Thursday, July 22, 2010

Things I NEVER Thought I Would Do..

In the life of a parent who has lost a child...

Today when Nate gets home we are heading to the cemetery to "clean" Evan's headstone and grave. I never thought the cemetery would be such a big part of our lives and quite frankly, it sucks.

I never imagined my life this way. Nathan and I have found ourselves doing things that we never thought would be a part of our life. Here are a few examples...

Pick out a casket for our little boy

Read our son's autopsy report

Receiving our child's death certificate in the mail

Having casual conversations with the coroner

Having the medical examiner release Evan's blood for further testing

Ordering a medical freezer to store his blood leftover from the autopsy

Interview with reporters

Benefit to raise money for a rare cause

Talk about my child's death and thinking what an sad lifetime movie it would be

Sitting with another grieving mother and understanding every incomprehensible thing she says

Decorating my child's headstone for each different holiday

Cleaning bird poop off of his stone

Having to go to therapy to cope with everyone else's problems that have beat us down even more

(Insert sigh...)

I think my emotional state was stronger during the month of May. Lately I cry at just about everything. All I can think about is how much I miss Evan and how after two years, I STILL cannot believe he is gone. School is going to start soon and I dread this time each year. I can't stand to walk through the stores and look at the school supplies and the cute little Spiderman backpacks. Of course he probably would have outgrown Spiderman by now.

He should be getting ready for 3rd grade. Instead we are living the 3rd year without him...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Evan's Birthday

Evan's birthday was almost two months ago and I still have not blogged about it. I am a little behind due to busyness and blogger website issues. Anyway, we decided to have another balloon release in the cemetery the day before his birthday. Noah got to release 8 red balloons representing Evan's 8th birthday. He let them go and then shouted "Here they come Evan!" It was so sweet to hear Noah say that yet so sad at the same time. After Noah let his balloons go everyone else let theirs go. Off to Heaven they went!

In the past few months two young girls in our area have passed away in accidents. One of them, a six-year old girl, is buried next to Evan. Both families were having benefits to raise money to cover funeral costs. We decided to ask everyone to bring a "superhero" toy to donate to the girls benefits. We were able to put together 12 large baskets. The Kindergarten teachers from the school Evan attended also donated a Spiderman bicycle! How awesome is that? We felt so honored that everyone wanted to be a part of Evan's birthday. It was so wonderful to make something good out come of his birthday. A BIG thanks to everyone who supported us and the girls' families! Nate and I are truly grateful!!!

The photo of Noah standing by Evan's grave just breaks my heart. It is something a mother should NEVER see. I want so badly for Noah to have Evan here by his side but the harsh reality is just not so. It is so sad to even have to see pictures of a birthday celebration in a cemetery, let alone ones own child. There are no party games, no little children running around acting crazy, no presents to be opened, and more importantly, Evan doesn't get to blow out the candles on his cake. This is when the anger gets to me! I don't think I will EVER get used to this.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Blog Under Construction

Well, the site that I use to create my blog layout is currently experiencing troubles and hopes to have things figured out soon. Therefore my blog is going to be in renovating mode. Please be patient until everything gets in order. I am also thinking for re-naming my blog and focusing on our Journey Through Grief as well as our everyday life. What do ya think? Any suggestions???
"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."