It has been almost 11 months since Evan became and angel. While I feel like we are beginning to slowly move forward, many of my days are still filled with sorrow and tears. My nights are filled with fear as I lay awake and watch Noah sleep. Nathan and I have certainly had our share of shaking each other, Noah, or even the dogs! How sad is that? Nate and I just need the security of knowing that everyone in our household is alive and well. Typically, you get your children ready for bed at night with baths and stories. You then you tuck them nicely into bed, maybe say a prayer or two, and they are off to dreamland. Then you get that time to relax. For us, this time at night begins the hours of fear, at least for me. Nate is a pretty sound sleeper. I never fall into a deep sleep and usually check on Noah 20 times in a night. I panic if his breathing is slow or if he is laying in an awkward position. Sometimes I just lay there and listen to him breathe. When morning comes, it is a huge relief when Noah wakes up. I get another day with him!
We ALL need to be living every day like it is our last! This was the topic of our church sermon this week. Since Evan died, we truly DO live each and every day to the fullest. There is no doing the dishes first, and then playing with Noah. There is no waiting to do something fun with him. We do it then, within reason. We also don't say "when" Noah grows up, we say "if"....Many would argue that this is pessimistic, but in our world, that is another reality. Maybe someday I will be able to say "when" and have the security in knowing that he will grow up. Nate and I could have never imagined that when we put Evan down to sleep that night we would never again hold him, or get to play ball with him, or hear his little voice say "I love you too". His little life was gone and no time to "re-do" anything. We are just very grateful that we were able to have 6 WONDERFUL years with Evan! That little boy taught me more about life than I could have ever taught him.
We are all so guilty of living each day packed with unnecessary priorities and failing to truly treasure the important values in life. While we have always put our children first, we were caught up in all the "have to do's", project after project, night after night. We quickly learned how life can change in an instant. We try to live each and every day like it is our last and continue to count the many blessings that God gives us!
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a midst that appears for a little while and then, vanishes." James 4:14
Scar
3 years ago
Posts
4 comments:
I can't even begin to imagine what it's like trying to put your life back together after the loss of your precious boy.
Hi Daven,
It was so good to see you today. I am glad it was a good day and I am praying that there will be more good days ahead for you.
Your post reminds me of Psalm 139:16 "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be". While none of us know which day will be our last, our God, who is sovereign over all of creation does. While we live for the day where "He will swallow up death forever," when "The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces" (Isaiah 25:8), it's so comforting to know that one day, not so soon, we will see Evan again. And even now, you are so precious to Him, that not one tear goes unnoticed, but He saves them all in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).
Love and prayers,
Natalie
We love you!!!!!
What a great verse. Thanks for posting!
Post a Comment