Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Just Another Hard Day

We managed to survive Nate's grandfathers funeral. His passing was not at all the hard part. After all, that is suppose to be death's calling, ninety years old and ready to go! Being in the funeral home just brought back all those terrible feelings, the smells, the looks, the overwhelming quietness. It was just too much. I just hid in the hospitality room for the most part. It is also amazing how the mind works. I started remembering things that I hadn't until now.

These few days after have proven to be very difficult. As everyone around me is getting ready for Christmas, I am just trying to survive. I so desperately want to just crawl in a hole and stay there, but I know there are certain things I have to do for Noah. He deserves so much more than we can give him right now. Last night I was telling Nate that I need to get name tags for presents. He asked me why? It then occurred to me that we don't need name tags on the presents when all of them are for Noah. I so badly want to buy Evan something just to put under the tree. Sure, I can buy something, but he will never open it, this year or ever. This is just another piece of our harsh reality. Not to mention going into a store is pure torture. People are either happy and cheerful, or greedy. Both are hard to see and to deal with.

Today is just one of those days where I just cry all day. I keep hoping things will get better, but that is not happening. If I could just make it through the next few weeks, I will be okay. Everyone tells us that the firsts are the hardest. This is the first Christmas without Evan. I can't imagine ever "celebrating" anything without him.

Last week we attended our first SUDC meeting.(Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) This was truly a surreal expeience. The entire time I kept thinking I would much rather be sitting in an AA support group, or any other group for that matter. There are five families in the group. We sat around and listened to each of their stories. It was so scary how similar our stories are. All of these children died in their sleep and had mild viruses. The only difference was that Evan was older. The other little ones were 2 and 3 years of age. This meeting really didn't give Nate and I much hope for an answer, as these parents didn't ever get any more answers. We have been told that we have a better chance with Evan being older at his time of death. All I can do is just keep praying.

One of the hardest parts in this journey is the total loss of control. I feel like I have no control over anything and my world continues to spin in the wrong direction. My child died and I have to somehow learn to live with it, however and whenever that may be. Right now that idea to too far fetched. I would give anything in the world just to have things back the way they were. I miss the stability that I once had.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Nate's Grandfather Passed

Today was the day Nate's family has been waiting for. Nate's grandfather has been very sick and finally passed away. He was 91 years old. Nate and I arrived at the hospital with everyone in the family by his side. We walked in the room not expecting what would happen next. We were there only moments before he died. This brought back EVERY "feeling" that I felt the morning I found Evan. The panic had set in. I couldn't even believe that I was watching someone die. I kept thinking in my mind that I have already been through the worst death imaginable, so I could surely handle this, right? I was terribly wrong. I wasn't prepared for the emotions that came with it. It was almost as if I was re-living that awful day.

The entire time I kept thinking that he will be the first to see Evan. I should be the one to see Evan! He should be here with us! As the holidays move forward, the thought of spending Christmas without my little boy is so hard to imagine. I should be able to buy him all of the little toys he so dearly desired. I should be picking out an outfit for his Christmas program at school. Instead, I get to buy flowers for his grave. Oh, and Evan will be getting a headstone for Christmas. This just shouldn't be happening! I keep hoping that each day will get better, but it is quite the opposite. Sometimes I stop and think, did this really happen to us? How could this have happened? Looking at pictures of Evan just makes me mad because we cannot make new memories with him. I am trying to keep my faith, but that proves harder and harder. I have been in the "angry" stage for quite a while. Sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can, my child died and I hate this new life!!!

Nathan went to be with his family this evening. I know I should be the "supportive" wife, but I just need to be with Noah. I am still trying to figure out how I am going to manage the strength to make it through another funeral.

Monday, December 8, 2008

New Blog

People keep mentioning to me that I should be journaling my thoughts and feelings. This would be easy to do if I didn't have a thousand emotions run through my head daily. Sorting these feelings can prove to be a time-consuming task. Until now, I don't think my mind has been capable of writing anything anyway.

61/2 months have passed since our precious little boy passed away. On the Morning of May 31, 2008, I went to wake him and found him already with the angels. There was nothing anyone could do to save him. At that moment, our lives were shattered, never to return to " normal". We are still left with little answers as to the cause of his death. Evan is classified as SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood). I didn't even know this existed. Yes, this exists and it happened to our little boy. We had been preparing to go to Disney World the 2nd week in June, now all of a sudden, we were planning a funeral for our child. How fair is that?

Our lives quickly changed from wonderful, to unimaginable in just a moment. We found ourselves sitting a Irwin Funeral Home picking out Evan's casket. This is something that no parent should ever have to do.
"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."