Wednesday, March 18, 2009


As I very well know, life can drastically change in a single moment. I found this out the hard way 91/2 months ago when I found Evan dead in his bed. The members of First Baptist found this out just recently. Watching the events of that day unfold moment by moment was a harsh reminder of pure evil. What is this world coming to? These things are suppose to happen in big cities trashed with street crime. Right? The shooting of Pastor Winters happened where my child attends preschool. How can that happen? This is when I get really angry at the world. It's just not fair!!!

I just cannot get his wife and girls out of my mind. While my loss is different, the long, hard journey of pain is the same. I hate that someone else has to endure this awful torture of trying to pick up the pieces of life and try to live again. I still have not figured this out and I am not sure I want to.

Speaking of Pastor Winters, Nate and I visited Evan yesterday. To my surprise Pastor Winters was buried just a few feet behind Evan. This brought such a sense of comfort to me and that doesn't come easily these days. Still we found ourselves asking why? Do we really have to go to a cemetery to visit our child? Will I ever wake up?

On a lighter note, one of my dearest friends turned 40 this year. She wanted to go on a cruise, so we all went. Nine girls total!!! It was such a needed break from reality. I spent weeks promising myself I was going to have a good time and not ruin anyone else's trip. The trip was awesome and so were the drinks!! It felt so good to laugh again. It actually gave me a little hope that maybe I truly am capable of being happy again. But, how can one truly be "happy" after losing a child? Someone please tell me! But with the fun of going on a cruise comes the overwhelming amount of guilt. This is something that Nate and I have struggled with since the beginning of this journey. Each time we find ourselves smiling or having a good time, the sense of guilt creeps in. My child died so how can I smile or laugh about anything? This is when I remind myself that we still have Noah! He brings the smiles and laughs that we so desperately need. A huge blessing!

Another thing...Tonight as I sit here writing this, it is raining outside. And of course I am thinking about my precious little boy out in the dark, cold, rain! Just another horrific thought running through my head. It happens alot!


Natalie said...

Oh Lord God,
You are the God who enters into our pain. You save each of our tears in a bottle and you uphold us through every moment by the strength of Your righteous right hand and Your sovereign Word.

Father, You are mighty to save and I ask that You would show Yourself strong in Daven's life. May she, like the Apostle Paul, be able to say "when I am weak, THEN I am strong, for His strength is made perfect in my weakness".

Thank you that we have hope because of the sacrifice you made for us; hope that one day you will wipe away every tear. Because of Christ, we are able to pray, and we ask this in His name. Amen

Stacey said...

I know that you feel gulity, but what would Evan want? You know as well as I that he would not want you to never smile and laugh again. I truely feel that everytime you feel yourself smileing or hear yourself laughing, it is Evan's that is doing it. He is with you in heart and soul and even I remember how much he loved your smile! And you know that he would never want that to end!

Vetter Family said...

I am thankful that my daughter brought me to your site! I cry with you. I searched out your story because of her! Because the day Pastor Fred died I asked her if she remembered Pastor Fred from school and she told me that he said prayers with them.... and now with Evan. We didn't know you. Didn't fully know your story. That name was so confusing to me. There is an Evan in her class but why would she pull his name out like that? Then days later I find out Pastor Fred is buried near Evan, your son. It clicked. The heart of a three year old knows more then we ever will. A friend then sent me your site so that I could understand more. I will pray for you, your husband and Noah. But I know that Evan doesn't need our prayers! He is praying with Pastor Fred and is in a much happier glorious place. He is smiling on you with every ray of sun, every snowflake and every brush of a breeze! Smile back and be strong. Celebrate his life here and all that he has now in Heaven! Hugs!!

"While we try and teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."