Eve's Blog

I just wanted to take time to mention my friend Eve. She graciously let me post Evan's story on her page. She got over a thousand views!! How awesome is that?!?! That is so many more mothers being warned about the danger of cough medicine, not to mention all of the feedback she has recieved.

In my lifetime, God has truly blessed me with great friends, like Eve. She has been such a blessing in my life. There have been times when I needed her and she dropped everything to come and cry with me. She and her husband have a little boy named Sam, and desperately want another child. Currently, they are struggling to get pregnant, so please keep them in your prayers.

Eve,
Thank you so much for all you have done!!! I love you!!
http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/

A Big Thanks For The Layout

I just want to say a big thanks to Tycie from Scrappin' Blogs for making this beautiful layout. My blog looks so wonderful! Check out her website and see all of her cute layouts!!!

http://scrappinblogs.blogspot.com/

Thanks Tycie!!!

Noah

Nathan and I have been waiting for the "perfect" time to take Noah to the cemetery. For months we have been trying to figure out what we were going to tell him. We finally decided that we weren't going to try and give him some elaborate explanation, that he may or may not understand. We just took him to Evan's grave and showed him the headstone. We did not tell Noah that Evan was buried there.

He was pretty much aw-struck. He liked the picture of Evan on the stone. He knelt down and touched it. Then he ran around like a little fool. It is truly amazing how children are spared the pain. Noah was really just impressed with the toys he could play with. While Noah did just fine, my heart was breaking inside. We actually had to take our 3-year old to see his brother's grave. How sad is that?

Today, Noah and I returned again. The rain has left residual dirt on the stone, so we went to clean it off. Noah and I then went up to the pond to see the ducks. He loved that. This was another moment in which I realized that this is our life now. Going to the cemetery to see Evan is part of our life now. There are no more birthdays with Evan, or holidays taking pictures of both of my boys in their little matching outfits. On every holiday or special occasion, going to the cemetery to see Evan will also be a priority. That is what we have now. And Noah, what about him? He doesn't have Evan to run around playing superhero's with. He doesn't have Evan to ask questions or tell him what to do. Lately the weather has been nice, so all Noah wants to do is play outside. It is so sad to see him playing by himself, knowing that Evan should be right by his side. It breaks my heart that Noah has to grow up without Evan. Evan should be there right by his side through everything, but the reality is that he is gone, forever.

After returning home, I sat crying in my own self-pity wondering why? This is one of those days when I just want to scream at everything and everyone who comes my way. MY CHILD IS GONE AND IT IS NOT FAIR!! Our lives are shattered and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. We just have to somehow learn to live with it.

Reality

As I very well know, life can drastically change in a single moment. I found this out the hard way 91/2 months ago when I found Evan dead in his bed. The members of First Baptist found this out just recently. Watching the events of that day unfold moment by moment was a harsh reminder of pure evil. What is this world coming to? These things are suppose to happen in big cities trashed with street crime. Right? The shooting of Pastor Winters happened where my child attends preschool. How can that happen? This is when I get really angry at the world. It's just not fair!!!

I just cannot get his wife and girls out of my mind. While my loss is different, the long, hard journey of pain is the same. I hate that someone else has to endure this awful torture of trying to pick up the pieces of life and try to live again. I still have not figured this out and I am not sure I want to.


Speaking of Pastor Winters, Nate and I visited Evan yesterday. To my surprise Pastor Winters was buried just a few feet behind Evan. This brought such a sense of comfort to me and that doesn't come easily these days. Still we found ourselves asking why? Do we really have to go to a cemetery to visit our child? Will I ever wake up?


On a lighter note, one of my dearest friends turned 40 this year. She wanted to go on a cruise, so we all went. Nine girls total!!! It was such a needed break from reality. I spent weeks promising myself I was going to have a good time and not ruin anyone else's trip. The trip was awesome and so were the drinks!! It felt so good to laugh again. It actually gave me a little hope that maybe I truly am capable of being happy again. But, how can one truly be "happy" after losing a child? Someone please tell me! But with the fun of going on a cruise comes the overwhelming amount of guilt. This is something that Nate and I have struggled with since the beginning of this journey. Each time we find ourselves smiling or having a good time, the sense of guilt creeps in. My child died so how can I smile or laugh about anything? This is when I remind myself that we still have Noah! He brings the smiles and laughs that we so desperately need. A huge blessing!

Another thing...Tonight as I sit here writing this, it is raining outside. And of course I am thinking about my precious little boy out in the dark, cold, rain! Just another horrific thought running through my head. It happens alot!

This is definitely one of the posts I have been dreading, but need to do. Just when I think we are doing somewhat better, something happens sending us in a backward spiral. Last Tuesday Evan's headstone was put in the cemetery. I cannot begin to say how incredibly surreal and painful it is to walk through a cemetery and see your child's name on it. It was another huge slap of reality. I know that Evan has been gone for nine months, but somehow seeing it engraved on a headstone made it that much more permanent. I know he is gone and not coming back in this lifetime. The monument itself is very beautiful, but at the same time, I should NOT have to see it. This is something a parent should NEVER experience!

While many people have already gone to visit Evan and see his headstone, we still have not taken Noah out there. Nate and I are trying to prepare him and hope to take him soon. In his innocent little mind, Noah believes that Evan is up in heaven with Jesus. While this is true, taking Noah to the cemetery and telling him that Evan is there also will drastically confuse him.

I thought I should mention one thing that has really gotten to me. When we first found out about the cough medicine being a major factor in Evan's death, I really tried hard not to blame myself. Obviously, this is easier said than done. When I was looking at the monument, all I kept thinking was the medicine that I gave him put him there. While the logical side of me knows that I had no way of knowing about his liver, the emotional side of me cannot control the thoughts running through my mind. Seeing his "permanent" monument just deepened the horror that much more. I just kept telling Evan how sorry I was. I just want to plaster the picture of his monument everywhere and say, this is what cough medicine did to my child!