Happiness

I never really read my own blog. I live this nightmare everyday so reading it only adds to my despair. However, lately I have been scrolling through the endless paragraphs of total sadness. I have relived the tragedy that struck my perfect little family. When I say perfect I mean that in every sense of the word, or at least as perfect as the all American family can get. Nathan and I have always tried to do what was right. We met at 15, got married at 21, graduated with our college degrees, had two beautiful boys, and traveled to beautiful places. We literally had the world in our hands. Most of all we had God. When we had Evan we made a promise to raise him to love God as well. While we have always tried to be extremely grateful for our lives, our priorities have certainly changed. So have our worries.

The other day someone asked me if I was still a happy person after losing Evan. That can certainly be a loaded question in our world, especially when we have endured so much pain and sadness. How does one find happiness in the midst of such a devastating tragedy? What defines happiness anyway? Many people would say money or many would say love. Nathan and I are slowly learning to find true happiness again. The birth of baby Chase has brought back so much hope for us. We find ourselves smiling and laughing a whole lot more. But in every smile there is a sad feeling of loss. That will never go away.

Overall I would say that I am a happy person. God has been the biggest support through everything. Nathan and I live each day feeling so blessed for all we have. I feel so blessed that I have such a wonderful husband who is always there for me. We have been given the privilege of having such wonderful children. I feel so honored that God chose us to be parents of our boys. God gave us six wonderful years with Evan. Most of all, I personally feel so blessed to have such a loving God watching over me. A good friend recently told me something that is so meaningful. We are not put on this earth be happy. We are not promised a life of luxury, but God does promise to stand by us in times of pain. Nathan and I are living proof of that. We are here to serve and honor God and with him, anyone can find happiness.

Baby Steps Forward...

I am blaming my lack of blogging on having a new baby. My days are certainly kept busy with the wonderful tasks of motherhood. I am loving every bit of it including the poopy diapers. I am just so thankful!

Anyway, my anxiety level has remained low and I am thanking God every step of the way. I have tried not to worry about everything that I think may go wrong and it has taken a lot of effort on my part.

This past week Nathan and I accomplished something big! We managed to get Noah to sleep in his own room again. For most people this would not mean much, but for parents who sit and watch their children sleep for fear of them dying, this is a huge step forward. I have done a lot of praying and I am coming to terms with the fact that I ultimately have little or no control over what happens. I can do my best to protect my children, but in the end God is in control. And, I must say that the first night I only made one trip down the hallway into Noah's room! I was so proud of myself! Since then some nights have been better than others, but nonetheless, it is a start. Noah was happy to be sleeping in his own room again. I realized just how much we all needed this to happen.

Chase sleeps with an Angelcare monitor under his crib mattress. It detects his level of breathing and an alarm will sound if there is no movement detected. This has given me a great deal of security at night. We have the option to use one for Noah, but we chose not to because he would have to learn to turn it off every time he gets out of bed. This would be a harsh reminder that his big brother died in his sleep. I don't want to put that fear in him. This is where I have to trust.