A Hard Lesson Learned

What I have learned from the tragic death of our son...

Bad things really can happen to my family

Time will NOT heal this gaping hole in my heart

Crying everyday is part of my life and that's okay

Grave blankets come in "child size"

Headstones are covered under home owners insurance

That children really can die for no apparent reason

That the coroner and medical examiner aren't the same

To lean on my husband (I am so lucky to have him)

The bond between siblings is unlike any other ( I believe that Noah has a special connection to Evan that we don't)

That a band aid or a kiss won't make Noah's pain any better

I love my sister more than I ever knew

This isn't a dream and I'm not going to wake up

Sleep is overrated

Coffee is a good thing

Life is precious and can be taken away at any moment

We may never know how or why Evan was taken from us

My friends are such a blessing in my life

Grief has many side effects (Hair loss, weight changes, anxiety)

Finding true happiness is a daily struggle

Behind every smile is a fountain of tears

Sitting in the cemetery and pleading for God to send him back doesn't work

It's the things I don't expect that are the hardest

Don't sweat the small stuff

People can and will cause us more pain even after suffering the loss of our son

Sitting in the cemetery in the dark is not scary

I have been referred to as "that mom"

I am no longer scared of dying

That life is NOT fair (Child abusers get to keep their children)

Losing a child is a life sentence

To trust in God and know that He is always there for me!

A Special Gift From Far Away...

When I became pregnant with Chase I joined a "Due in January" message board on Cafemom. I have met so many wonderful women who have been such a wonderful support. Last month some of the girls decided to do a book exchange for our babies. We set a $5 price limit and mailed our books. I received the book I'll Love You Forever and another book of manners for Chase. I'll Love You Forever means so much to us as the poem is inscribed on the back of Evan''s headstone. When I found out that Evan was a boy I bought the book and wrote a special message inside. I used to sing the poem to him quite often. Evan and Noah both have a copy and I have been meaning to buy one for Chase, but it has proved to be an emotionally challenging task. I am so grateful that it was just sent in the mail! Now Chase has his very own copy...

A few days later I received the book, Mommy Please Don't Cry...There Are No Tears In Heaven, from the same girl. This is truly one of the sweetest books I have ever read! I am always looking for reassurance that Evan is okay and this book certainly brings some much needed affirmation. Sometimes it is the simplest things in life that bring a smile to my face. A complete stranger from far away decided to do something to make my day a little brighter. It means so much!


Thank you so much Nikki!

Here is a photo of Evan's first day of Kindergarten...

It is August and that means the start of school. I have come to dread this time of year. I think it hits me harder than his anniversary date and I am not really sure why. Our school district began school on the 17th. I just wanted to hide from the world all week. I didn't even want to see or hear a school bus! I had to stay off facebook to avoid everyone talking about the teachers their kiddos had. To be honest, I felt like a little kid left out of the game. Everyone got to send their kids off to school except me. I guess you can say that it was mere jealousy. I kept imagining what it would be like to take his picture on his first day of 3rd grade. That will never happen. Thank goodness my reinforcement team showed up for coffee and bagels. I am so blessed with such an amazing group of friends!

I truly treasure the Kindergarten year that Evan did have. He was blessed with an incredible teacher and I loved being a part of his class! It saddens me to know that Kindergarten is ALL he will have ever had. I wonder if there is school in Heaven?

Noah's birthday was on Thursday. I literally had to pull myself out of the dumps and pull it together for him. This was not easy and it took every ounce of my emotional strength to get through it. How unfair is this? Every major milestone and/or holiday is riddled with sadness as well has happiness and hope for the future. Noah deserves his birthday to be recognized with enthusiasm and excitement.

I decided to sink myself into a Superhero cake that Noah so desperately wanted. I am pretty proud of how it turned out!

