Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Through The Eyes Of A Child

Since Evan passed away Noah has never really questioned exactly how he died. We have talked about Evan's death and that he is in Heaven, but the circumstances surrounding his death have never quite sunk in his little mind. By this I mean the fact that Evan died in his sleep, in his room, in his bed. While Noah is aware of this he has never shown any fear of dying.

Just Recently Noah has developed an intense fear of dying. In his innocent little mind he really thinks that he is going to die. Nathan and I have been dreading this and knew it was coming, we just didn't know when. In Noah's world Evan went to Heaven and won't return. We talk about Heaven and how wonderful it is all the time. He has been asking how Evan died and questioning the details. How do you explain this to a child when we really don't have answers as to the cause of his death? I can't tell Noah that there was some type of accident that won't happen to him. I have said that Evan was sick but every time Noah gets sick, he is going to think he will die too. Last week I picked him up from school and he asked me, "Mommy am I going to die tonight?" That stabbed right through my heart! He also relates Evan to being a big brother. In his mind Evan has always been the "big brother" and now that he is, he thinks it is his turn to die. The night Evan passed there was a bad thunder storm. He also attributes that to Evan's death. When a thunder storm rolls through he fears that the storm will take him to Heaven just as it did Evan. I hate the fact that my child has to go to bed at night wondering if he will wake up. Nate and I worry about that every night and have tried so hard to make bedtime as normal as it can be.

It breaks my heart that Noah has to think about these things. All of this is hard for an adult to comprehend let alone the mind of a child. It is also one thing for Nate and I to carry these fears, but to see my sweet four-year old sustain such a burden saddens me even more. Nate and I talk to Noah and try and reassure him that he will be okay. I feel like I am lying to him every time I say this. How can I be sure that he will be okay? I can only pray...


Delenn said...

Poor little guy! Such heavy things for him to shoulder!

Maybe there is a child therapist, either through the church or other avenues that he could go to. Maybe talking it through with them might help.

I have seen how much you care for all your children...I can see he is loved and comforted.

I think you guys are doing the best you can!

K said...

I'm sorry Noah is going through that and that you have to deal with it. Our daughter hasn't gone through that yet, but I think it is just a matter of time. I'm not sure how I'll deal with her worrying about dying in her sleep when I still have some anxiety about that myself either.

We take her to a grief support group for children who have lost someone (most have lost parents not siblings) They do mostly play therapy and it seems to be useful, but it very difficult to tell.

Hope things get easier.

Anonymous said...

Knowledge is a treasure, but practice is the key to it.......................................................

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."