Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fly Away

I have been lazy about blogging lately. I am attributing this to lack of motivation and morning sickness! That is my excuse and I'm sticking to it! Anyway, I think the blogs about Evan's passing took everything in me. I needed to recover. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could read my blog because it is really depressing.

I am truly grateful to have the first year over with! While the pain is still so raw I know that most of the first happenings without Evan are over. Everyone has told us the first year would be the hardest. I think that it will always be hard no matter where we are in life. This summer has really been difficult. Now that the weather is warm, we have been taking Noah to do lots of fun things. I can't help be to think that Evan is missing out. Or, I should say that we are missing out on taking Evan to do fun things and miss seeing the smile on his face! Then I remind myself that Evan is experiencing true happiness that only happens in Heaven. He is completely free of pain and heartache.

This brings me to a discussion that Nate and I just recently had. All along, we have both said that it should have been one of us that died and not Evan. Evan should have gotten the chance to live a full life. But here is what I said to Nate. If God would have come down and asked us who gets to go to Heaven first, you or your precious son, what would we have said? I then ask myself, how could I have taken the opportunity to experience heaven and leave Evan behind in a world of sadness and pain? Would I have had the right to take Heaven away from my child? This thought has really changed my way of thinking. I certainly would have been very selfish to go before my child, even though that is not the way it should happen. Don't get me wrong. The pain of losing Evan will never go away, but at least it makes me feel better. My child was certainly chosen for a reason.

Okay, onto more important things. Two years ago this month we bought Evan his dirt bike. It all started when my dad's buddy brought his little boy's bike over. Evan was so thrilled! I only agreed to let him get close to it because I thought the loud noise would scare him. I was terribly mistaken. He begged to get on and Nate and I agreed. What was I thinking??? He hopped on this little dirt bike and took off! I could not believe that my almost 5-year old was riding a dirt bike! When I saw the look of confidence and amazement in Evan's eyes, I knew that he needed one of his own. In June of 2007, we bought Evan his very own dirt bike. Nate spent weeks searching for the perfect bike. We made a trip to Nashville, IL and brought back the bike. I will never forget that day. It was so special and Evan was so excited!! His bike was truly his passion, along with Spiderman of course. He was so proud of it. While I still sometimes wonder how on earth I ever agreed to get him one, I can truly say it was one of the best things we ever did with Evan.

As mother's, we tend to want to wrap our children in bubble wrap and keep them tucked away from the world. Evan always managed to talk me into almost anything. He used to say to me, "I can do it mom, just let me try!" While we want to protect our children, I think we also need to let them spread their wings and fly. Little did I know that Evan would one day become an angel and fly away. He only had 6 short years on this earth. I am so grateful that we let him live to the fullest and experience the things he wanted to. Evan was also such a grateful child and doing things with him was so wonderful!

Here are some pictures of Evan's pride and joy. They didn't have a riding suit in the store to fit him so I had to order it online. I totally regret not having any pictures of him in his cute little suit.:(


3libras said...

Hey there :] I just found your blog via Cafemom, I just read one of your posts on the Grieving moms message board. I just want you to know how sorry I am for the loss of your son, he is so precious! I lost my 10 year old daughter on 2-25-07 in a 4-wheeler accident. Reading your posts, I felt like I was reading about myself.....I want you to know that it also rained for a few minutes when they were getting ready to bury my daughter, and then immediately after the service was over the sun appeared again, something I will ALWAYS remember. The day she died was just weird as well.........Anyway if you need anyone to talk to, I am always ready to listen!

Kari said...

Cute pics of Evan on his dirt bike - he was a very lucky little boy to have such a "cool" mom that would allow him to experience all the things you did. How's the pregnancy going? I hope you start feeling better soon - that first trimester is just torture! :)

Our trip of a lifetime said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. My baby grandson Lucas Adrian Middleton passed away a week ago today. He was 7 weeks old on the day he passed. He had, well at this stage hey think he had Neonatal Hemochromotosis. A liver disease. He was our first daughter's first baby and our first grandchild. We are devastated. Your feelings are mine and we are no where near where you are on this walk yet. My faith has been challnged like I never thought it would be and to hear you talk is not only painful, but hopeful. I have a blog that I have been writing
It is depressing and it is me right at this moment.
But my heart is with you right now and I hope at some time in the future I will be able to see God in our lives again. I so feel for you and your family right now. Thank you for sharing with us.

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."