On The Edge

This picture deeply touches my heart. It has been so long since I have held my sweet Evan in my arms. My emotional state has taken a drastic turn from being somewhat strong to plunging off the cliff into a sea of tears. I knew this would happen the closer we got to Evan's birthday and the anniverary of his death. Earlier today I just sat in the cemetery and cried. The damn has officially broken. I just wanted to be close to him. I also let out some choice words about losing my precious little boy. It has been almost three years and my heart hurts more and more each day. I am truly just sitting in my own self pity. Nate is so strong and seems to have peace about Evan being in Heaven. I know that he is in Heaven but he should be here in MY arms. It is just not fair!

I want to hold him and touch his soft little skin. I want to wipe away his tears when he gets hurt. I want to ease his fears when he is scared. I want to listen to him complain about doing his homework. I want to see the smile on his face and light in his eyes when he achieves his goals. I want to see him drive his first car or walk across the stage with a diploma in his hand. I want to see the puppy dog look in his eyes when he falls in love. I want to see him teach his children all about Jesus. I can only dream.

I love you sweetheart...

Note to self....Stock up on tissues! There is a reason why toilet paper is for the "other" end.

That Time Of The Year

It is yet again that dreaded time of year for us. The month of May used to be such an awesome time as Evan's birthday was approaching and we were always busy planning a party. Planning a party is exactly what I SHOULD be doing right now. I should be taking him to pick out party supplies while arguing with him about the number of people he should invite. Nate and I used to spend hours getting the yard ready. I always loved the smell of honeysuckle and the fresh flowers everywhere. The trees are usually blooming and everyone is out enjoying the beautiful weather. Now all of that just brings the emotions surrounding his death even more prevalent. I feel bombarded with Mother's Day, Evan's birthday, and the anniversary of his death all in one month. On top of that all the other kiddos we are close too are also celebrating May birthdays and growing older.

I have to say though, this past Mothers Day was absolutely wonderful. We traveled over to the Missouri Botanical Gardens and let the kids play. We walked through the endless beauty of the gardens while taking some great photos of our kiddos. It was just a relaxing day spent with family who loves us! My sweet hubby bought me such a beautiful Emerald ring in honor of Evan's birthday.

Here are a few pics from Mother's Day...