Happy Holidays? Not Really...

Well, this post is probably going to be somewhat depressing to read due to my own self-pity! I have to admit that as much as I am trying to be positive about the holidays, they are becoming more and more difficult by the day. Nathan and I have been working on preparing for the holidays for quite some time. This past weekend was pure torture as we tried to put up Christmas decorations around the house. Since I am eight months pregnant, I thought I would get away with putting up a little tree and just a few decorations. Noah had bigger plans! He wanted a big Christmas tree and a house full of decor! So Nate and I thought it was only appropriate to indulge his desires. We decided to go all out, or at least on the inside of the house.

Saturday was the day we decided to do this. We discovered that we no longer had a big Christmas tree. We had forgotten that it had to be thrown away two years ago due to bad lights. So off we went to find a tree. Stores were busy, people were pushy, and this very pregnant mommy was trying to waddle around in all of it! We finally found a tree but they were sold out of lights. That was another adventure! After three hours and about 10 temper tantrums and many meltdowns later, we finally came home with a tree and lights! When I say temper tantrums and meltdowns, I must mention that Noah was great through all of this, so you can imagine who was having a hard time. Yes, me! I managed to cry over just about everything!

How are we going to have Christmas without Evan? This is just not fair! Last year we took off to Mexico, so we dodged Christmas and most of the festivities. This year is proving to be much harder. Pulling all of Evan's little Christmas things out of containers was absolute torture. His little ornaments are hanging on the tree and his little stocking is hanging on the mantle. Looking around my house one would think he is still here. It is just so sad. By Sunday, all I could do was sit in Evan's room and cry! I just want the holidays to be over.

The worst part of the weekend was having to decorate his little headstone for Christmas. While I wanted to make it look great, this is something that parent should never have to do. I also called the cemetery to order a grave blanket. The lady on the other end of the phone asked me who it was for. When I told her she replied, "So you need a child size?" This was another huge reality check. I actually had to order my child a grave blanket! This just sent me into a frenzy of tears! I don't get to buy all the fun toys that Evan would have wanted. I don't get to hear his special little Christmas wishes and watch the magic of Christmas unfold through his eyes. Instead I get to sit in my own sorrow and wonder what would have been. This seems to be my life story these days!


I know that I have to pull myself out of this awful state of sadness that I am in, at least for Noah's sake. I am probably doomed with pregnancy hormones vs. grief and loss. I keep telling myself that it has to get better. Is it always going to be this difficult?

By Sunday evening, I just sat a prayed for God to keep us strong...

The Struggle To Understand

With losing a child, some people have certain expectations as to how we should act or certain decisions we should or shouldn't make. Evan's death left us devastated and hurt not knowing what each day would bring. Each day brings a different struggle as well as a new challenge. I never know what the next day will be like or how I will feel.

It has been 17 1/2 months since Evan left us. People assume that the more time that goes by or once you hit the year mark, things will get better. That is is merely an assumption. I get so tired of people saying that we should "learn" to do certain things or that we are "going to have to move on." No one has the right to say anything to us unless they have walked in our shoes for a day.

Each day I live with the fact that I walked into Evan's room and found him dead in his bed. For the first eight months, I relived this moment every hour of every day, almost as if I could change it in my mind. I would have panic attacks 10-15 times a day. I later found out this was considered PTSD. I live with the fact that Evan had to be taken away for an autopsy. Nathan and I had to sit in a funeral home and pick out a casket for our precious 6-year old little boy. The word casket should never be used in the same sentence as a child's name. We had to stand next to our child in a casket for 8 hours while everyone paid their respects. We had to walk behind six men carrying our little boy in his little white casket to be taken away forever. I never thought a cemetery would become such a big part of our life. I never thought I would have to pick out a headstone for my little boy.

Our search for answers has led us to make decisions we never even imagined. We had to send Evan's blood and tissue all over the country in hopes of someone helping us. Then after many long months and little answers, I had to open a package containing the last of Evan's blood and store it in a freezer in our basement.

