of the house this year. We have always done it big in the past and have not since Evan died. That is one of our goals this year! For now I am working on manipulating my brain into believing!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!

I am going to get excited about the holidays!


Do you think if I say this to myself enough times I might actually start to believe it?