Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Memories

It's Christmas Eve and our house is filled with the magic of Christmas and the emptiness in our hearts all at the same time. This is actually the first BIG year that Noah is experiencing the magic of Christmas. All day he has been anticipating Santa's arrival. We made some special cookies just for Santa. It is so awesome to see Noah get in the spirit and Nate and I have been trying our hardest to make special memories with him. Throughout the day I kept thinking that I should have both of my boys bouncing off the walls from all the excitement. It just isn't right that Evan is not here with us and the pain just lingers within.

While Noah is loving every bit of Christmas, Evan is never far from his little mind. Last night Noah crawled into the front window and looked out. He said to me, "Mommy do you know what my wish is?" I asked him to elaborate. He looked up into the sky and said, "Mommy, my wish is for Evan to come down from Heaven." He then asked me, "Do you think Santa Clause can bring him for me?" My heart just melted. It is times like these when I feel so bad for Noah not having his big brother by his side. There will forever be a void in our hearts. This is when I remind myself that Evan is spending Christmas in Heaven and there is no better place!

Have a wonderful Christmas and remember to focus on Jesus Christ for he is the true meaning of Christmas. Give your little ones lots of hugs and kisses! Children are the greatest gift and be thankful for each moment you have with them!

Our first Christmas with Evan!

Our last Christmas with Evan...

We love you sweetheart!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Feeling Beat Down

I am beginning to feel completely and totally beat down. The past 18 months have been such a challenge and it seems like everything goes wrong. I am currently 35 weeks pregnant. Yesterday Nate and I went for an ultrasound to measure the baby. The doctor came in and told us that his little arms and legs were measuring smaller. What does this mean? My doctor said that it means that there is a slight possibility that our baby has Down Syndrome. The tech also saw a "fuzzy" spot on the baby's spine. My doctor then sent us to a perinatologist for another ultrasound and a better view of the baby. They viewed the spine and said that it was normal. HUGE blessing! They then confirmed the first measurements of the arms and legs, but also stated that this was the only marker they saw. There were no other indicators of Downs. The chance are very slim, but nonetheless there is still a chance. We had the choice to have an amnio done, but opted out of it due to the risk of early delivery and having a premature baby.

Of course this sent us into a whirlwind of emotions....again. It is starting to seem that we have this dark cloud hanging over us. I am trying so hard to stay positive and think the best! The genetic counselor we met with stated the there is also a good chance he just may be short. The fact that everyone in my family and Nate's family is very short gives me a great deal of hope.

I AM DESPARATLEY ASKING FOR PRAYERS!!! Please just pray that our baby is a normal, healthy baby and that God gives us the strength to handle whatever comes our way!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Happy Holidays? Not Really...

Well, this post is probably going to be somewhat depressing to read due to my own self-pity! I have to admit that as much as I am trying to be positive about the holidays, they are becoming more and more difficult by the day. Nathan and I have been working on preparing for the holidays for quite some time. This past weekend was pure torture as we tried to put up Christmas decorations around the house. Since I am eight months pregnant, I thought I would get away with putting up a little tree and just a few decorations. Noah had bigger plans! He wanted a big Christmas tree and a house full of decor! So Nate and I thought it was only appropriate to indulge his desires. We decided to go all out, or at least on the inside of the house.

Saturday was the day we decided to do this. We discovered that we no longer had a big Christmas tree. We had forgotten that it had to be thrown away two years ago due to bad lights. So off we went to find a tree. Stores were busy, people were pushy, and this very pregnant mommy was trying to waddle around in all of it! We finally found a tree but they were sold out of lights. That was another adventure! After three hours and about 10 temper tantrums and many meltdowns later, we finally came home with a tree and lights! When I say temper tantrums and meltdowns, I must mention that Noah was great through all of this, so you can imagine who was having a hard time. Yes, me! I managed to cry over just about everything!

How are we going to have Christmas without Evan? This is just not fair! Last year we took off to Mexico, so we dodged Christmas and most of the festivities. This year is proving to be much harder. Pulling all of Evan's little Christmas things out of containers was absolute torture. His little ornaments are hanging on the tree and his little stocking is hanging on the mantle. Looking around my house one would think he is still here. It is just so sad. By Sunday, all I could do was sit in Evan's room and cry! I just want the holidays to be over.

The worst part of the weekend was having to decorate his little headstone for Christmas. While I wanted to make it look great, this is something that parent should never have to do. I also called the cemetery to order a grave blanket. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me who it was for. When I told her she replied, "So you need a child size?" This was another huge reality check. I actually had to order my child a grave blanket! This just sent me into a frenzy of tears! I don't get to buy all the fun toys that Evan would have wanted. I don't get to hear his special little Christmas wishes and watch the magic of Christmas unfold through his eyes. Instead I get to sit in my own sorrow and wonder what would have been. This seems to be my life story these days!

I know that I have to pull myself out of this awful state of sadness that I am in, at least for Noah's sake. I am probably doomed with pregnancy hormones vs. grief and loss. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. Is it always going to be this difficult?

By Sunday evening, I just sat a prayed for God to keep us strong...
"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."