I get to spend the rest of my life without Evan. I also get to watch all the other kids close to his age grow up and do the things that Evan should be doing right along with them. Each morning I wake up and this nightmare has not gone away. Every picture I see of Evan reminds me of what we don't have and how unfair this is. I cry every day! This is my own self-pity. The thoughts that I have on a daily basis are enough to make anyone crazy. I was driving home the other night in the cold rain. I passed the cemetery where Evan is buried and all I could think was there was my precious little boy in the dark, cold, rain, all by himself. I don't like this new life we are living!

Through all of this, Nathan and I have learned what it means to show respect and understanding towards each other. I may not always understand why he does certain things and he may not always understand what I do, but we always respect the other's decisions. People have different ways of dealing with certain situations. Some people seem to have their own opinions as to how we should do certain things.

I am incredibly saddened by how selfish some people can truly be because we don't do what they want us to. Until you have gone through what we have and walked a day in our shoes, I don't think anyone has the right to judge us or our decisions!

A Reason To Shop At Kohls!

Okay, so if you ever need a reason to shop at Kohls, I will give you a good one. Back in August or maybe even September, one of the girls on "Team Evan" went into the Edwardsville Kohls soliciting a donation for the benefit. They were very receptive to helping! The manager stated that she had to contact the cooperate office to see what their store could do. Kohls ended up donating $500 to SUDC in honor of Evan! That is just awesome!! I expected a small donation of maybe $50 or so, but $500 just made our day! I am so excited! That brings our grand total up to $13, 500 raised and sent to SUDC on behalf of Evan! In addition to their donation, Kohls offered to send a few employees to help at the benefit. We graciously told them that we had enough people to help. Kohls then sent a group of employees to play trivia. So, when your doing your holiday shopping, remember to shop at Kohls. When they say "Kohls Care For Kids", they really mean that!!!

Halloween

Today has certainly been a challenging day as well as trick or treating last night. It is just another example of continuing to live without Evan and all the life experiences we will miss with him. Evan absolutely loved Halloween. He loved to dress up! I used to say that everyday was Halloween in our house because the boys always played dress up, mostly in Superhero costumes.

Times like these are emotionally draining. Last night, the tears came when I was getting Noah ready to go trick or treating. I should have been getting two little boys ready to go. I kept wondering what costume Evan would have chosen. What Superhero would he be into now? His favorite costumes were his Spiderman costumes! He loved the red and the black. As much as I didn't want to let it go, we tucked his red one in his little casket and buried it with him. We thought he needed it more than we did. I will never again get to see Evan dressed up and ready for Halloween.

While these times can be filled with emptiness and pain, Nate and I are just so grateful to still have Noah to do these things with! While Evan is no longer here on earth with us, we still owe it to Noah to give him everything we have and to make his experiences wonderful. However, it breaks my heart for Noah not to have Evan by his side. I live with this thought everyday.

Halloween used to be such a great holiday for our family. We would begin thinking about costumes in August! The month of October was filled with lots of fun activities and trips to the "BOO at the Zoo" or Eckerts Fall Festival. Now, some of the things associated with Halloween such skeletons or headstones bring nothing but pain. This is the first of the big holidays we have to get through this year.

Here are some Halloween pictures of the previous years. In Evan's case, these pictures are all I have to hold on to...

Evan's 1st Halloween

This Halloween was my favorite! Evan wanted to be a pirate and was so insistent upon Noah being a parrot! He told me that "a pirate has to have a parrot!" So I spent hours cutting, stitching, and gluing felt into wings. Evan always came up with the cute ideas!

This was our last Halloween with Evan...

Final Total!!

We officially have a final total for A Night For Evan! After all the hard work everyone put in to making this event happen, we are able to send $13,000.00 in honor of Evan to SUDC! (Sudden Unexplained Death In Childhood) This money will help parents like us who have little or no answers as to the cause of their child's death. The SUDC Program has helped us in so many ways, and for that, we are truly grateful. We are so happy to do something that Evan would be proud of! Thanks to everyone who made this possible!!! We could not have made this happen without all of the support!

