The Struggle To Understand

With losing a child, some people have certain expectations as to how we should act or certain decisions we should or shouldn't make. Evan's death left us devastated and hurt not knowing what each day would bring. Each day brings a different struggle as well as a new challenge. I never know what the next day will be like or how I will feel.

It has been 17 1/2 months since Evan left us. People assume that the more time that goes by or once you hit the year mark, things will get better. That is is merely an assumption. I get so tired of people saying that we should "learn" to do certain things or that we are "going to have to move on." No one has the right to say anything to us unless they have walked in our shoes for a day.

Each day I live with the fact that I walked into Evan's room and found him dead in his bed. For the first eight months, I relived this moment every hour of every day, almost as if I could change it in my mind. I would have panic attacks 10-15 times a day. I later found out this was considered PTSD. I live with the fact that Evan had to be taken away for an autopsy. Nathan and I had to sit in a funeral home and pick out a casket for our precious 6-year old little boy. The word casket should never be used in the same sentence as a child's name. We had to stand next to our child in a casket for 8 hours while everyone paid their respects. We had to walk behind six men carrying our little boy in his little white casket to be taken away forever. I never thought a cemetery would become such a big part of our life. I never thought I would have to pick out a headstone for my little boy.

Our search for answers has led us to make decisions we never even imagined. We had to send Evan's blood and tissue all over the country in hopes of someone helping us. Then after many long months and little answers, I had to open a package containing the last of Evan's blood and store it in a freezer in our basement.

I get to spend the rest of my life without Evan. I also get to watch all the other kids close to his age grow up and do the things that Evan should be doing right along with them. Each morning I wake up and this nightmare has not gone away. Every picture I see of Evan reminds me of what we don't have and how unfair this is. I cry every day! This is my own self-pity. The thoughts that I have on a daily basis are enough to make anyone crazy. I was driving home the other night in the cold rain. I passed the cemetery where Evan is buried and all I could think was there was my precious little boy in the dark, cold, rain, all by himself. I don't like this new life we are living!

Through all of this, Nathan and I have learned what it means to show respect and understanding towards each other. I may not always understand why he does certain things and he may not always understand what I do, but we always respect the other's decisions. People have different ways of dealing with certain situations. Some people seem to have their own opinions as to how we should do certain things.

I am incredibly saddened by how selfish some people can truly be because we don't do what they want us to. Until you have gone through what we have and walked a day in our shoes, I don't think anyone has the right to judge us or our decisions!