Happy Holidays? Not Really...

Well, this post is probably going to be somewhat depressing to read due to my own self-pity! I have to admit that as much as I am trying to be positive about the holidays, they are becoming more and more difficult by the day. Nathan and I have been working on preparing for the holidays for quite some time. This past weekend was pure torture as we tried to put up Christmas decorations around the house. Since I am eight months pregnant, I thought I would get away with putting up a little tree and just a few decorations. Noah had bigger plans! He wanted a big Christmas tree and a house full of decor! So Nate and I thought it was only appropriate to indulge his desires. We decided to go all out, or at least on the inside of the house.

Saturday was the day we decided to do this. We discovered that we no longer had a big Christmas tree. We had forgotten that it had to be thrown away two years ago due to bad lights. So off we went to find a tree. Stores were busy, people were pushy, and this very pregnant mommy was trying to waddle around in all of it! We finally found a tree but they were sold out of lights. That was another adventure! After three hours and about 10 temper tantrums and many meltdowns later, we finally came home with a tree and lights! When I say temper tantrums and meltdowns, I must mention that Noah was great through all of this, so you can imagine who was having a hard time. Yes, me! I managed to cry over just about everything!

How are we going to have Christmas without Evan? This is just not fair! Last year we took off to Mexico, so we dodged Christmas and most of the festivities. This year is proving to be much harder. Pulling all of Evan's little Christmas things out of containers was absolute torture. His little ornaments are hanging on the tree and his little stocking is hanging on the mantle. Looking around my house one would think he is still here. It is just so sad. By Sunday, all I could do was sit in Evan's room and cry! I just want the holidays to be over.

The worst part of the weekend was having to decorate his little headstone for Christmas. While I wanted to make it look great, this is something that parent should never have to do. I also called the cemetery to order a grave blanket. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me who it was for. When I told her she replied, "So you need a child size?" This was another huge reality check. I actually had to order my child a grave blanket! This just sent me into a frenzy of tears! I don't get to buy all the fun toys that Evan would have wanted. I don't get to hear his special little Christmas wishes and watch the magic of Christmas unfold through his eyes. Instead I get to sit in my own sorrow and wonder what would have been. This seems to be my life story these days!


I know that I have to pull myself out of this awful state of sadness that I am in, at least for Noah's sake. I am probably doomed with pregnancy hormones vs. grief and loss. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. Is it always going to be this difficult?

By Sunday evening, I just sat a prayed for God to keep us strong...