Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Nate's Grandfather Passed

Today was the day Nate's family has been waiting for. Nate's grandfather has been very sick and finally passed away. He was 91 years old. Nate and I arrived at the hospital with everyone in the family by his side. We walked in the room not expecting what would happen next. We were there only moments before he died. This brought back EVERY "feeling" that I felt the morning I found Evan. The panic had set in. I couldn't even believe that I was watching someone die. I kept thinking in my mind that I have already been through the worst death imaginable, so I could surely handle this, right? I was terribly wrong. I wasn't prepared for the emotions that came with it. It was almost as if I was re-living that awful day.

The entire time I kept thinking that he will be the first to see Evan. I should be the one to see Evan! He should be here with us! As the holidays move forward, the thought of spending Christmas without my little boy is so hard to imagine. I should be able to buy him all of the little toys he so dearly desired. I should be picking out an outfit for his Christmas program at school. Instead, I get to buy flowers for his grave. Oh, and Evan will be getting a headstone for Christmas. This just shouldn't be happening! I keep hoping that each day will get better, but it is quite the opposite. Sometimes I stop and think, did this really happen to us? How could this have happened? Looking at pictures of Evan just makes me mad because we cannot make new memories with him. I am trying to keep my faith, but that proves harder and harder. I have been in the "angry" stage for quite a while. Sometimes I just want to scream as loud as I can, my child died and I hate this new life!!!

Nathan went to be with his family this evening. I know I should be the "supportive" wife, but I just need to be with Noah. I am still trying to figure out how I am going to manage the strength to make it through another funeral.

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"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."