A Night For Evan!

All I can say is WOW! Our trivia night to raise money for SUDC (Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood) was extremely successful! Nathan and I were completely taken by the amount of support we had and how many people came to honor Evan. We had around 400 people, not counting the workers from "Team Evan". For the past three months, "Team Evan", which consisted of about 20 of our closest friends, worked their tales off to make this event happen. We solicited over 300 businesses and spent countless hours working on letters, flyer's, baskets, food, and various other arrangements. We could not be more grateful! God has certainly blessed us with an amazing amount of support in our time of need.

Our Trivia Night was a night that revolved around Evan. He loved Superheros so we thought that would be a great theme! Most people came dressed in some type of Superhero attire. Many even wore costumes! We also had a contest for the table with the neatest table decorations! The two winning tables consisted of a superhero table with everyone dressed in costumes and a handmade Spiderman decoration. Evan would have been so proud!

We also had about 75 items up for auction, all of which were donated from surrounding businesses. Then we had about 20 items for table raffle and about 40 items for silent raffle. We had items ranging from $10 to $900. During the big intermission, we had a live auction consisting of St. Louis Cardinals memorabilia. It was amazing! A BIG THANKS to all who donated to our event! We are so grateful!

People keep asking us what how much money we raised. We are waiting until Friday to announce the big total! Here are a few pictures from "A Night For Evan."

Final Sentence...Life Without Evan

Here is a picture of Noah on the beach...



It has been 151/2 months since we lost Evan. I think about him every hour of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't wonder what he would be doing right now. Each school bus brings tears, seeing other little ones his same age is grueling, yet we have the need to live vicariously through each one. While it is getting easier to be around children his same age, the sadness lingers constantly. I see pictures of kids and their accomplishments and my heart just breaks again and again. Evan should be doing those things also. In an attempt to dodge traffic one day, we took a detour and ended up passing the T-ball field where Evan played ball. Nate and I saw all the little boys in their little ball uniforms running on the field. We both lost it! Is it always going to be this way! I find myself avoiding certain situations because of fear.

I am beginning to understand that losing a child is a life sentence. LIFE WITHOUT EVAN! This means every holiday we don't get to by him presents or a new church outfit, every birthday we don't get to watch him blow out his candles, every wedding or graduation we get to wonder what would Evan be doing or would have done. All of these occasions in which people are generally happy and celebrating means we get to sit in a cemetery and cry! On the first day of school I sat and cried because I didn't get to put Evan on the bus and send him off to 2nd grade. I can't imagine this ever getting better. Our whole lives from now on will be "what would have been". All I can do is sit and reflect on memories and pictures from past holidays and events.

Sometimes waking in up in the morning is torture because I truly know that this is not a dream and I am not going to wake up. This won't go away. While in the middle of one of my meltdowns, I asked Nate, will this ever go away? Will we ever be truly happy again? I think back to our old life and how wonderful it was. We were living life to its fullest and enjoying each day with our wonderful boys. We had everything that most people only dream of. Now I walk past our family photo in our living room and see the smiles on our faces wishing that was us today. I see the happiness we once had and wonder if it is possible to ever feel that way again. Don't get me wrong, we still count our blessings every day and we are so thankful to have Noah.

We just recently took a vacation to Gulf Shores. We traveled with friends so Noah would have other kids to play with. The first day was very hard with the realization that all the kids were there except Evan. He should have been there with us! I kept thinking that we had to take a "family" vacation without one of our children. How can that be? We got to go swim in the ocean and play on the beach, but Evan didn't! How incredibly unfair!! This is when I remind myself that Evan is experiencing all the wonderful glories of Heaven and how awesome that is. I sat on the balcony and prayed for God to help us have a good time. I also asked God to send me a sign that he is with us. Two days later we had a small rain storm. After the rain we saw a beautiful rainbow over the ocean. It was so amazing! God was truly there with us and reassuring us that Evan is okay! Everywhere we go we get a rainbow! This is when I usually kick myself in the rear and remind myself to continue to be faithful!