Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On The Edge

This picture deeply touches my heart. It has been so long since I have held my sweet Evan in my arms. My emotional state has taken a drastic turn from being somewhat strong to plunging off the cliff into a sea of tears. I knew this would happen the closer we got to Evan's birthday and the anniverary of his death. Earlier today I just sat in the cemetery and cried. The damn has officially broken. I just wanted to be close to him. I also let out some choice words about losing my precious little boy. It has been almost three years and my heart hurts more and more each day. I am truly just sitting in my own self pity. Nate is so strong and seems to have peace about Evan being in Heaven. I know that he is in Heaven but he should be here in MY arms. It is just not fair!

I want to hold him and touch his soft little skin. I want to wipe away his tears when he gets hurt. I want to ease his fears when he is scared. I want to listen to him complain about doing his homework. I want to see the smile on his face and light in his eyes when he achieves his goals. I want to see him drive his first car or walk across the stage with a diploma in his hand. I want to see the puppy dog look in his eyes when he falls in love. I want to see him teach his children all about Jesus. I can only dream.

I love you sweetheart...

Note to self....Stock up on tissues! There is a reason why toilet paper is for the "other" end.


Delenn said...

Sometimes it just is too much and we must let out the big cry. [[Hugs]]

Anonymous said...

I am thinking of you more now than ever. May 31st is my Birthday. Since I found your blog, I spend a few minutes saying a prayer for you and your family as I open my eyes on the 31st. I can't begin to imagine the pain that the day brings you, and it saddens me.
I love the photo of you and Evan. It is breathtaking as it tells a wonderful story. To me, it tells the story of a Mommy and a little boy who love each other more than words could ever say. It shows the strong and unbreakable bond that they will share for all eternity. It shows LOVE!!
I hope that you take care of yourself this month, and go easy on yourself.
My final and MOST important thought: I remember Evan!!
P.S. I typed this message 3 times and kept on "losing" it before I could publish it, so I hope it doesn't show up 3 times in the comments section!!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you today and remembering Evan on the anniversary of his death.

May knowing that others care and understand bring a measure of comfort to your hurting hearts.

You do not walk alone... You have compassionate friends.

Jean Guettler Luchtefeld
Daven's Mom
on behalf of
The Compassionate Friends of Madison County, IL
email: luckyjean@sbcglobal.net
national website: www.compassionatefriends.org

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."