Christmas And The Future...

We officially survived the holiday season. I actually think the preparation and anticipation was much worse than Christmas itself. I think not knowing what to expect was really the hard part. After Santa came on Christmas Eve, Nathan and I decided to watch the video of the last Christmas we had with both of our boys here on earth. It has been so long since I have heard Evan's voice! That was what really got to me. He was talking, laughing, and most of all, he was so healthy and alive. I just wanted to reach into the TV and grab him! He was just so loving and so sweet! He was more worried about everyone else opening their presents than his own. Evan was always so grateful. It has been a little over 19 months and I wonder what he would be like now. We miss him so much...

Christmas Day was spent with loving people surrounding us. My anxiety level was so high prior to that day that I thought for sure it was going to be terrible. Of course it was not easy, but we just focused on Noah and enjoyed every moment with him! He was so excited all day long. While it was great to see him thrive in the Christmas spirit, it was also sad to watch him open presents and enjoy Christmas without Evan by his side. I realized that Christmas Day is not any different than any other day really. Each day without Evan is always going to be hard, some just worse than others.

The past year has been filled with pain and hurt in more ways than one. My hopes for 2010 are quite high. I am determined that we are going to learn to truly enjoy life again. We have a a new baby due within days, and Noah who is full of life and holds us together. We also have the memories of Evan that will forever live in our hearts. For that, I am truly grateful!

One of my goals for 2010 is to learn to put my trust in God. I really struggle with this. While God has truly been a strength in our lives, I have such a hard time just giving all my worries to him. I still wake up and check on Noah every hour throughout the night. The thought of him dying in his sleep is constant, and with baby Chase coming soon, I have to learn to let my children sleep at night and trust that God will keep them safe.

Psalm 55:22 (NIV) Cast your cares on the lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall.

Another one of my goals to to focus on the blessings that surround us! I want to thrive in happiness and learn to view life in a more positive manner. With the tragedy that we have suffered it is so easy to sulk into darkness and despair, all of which I have done many times. While I know there will be many days of sadness and crying, I really want to try hard to learn to be truly happy again. My children deserve this!

Please keep us in your prayers as we are about to have our baby!