Look A Like

I just wanted to share these pictures of our boys. Each photo was taken between 6 and 7 months of age. Out of the three we are SO amazed at how much Evan and Chase look alike! Chase is slightly bigger than Evan was, but I cannot believe just how much he looks like Evan.

Evan

Evan


Chase

Noah

And Noah.....well we usually say Fed Ex or UPS!

Well our trip to Hilton Head was almost two months ago. I had worked myself up to taking a family portrait and actually quite content with how it turned out. Now here is it is two months later and it is beautifully framed and still sitting on the floor. I keep looking at the last family photo we had taken and cannot bring myself to replace it. We all looked so happy and on top of the world. I look at the photo and wonder what it would be like to actually be that happy again. More importantly we had Evan. We were living life with our two beautiful little boys and couldn't have been any more grateful! We had light in our eyes and the glow on our faces showed it.

I am all to aware that when I take this family portrait down I will never again have a photo with all the members of our family. I had to settle with Evan's name in the sand. I had intended to put our new family photo on the wall along with two boys on one side and Evan's name on the other. That is just NOT the way it is suppose to be!

Things I NEVER Thought I Would Do..

In the life of a parent who has lost a child...


Today when Nate gets home we are heading to the cemetery to "clean" Evan's headstone and grave. I never thought the cemetery would be such a big part of our lives and quite frankly, it sucks.


I never imagined my life this way. Nathan and I have found ourselves doing things that we never thought would be a part of our life. Here are a few examples...



Pick out a casket for our little boy

Read our son's autopsy report

Receiving our child's death certificate in the mail

Having casual conversations with the coroner

Having the medical examiner release Evan's blood for further testing

Ordering a medical freezer to store his blood leftover from the autopsy

Interview with reporters

Benefit to raise money for a rare cause

Talk about my child's death and thinking what an sad lifetime movie it would be

Sitting with another grieving mother and understanding every incomprehensible thing she says

Decorating my child's headstone for each different holiday

Cleaning bird poop off of his stone

Having to go to therapy to cope with everyone else's problems that have beat us down even more

(Insert sigh...)


I think my emotional state was stronger during the month of May. Lately I cry at just about everything. All I can think about is how much I miss Evan and how after two years, I STILL cannot believe he is gone. School is going to start soon and I dread this time each year. I can't stand to walk through the stores and look at the school supplies and the cute little Spiderman backpacks. Of course he probably would have outgrown Spiderman by now.

He should be getting ready for 3rd grade. Instead we are living the 3rd year without him...

Evan's Birthday

Evan's birthday was almost two months ago and I still have not blogged about it. I am a little behind due to busyness and blogger website issues. Anyway, we decided to have another balloon release in the cemetery the day before his birthday. Noah got to release 8 red balloons representing Evan's 8th birthday. He let them go and then shouted "Here they come Evan!" It was so sweet to hear Noah say that yet so sad at the same time. After Noah let his balloons go everyone else let theirs go. Off to Heaven they went!

In the past few months two young girls in our area have passed away in accidents. One of them, a six-year old girl, is buried next to Evan. Both families were having benefits to raise money to cover funeral costs. We decided to ask everyone to bring a "superhero" toy to donate to the girls benefits. We were able to put together 12 large baskets. The Kindergarten teachers from the school Evan attended also donated a Spiderman bicycle! How awesome is that? We felt so honored that everyone wanted to be a part of Evan's birthday. It was so wonderful to make something good out come of his birthday. A BIG thanks to everyone who supported us and the girls' families! Nate and I are truly grateful!!!

The photo of Noah standing by Evan's grave just breaks my heart. It is something a mother should NEVER see. I want so badly for Noah to have Evan here by his side but the harsh reality is just not so. It is so sad to even have to see pictures of a birthday celebration in a cemetery, let alone ones own child. There are no party games, no little children running around acting crazy, no presents to be opened, and more importantly, Evan doesn't get to blow out the candles on his cake. This is when the anger gets to me! I don't think I will EVER get used to this.