Oh The Places We'll Go....

Upon reading my blog one could think that I tend to dwell or be stuck in my so-called life, as my ramblings are surely so depressing. Well this IS my life! We are living this life of grief while trying to pick up the pieces and attempt to put them back together, fully knowing that the puzzle will never be whole again.

Lately the weather has been so beautiful! On Sunday morning we asked Noah what he wanted to do expecting to journey off to the zoo or the park. He calmly stated that he wanted to go the the cemetery and have lunch with Evan. How sad is it that my sweet 5-year old suggested going "to the cemetery" to have lunch with his brother? I will never get used to this and his words nearly sent me into a frenzy of tears. I just wanted to scream "this is not fair!" But we gladly indulged his desire and headed off to see Evan with a quick stop at McDonald's first. We also needed to decorate Evan's headstone for Easter. So instead of obsessing over the matching outfits my boys should be wearing for the holiday, decorating at the cemetery is what we got to do instead.

So here is a photo of my three little boys together. I would much rather have their picture taken at a beach or a park, but due to this life of grief this is all I get!

As you can probably tell it has been a hard couple of days full of tantrums and tears on my part!

Things To Do List....

Grocery shopping
Dentist App.
Laundry
Get new flowers for Evan's headstone

SIGH.....

The Empty Room

Since Evan passed away his bedroom his room now sits dark, cold, and empty. It is pretty much just as it was when he took his last breath. His little toys are right where he left them. His mattress sits bare because the coroner's took his bedding when they took him. A dear friend of mine has his bedding along with his precious little Jammie's he was wearing the night he died. I just cannot bring myself to retrieve these items.

Lately Noah has been begging to sleep in Evan's room. Just the thought feels like a nauseating sucker punch to my stomach! He goes in there quite frequently to play or whatever brings him closer to Evan. He usually climbs on the top bunk where Evan died and sits. It absolutely breaks my heart! Noah has lost his brother and there is nothing I can do to take his pain away. Now that Noah is older the reality of Evan's loss has become so much more evident.

Nate and I are both so conflicted about letting Noah sleep in Evan's room. It is not that we don't want him in Evan's things, it is that I am terrified that he might die in there. For most parents this would be a paranoid way of thinking. For Nate and I it is very real. I did have a child die in there and I am afraid it could happen again. I try my best to rationalize my fears and trick my mind into believing that it couldn't possibly happen again, but so far it's not working. Some of the other parents in the SUDC program find comfort in letting their subsequent children have the room. I have heard from moms that they feel like there is a guardian angel watching over the room. It would be so much easier if I could believe this.

Nate and I have talked about this over and over. We finally agreed that we need to make it past 6 years and 1 week and then discuss letting Noah have Evan's room. As much as we don't want to I remind myself that Noah has lost so much. Who are we to take this privilege away from him? I think if we changed the entire room it may make it easier. Maybe this is just my wishful thinking. Then what do we do with all of Evan's things? How can I possibly "box" up the memories and treasures of my beloved child? And, if we don't let Noah have his room is he going to think that he is not as good as Evan? I am so conflicted...

Here is a photo of Noah sleeping with Evan's favorite Spiderman action figure. He sleeps with it every night and is very protective over it. I think it's Noah's way of keeping Evan close to him.