Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Anxiety Overload!

Lately my emotions have been running on high! Having a new baby is such a wonderful experience, but lately the anxiety has become overwhelming. On Monday Chase began having little spasms that looked like a cross between and seizure and constipation. His little body would stiffen and his arms would jerk upward. This of course sent me into a panic frenzy! I started searching the Internet hoping to find something positive. I came across lots of horrible things which only added to my extreme stress level. I thought for sure that something terrible was going to happen to my baby. He had about 5 episodes total in the past few days. All I could do was sit and watch him all hours of the day. I literally could not eat or sleep.

I took him to see the pediatrician. The Dr. actually got to see what Chase was doing. He told me that he really didn't think it was anything neurological. He thinks it just might be acid reflux or bad gas. I am trying everything to convince myself that Chase is really okay. Can I accept the fact that my children may actually be okay?

This is what Nathan and I are left with! Evan passed away in his sleep and we are left worrying sick about our other children. And I mean sick! Every little thing that happens may be something horrible in my mind. It is almost as if I am looking for things to be wrong. I can't just accept that my children will be perfectly fine. The anxiety at this point is so incredibly overwhelming. I have spent two days functioning at a very low level. How do I learn to live and not worry about every little thing that happens with my children?

I have just been praying so hard that God will keep my children safe and healthy.

Note to self........STAY OFF THE INTERNET!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Guilt, Fear, & All Of The Above...

Bringing home a new baby has been so wonderful, yet fearful at the same time. Chase is doing well and Noah is very much in love with him. Noah is just so excited to have a little brother. In all the happiness we feel, the emptiness also consumes our thoughts. A big event just happened in our lives and Evan isn't here to share in all the joy. He would be so happy to have a new little brother. My heart just breaks to think that Chase will never know Evan and how special he was except through pictures, videos, and stories. We get to tell Chase all about his big brother who now lives in Heaven. We will one day have to take him to the cemetery and show him where his big brother is buried. He will never get the privilege of running around in superhero costumes pretending to save the world with Evan by his side. This makes me so sad. I thank God that Chase still has Noah.

The guilt has also set in. What would Evan think? I keep telling myself that he would be so happy for us having a new baby, but a part of me wonders if he thinks that we are moving on without him. This thought brings me to tears. I like to think that Chase was handpicked by Evan and sent to bring us the hope of a happy future.

With having a new baby comes an immense amount of fear. For any mom the fear of something happening to their baby lurks in their minds. In our world it is a harsh reality. My anxiety level is so high! I worry about every little thing, wondering if everything that Chase does is normal or not. As parents Nathan and I are left with the constant fear of something bad happening to our children. I watch both of them sleep desperately hoping they will be okay. I have to find a balance between just worrying and being neurotic. How do I learn to live normally and not worry that my children are going leave us? I just cannot bear the thought of losing another child.

I pray constantly thanking God that Chase is healthy and that he and Noah will stay healthy and safe. Six weeks before Chase was born we were told that there was a possibility he had Downs Syndrome. As soon as he arrived, the Neonatologist told us that there were no signs of Downs. Nathan and I prayed so hard for him to be okay. God has truly answered our prayers! We are so incredibly grateful!! I continue to pray every day that my children will grow into happy well-adjusted adults.
"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."