Noah

Nathan and I have been waiting for the "perfect" time to take Noah to the cemetery. For months we have been trying to figure out what we were going to tell him. We finally decided that we weren't going to try and give him some elaborate explanation, that he may or may not understand. We just took him to Evan's grave and showed him the headstone. We did not tell Noah that Evan was buried there.

He was pretty much aw-struck. He liked the picture of Evan on the stone. He knelt down and touched it. Then he ran around like a little fool. It is truly amazing how children are spared the pain. Noah was really just impressed with the toys he could play with. While Noah did just fine, my heart was breaking inside. We actually had to take our 3-year old to see his brother's grave. How sad is that?

Today, Noah and I returned again. The rain has left residual dirt on the stone, so we went to clean it off. Noah and I then went up to the pond to see the ducks. He loved that. This was another moment in which I realized that this is our life now. Going to the cemetery to see Evan is part of our life now. There are no more birthdays with Evan, or holidays taking pictures of both of my boys in their little matching outfits. On every holiday or special occasion, going to the cemetery to see Evan will also be a priority. That is what we have now. And Noah, what about him? He doesn't have Evan to run around playing superhero's with. He doesn't have Evan to ask questions or tell him what to do. Lately the weather has been nice, so all Noah wants to do is play outside. It is so sad to see him playing by himself, knowing that Evan should be right by his side. It breaks my heart that Noah has to grow up without Evan. Evan should be there right by his side through everything, but the reality is that he is gone, forever.

After returning home, I sat crying in my own self-pity wondering why? This is one of those days when I just want to scream at everything and everyone who comes my way. MY CHILD IS GONE AND IT IS NOT FAIR!! Our lives are shattered and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. We just have to somehow learn to live with it.