Monday, March 2, 2009

This is definitely one of the posts I have been dreading, but need to do. Just when I think we are doing somewhat better, something happens sending us in a backward spiral. Last Tuesday Evan's headstone was put in the cemetery. I cannot begin to say how incredibly surreal and painful it is to walk through a cemetery and see your child's name on it. It was another huge slap of reality. I know that Evan has been gone for nine months, but somehow seeing it engraved on a headstone made it that much more permanent. I know he is gone and not coming back in this lifetime. The monument itself is very beautiful, but at the same time, I should NOT have to see it. This is something a parent should NEVER experience!

While many people have already gone to visit Evan and see his headstone, we still have not taken Noah out there. Nate and I are trying to prepare him and hope to take him soon. In his innocent little mind, Noah believes that Evan is up in heaven with Jesus. While this is true, taking Noah to the cemetery and telling him that Evan is there also will drastically confuse him.

I thought I should mention one thing that has really gotten to me. When we first found out about the cough medicine being a major factor in Evan's death, I really tried hard not to blame myself. Obviously, this is easier said than done. When I was looking at the monument, all I kept thinking was the medicine that I gave him put him there. While the logical side of me knows that I had no way of knowing about his liver, the emotional side of me cannot control the thoughts running through my mind. Seeing his "permanent" monument just deepened the horror that much more. I just kept telling Evan how sorry I was. I just want to plaster the picture of his monument everywhere and say, this is what cough medicine did to my child!


eve said...

Daven, the headstone is beautiful. But you're right no one should EVER have to go to visit the gravesite of their child. Thanks so much for taking me to visit Evan last week, that meant so much to me.

Missing you this week! Will see you soon!


Anonymous said...

I saw your site thru Jessica's. I have a little Evan too. My heart breaks for you. I'm going to tell my little Evan all about your little Evan tonight.

Kathy said...

Thats a beautiful headstone. I love the quote on the back, thats what I used to say to my Isabella too :).

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."