Thursday, July 22, 2010

Things I NEVER Thought I Would Do..

In the life of a parent who has lost a child...

Today when Nate gets home we are heading to the cemetery to "clean" Evan's headstone and grave. I never thought the cemetery would be such a big part of our lives and quite frankly, it sucks.

I never imagined my life this way. Nathan and I have found ourselves doing things that we never thought would be a part of our life. Here are a few examples...

Pick out a casket for our little boy

Read our son's autopsy report

Receiving our child's death certificate in the mail

Having casual conversations with the coroner

Having the medical examiner release Evan's blood for further testing

Ordering a medical freezer to store his blood leftover from the autopsy

Interview with reporters

Benefit to raise money for a rare cause

Talk about my child's death and thinking what an sad lifetime movie it would be

Sitting with another grieving mother and understanding every incomprehensible thing she says

Decorating my child's headstone for each different holiday

Cleaning bird poop off of his stone

Having to go to therapy to cope with everyone else's problems that have beat us down even more

(Insert sigh...)

I think my emotional state was stronger during the month of May. Lately I cry at just about everything. All I can think about is how much I miss Evan and how after two years, I STILL cannot believe he is gone. School is going to start soon and I dread this time each year. I can't stand to walk through the stores and look at the school supplies and the cute little Spiderman backpacks. Of course he probably would have outgrown Spiderman by now.

He should be getting ready for 3rd grade. Instead we are living the 3rd year without him...


Kairos said...

It sucks. Start of the school year is particularly hard for me as well.

We finally went and looked at tombstones for Drew yesterday. I never thought I'd have to do something like this.

Alexandra of Virginia said...

I cried when I read this post. It's bad enough that my family had to go through this, but to know that other families do as well, and suffer some of the same indignities is overwhelming.
I still don't understand on a visceral level,how children can die, and doctors can be unsure of how such a thing happened. Our lives must all hang by a tiny cotton thread.

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."